Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Friend: Have you seen a cockatoo?

Me: I’ve seen more than two.

It’s so unfair how the houses on HGTV get remodeled in 30-60 minutes, but my house is taking 2-3 months.

“I’ll see you in hell” should be followed with “and I won’t even stop to say hi”. Otherwise you’re just making plans with someone you hate

If I got a Roomba it would take one look around, grab it’s things, and walk out the front door muttering something about impossible working conditions

In a parallel universe, one sock goes in the washer/dryer and two come out.

me: can I buy you a drink?
girl: sorry [holds up martini] already got one
me: [spits in it] How about now?

a bunch of people at a school dance waiting to get a drink

that’s it. that’s the punch line

mom: are you kids committing seppuku in there
me: [trying to scoop my guts back inside me] NO
mom: ok… no seppuku

Polite way of saying gfy in unwanted DM 😉

Mr. Peanut’s funeral will be open-casket in a sense. His coffin is ajar.

Life was so barbaric in the olden days. Imagine hitting snooze on a rooster.

Got rid of all those dangerous Tide pods when I gave them away on Halloween.

RIP that guy in the audience of the eric clapton unplugged session whose head literally exploded when he realized the song was “layla”

Costco ….

Because you never know when your
aquarium could explode ….

and you really need those 96 rolls
of paper towels.

TEACHER: please take off your hat in class
*I take off my hat revealing a slightly smaller hat*
ME: I can do this 14 more times

My little brother tried his first edible and is currently writing the worst statuses ever

If they handed out awards for peeling a hard boiled egg with grace, I would get absolutely nothing.

Me: did you actually brush your teeth?

11: yes

Me:

11: I did!

Me:

11: just maybe not all of them

$175 an hour, $175 an hour…

– my therapist’s notes

I wouldn’t complain if I died, mostly because I’d be dead.

Okay this futility isn’t going to exercise itself

they should put shopping carts in the middle of grocery stores for us idiots who think we can carry our groceries but end up getting too much shit and constantly dropping it all over the store

Cancelling plans is okay. Having your friend over even though he insulted you is okay. Taking him to your wine cellar to show him your rare Amontadillo is okay. Sealing him in with bricks and entombing him alive is okay. Do what you need to do to cope.

Telling my toddler not to chase the cat around with her nunchucks is easily the coolest thing I’ve ever said as a dad or a human.

My girlfriend just called a group of sheep ‘sheeps’ and now I can never be sure that she is legally capable of consenting to sex.

A Harry Potter spinoff series that focuses on Hermione’s origin story called Granger Things.

The guy next to me on the plane turned his kindle off every time I tried to see what he was reading and I think that’s really rude.

In todays addition of what will we find when we take off our bra…two legos AND a winning lotto ticket! Just kidding that would be so awesome but it was just two legos.

I’m rubber. You’re glue.

I don’t conduct low voltage electricity. You’re great for arts & crafts.

Him: I’d die before I break a promise to you.
Me: Or, very soon after.