Did you know a hummingbird has to consume half its body weight in sugar every day and that I don’t have to do that but I still also do that?
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Me: *out of breath and curled up in the fetal position on the treadmill*
Personal trainer: “I say this to you both literally and figuratively, this isn’t working out.”
I have a huge to do list I just have to figure out who’s gonna do it
I’m get sick of hearing people bitch about $8 beers. $15 parking and a $20 cover charge. If you don’t like the prices , stop coming to my house
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
“I have to eat every 7 minutes or I get cranky.”
“Ma’am, that’s not a valid reason to be excused from jury duty.”
Instead of a flask I keep a small kitten in my jacket pocket that I pull out for a quick pet whenever I need a pick-me-up.
All panties are edible if you’re dedicated enough.
[hiking]
ME: I’m so tired
MOUNTAIN: please sit on my face
a moth just flew into my wine haha have fun driving home, you drunk piece of shit
When someone tries to look at the pics on my phone, I throw my body on it like it’s a live grenade.
Times when the world seems different somehow:
– being in your elementary school as an adult
– being in a pool when it rains
– train stations at night
– when the ghost of the girl who died in your building tells you to get out or die
– walking through fresh snow by yourself
trump: ban muslims
jeb bush: i disagree. just like dad would. who used to be president
ben carson: how did spongebob make fire underwater
My guardian angel deserves a raise
A guy hands me a lit doobie at a party. I panic and pretend to play it like a tiny trumpet.
Someone cut me off and I gave them the finger and my 7yo asked what it means so I said “it means you can go ahead of me” so you can guess what happened at school line up yesterday
Petulant: (defn.) a cat or dog you let a friend borrow
Best friend, helping me dig a hole: so tell me again what happened?
Me: he came home to me sitting on the couch after I spent the entire day cleaning the house and said, ‘you’re just where I left you.’
Hey, your parents conceived you the same year my parents conceived me, let us be friends! High school is stupid.
It isn’t enough to know you liked my tweet. I need a play by play. I want Twitter to tell me “Carl saw your tweet”. “Carl misinterpreted your tweet and had to read it again.” “Carl is now laughing at your tweet.”
“WHAT DO WE WANT?”
i havent decided yet
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT?”
i still need a few more mins with the menu you are a really terrible waiter
Why would I buy a pumpkin at the store for $5 when I can drive 30 miles & pay to make my kids walk through a field to pick our own for $27.
Stopped visiting friends because they have a child gate on the way to the upstairs bathroom I can’t figure out.
Girl: So, your dating profile says you enjoy long walks by the sea & making ur own wine?
Jesus: ON
Girl: What?
Jesus: Long walks ON the sea
Did someone text back with just “K”? You know what you should do? Stop texting them dumb shit.
A faucet is just a vertical treadmill for a tiny jesus
I’m sorry, I didn’t hear one word after you said, “pie chart”
Menopausal women would make great security guards. We are just waiting for someone to piss us off
A guy that lurks in front of a girl’s window every night then gives her “magical” powder to make her fly high.
~ Peter Pan
north carolina to sue over bathroom bill
hillary: stop calling him that
Wife: We need to talk
Me, absolutely panicking: What
Wife: We need to start buying the big jars of peanut butter