Did you know a tornado with no debris is called a naked twister?
Related: This evening is not going how I imagined.
You Might Also Like
I sexually identify as a hand grenade
Parent’s curfew with each child:
1st child: “be home by 10!”
2nd child: “alright you can stay out until midnight”
3rd child: “as long as I see you within 3-5 business days I honestly don’t care what time you’re home”I’m not mad ur mad
I was at a Hanukkah party at my uncle’s house and one of my cousins was like, “hey look it’s bitcoin” and held up a piece of gelt that he’d taken a bite out of
LEAVE ME ALONE GRANDMA I’M ENTERTAINING LITERALLY TENS OF PEOPLE ON THE INTERNET
Everyone knows you save the leftover wrapping pieces to make patches to cover the end of the box where the gift wrap shrank.
I want more people to join bluesky before I accidentally follow too many journalists
My husband and I were at a restaurant and the couple next to us kept feeding each other and let me tell you we would NEVER do that unless it was poison
interviewer: why’d you leave your last job
me: i heard a loud noise
interviewer: wow what was it
me: my boss yelling get out you’re fired
Angel: hey God the humans are doing another sacrifice for you
God: [sitting in a sea of goats] it’s not another goat is it
Me before grocery shopping: healthy foods, no impulse buys, I can do this
Me during grocery shopping: they make chocolate filled marshmallows???
“Who Wants To Be a Millionaire?” would be a better show if the only contestants were billionaires.
Me: I really ought to eat more fruit
Also me: I donut think so
science defines a baby as “a small smooth poopy man, no taller than a lamp”
Don’t cry because it’s over. Smile because your fingerprints aren’t in the database.
Mike Trout turns 26 today. If he keeps up this pace, he’ll be 30 in four years
wish hard enough & anything can happen, they say.
yet two hours later my stomach growls & my breakfast still isn’t making itself. liars!
My wife hates snakes. But if they sold snakes at Target, we’d probably have a few snakes.
You overpack for vacation and most of the stuff you don’t even wear, but your clothes need a vacation too. They seem to enjoy it.
I want to be the lady in the neighborhood that makes her neighbors slightly nervous…
“Did you see she bought a blowtorch the other day.”
“She told me she was going to paint a mural on the side of her house.”
God: Imagine there’s no heaven, it’s easy if you try
Angel: wait and lose this job security? In this economy?
I get so excited when Facebook tells me there are hot singles in my city who want to meet me. Maybe they want to babysit!
If by prepped for Irma you mean have I eaten all the ice cream before the power goes out then yes I’m totally prepped for Irma.
gentlemen, we are gathered here today by my milkshake.
Random kids playing in park. Their parents to each other.
[creepy mansion]
ME: That portrait is watching us
MAN: No way
ME: [goes right up to portrait] I’m vegan
PORTRAIT: [rolls eyes]
ME: I knew it
3-year-old was singing quietly into a banana and without looking up from his video game, her brother said “It’s not on. You have to turn it on.” So she pressed an alleged button on the banana and now she’s singing very loudly into it? Huh
He died doing what he loved, waving a metal rod on a rooftop in a storm, yelling FU, GOD! Although he slipped & fell, Ted’s memory lives on.
Me: How did Mrs. Incredible know to name her son Dash if she didnt know what his superpower was yet?
Cashier: so was that paper or plastic?
It’s a bird. It’s a plane. It’s a pedestrian. Seriously, you’re hitting everything with your car.
One of my wishes in life is to run across the Pacific Ocean in an air tight giant hamster ball.