Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Talking about me behind my back? Good. My ass likes attention.

Doctor: Wow your blood pressure is through the roof

Me: Oh come on it’s not that bad

Doctor: Your eye is literally twitching

Me: *sipping on my eighth coffee of the day* stop being dramatic medicine boi

These people act like they’ve never seen a woman eat a whole rotisserie chicken before.

I charge people $5 if they say “It is what it is.”

monkey is a funny ass word and whoever named them that really killed it those things are monkeys for sure

This is the way the world ends.

Not with a bang but with a Zoom meeting that never ends due to technical issues.

Me: I’ve always wanted to stare at someone from across the street then disappear when a bus passes

Interviewer: I meant more like “professional goals”

Someone punctured my boss’s tires and I’m definitely gonna tell him about it, but first let me put the nail gun back in the backpack.

“I don’t know, sometimes I just wish there was a room you could sit in that made breathing harder.”

– inventor of the sauna

NASA: what makes u qualified for our mission to mars?
ME: i desperately want to be shot into deep space, where there are definitely no geese

I’m going to need to see a warrant before you look through any pictures on my phone besides the one I show you.

I’ve had so much tea trying to get rid of this cold that I’m now speaking with a British accent and am fascinated with the Royal family.

Needed 3 tickets to something and my husband bought 4 so he doesn’t have to set next to anyone.

YOU’VE GOTTA BE SHITTING ME, CAROL.
*grabs face*
*whispers*
You’re goddamn right I have a few minutes to hear about your new pedometer.

Stuck in a massive traffic jam because I refused to take an alternate route. Suddenly realized why the orange cones are shaped like dunce caps.

Canadian girls wear sundresses all year round. Sometimes it’s just underneath flannel.

Three dinosaurs come across a magic lamp. Out pops a genie who grants them 3 wishes. The first dinosaur wishes for a big hunk of meat. The second wishes for a shower of meat. The third dinosaur not to be outdone wishes for a meatier shower.

Wait, you actually took my advice?! You poor poor thing.

*trying to explain to the dog why we aren’t keeping the 3 foot traffic cone he found* listen babe I know you’re colorblind so this is a little hard to understand, but it matches literally nothing in the house. you’re going to obliterate the vibe.

Just ruined $387 worth of blinds in the house but that fly is dead.

I know this place will prepare my taxes competently–they have a guy dressed as the Statue of Liberty waving at passersby.

-no one ever

Me before socializing: “Don’t act crazy, don’t act crazy, don’t act crazy.”

Crazy: “Aaaaand ACTION!”

If a UFO silently mowed my lawn during the night, I wouldn’t say shit.

I love it when websites pop up a box to make me subscribe to read, and I always enter my real email address because it’s important.

I don’t worry that I’ll turn into my mother because I’ve already turned into my grandmother.

Avril: I want a divorce. You aren’t a sk8er boi. So see ya later boi.
Chad: This is how you remind me of what I really am?!

You ever wonder what life would be like if you didn’t overthink everything? I think about it all the time

[job interview]

Look. First, you give me a job. Then I get paid. THEN I’ll be able to buy pants. I can’t just skip ahead to the last step.

Asked my 6-year-old what she wants for Christmas and she said “a toy chicken that’s taller than Anthony” so now I can’t even finish my shopping until I track down this Anthony and find out how tall he is. Why can’t she just want a bike?

wile e. coyote running off a cliff and not falling until he looks down except it’s me stopping for a second mid-sentence to think about what i’m saying