Birds: but doesn’t the blood rush to-
Bats: pnq ǝɹǝɥ dǝǝls oʇ ƃuᴉʎɹʇ ǝɹ,ǝʍ
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I think between the two of them, Kim & Kanye had enough money for a box of condoms.
The biggest lie I learned in school was that women reach their sexual peak at 40. All 40yo me wants is to scroll my phone and eat my bowl of mashed potatoes
If dinosaurs were still alive, people would do a lot more running.
Friend: That guy looks exactly like you
Me: *looks at guy*
Former Friend: You see it, right?
Helena Bonham Carter eats eight spiders a day. Not in her sleep, just whenever.
Not to be dramatic, but learning how to read has ruined my life
*claims pandemic weight as a new dependent on my taxes*
[Applebee’s, 49 BC]
waiter: what would you like, sir
Caesar: gimme that salad named after someone famous *wink, wink*
waiter: *hands him a Cobb salad*
very cute girl told me she liked my briefcase and asked if I could text her a link and I said “oh it’s just on Amazon you can find it pretty easy” and then walked away
please lobotomize me
My husbands jealousy is getting ridiculous. The other day he looked at my calendar and wanted to know who June was.
*appears in puff of smoke at a public pool*
“Warning, what you’re about to see may shock you!”
Hey! What are y-
*touches live wire to water*
This girl from my hometown just named her baby Brogan and everyone just let it happen
Video games should be banned. My son just threw a turtle shell at a walking mushroom then disappeared down a green tube. Someone call 911.
PRO SURVIVAL TIP: Don’t go through that door that mysteriously opened all by itself in that 300 year old hotel with a tragic past.
By the time I say “secondly,” I’m scrambling to come up with what’s “thirdly.”
Walking by a jewelry store and admiring diamond earrings:
Friend: Maybe he’ll get you those for Christmas
Me: I’ve been asking for a new potato peeler for the past five years, so I’m guessing that’s a no
Gave my 8yo $20 to buy a Hawaiian souvenir so he found a seashell on the beach and spent the money on ice cream.
Tried to sneakily put my 5-year-old to bed an hour early because I was exhausted, figuring I could get away with it because it was cloudy and dark outside. Little dude looked me dead in the eye and, “Alexa, what time is it?”
You don’t know humility until your Ouija board gets snippy with you.
Teacher: Your son said the s word in class today.
Me: Seriously?
Teacher: No. Shit. He said shit.
*puts finger over your lips*
Shhhhhhhhhhhhh
*feeds you more applesauce making airplane noises*
All I said is that I didn’t know whether we were a Marvel or DC family and my husband and kids locked me out of the house.
[batteries in my TV remote die for the first time since I bought it 4 years ago]
“Useless piece of shit.”
[breakfast in hell]
STALIN: Toast is burnt
POL POT: Eggs are rotten
HITLER: I hate the juice
STALIN: Oh here we go
HITLER: I said JUICE
Hot chick without makeup: her beauty is so effortless & carefree
Me without makeup: why is that very sick grandma not in a home
The Roman Empire: was not built in one day
The Ramen Empire: ready in 3 minutes
Putting all my mental health eggs in the daily word game basket.
Me: [has trouble opening up to people and making real, lasting connections my entire life]
My Kid: [makes 3 new friends and joins a gang on his first day of 4th grade]
you have 1 in a 50 million chance of being attacked by a shark which is comforting in the ocean but concerning in an elevator
Stop being racist to kettles.