– “Did you know a swan can break a full-grown man’s heart?”
– “I think you mean arm?”
– “NO I DON’T!!”
*Runs away sobbing, bread spilling everywhere*
You Might Also Like
I like for my resolutions to be attainable so this year I resolve that I will neither become the pope nor will I become a cannibal.
“Fidget toys” is just a term used by folks who got tired of folks yelling at them to stop flipping their goddamn keys.
My 6yo just told me all about this new place he heard about and wants to visit this weekend, so I asked for more details, aaaand it’s a casino
The Bank of America app randomly disappeared off my phone and now I’m wondering how much money I spent last night.
Look, I’m sorry about your leg but this note from my doctor clearly states that this is an emotional support wolverine.
I love pickles so much that when the waiter says “do you want pickles on that” I respond with “no, I want that with my pickles.”
“The future is yours!”
Me: [Looking around] No thank you.
The volume of your sneeze determines the volume of my bless you.
Wife: Whatchya thinking about?
Me: *Thinking about how dogs understand more English words than I understand dog words* Science stuff.
I havent had sex in so long what if I forgot how to moan and instead I go : moooooo
How come you only hear about folks being distraught? No one’s ever like, “I’m good, Bro. I’m traught as hell.”
Them: You’re too focused on revenge
Me: Oh yeah? We’ll see about that
Used to think my house was pretty nice until I starting watching HGTV. Now I just walk around depressed about my lack of sliding barn doors & wondering if I can knock down a wall & discover pristine hardwood floors under my carpet…all before I host book club at 6:00pm tomorrow.
ME: rock, paper, scissors
PROCTOLOGIST: *snaps on glove* and you’re sure that’s all
“I’m going to slide in and go back and forth until you’re satisfied”
-Floss
Of course I believe in science, like how jelly grows inside donuts.
Looking back to my days as a teacher, the best part was always summer.
boss: your drug test came back clean
me: then my dealer’s got some explaining to do
boss: what
me: what
Sure sex is good but have you even gotten melted butter in one of those air pocket holes in your toast
Her: Do I look fat?
Him: Do I look stupid?…
Just got revenge on someone who wronged me 6 Years ago. Never be Relaxed ever. I’m coming
This flight attendant literally just finished going over safety protocols and said “thank you to those who listened, and good luck to those of you who didn’t. Truly, good luck.” Lmfaooooo
Me: I’m really worried about becoming a first time dad, I’m just so forgetful.
10yo daughter: You don’t need to tell me.
God: you’re a capybara.
Capybara: yay!
God: you’re the largest rodent.
Capybara: double yay!
God: also you live in South America.
Capybara: so cool!
God: wow you’re in a great mood!
Capybara: just living my personal motto!
God: which is?
Capybara: don’t worry be Capy : )
Homeschooling update day 3:
Me: *Googles mortality rates for homeschooling parents*
things are looking up for me, a very eccentric russian guy and his wife who claim to be artists and live in the house they’re building by the lake just invited me to their very weird sounding housewarming party
You better watch out
Me: So, let me get this straight. It’s cute for the toddler to wear her flannel jammies to the grocery store but it’s embarrassing if I do it?
Husband: I have nothing to say. I knew what I was getting into when I married you.