Did you know a tornado with no debris is called a naked twister?
Related: This evening is not going how I imagined.
You Might Also Like
The older I get, the more I feel like the town elders in Footloose were actually pretty cool.
My veterinarian asked a lot of personal questions. He was all like “Why do you want so much horse tranquilizer?” & “Do you even own horses?”
He said I won his heart and I was all “Ugh can I just win like $20? How about a sweater from Sears? A pencil? I could really use a pencil.”
the moral of the Phantom of the Opera is that sometimes there’s this weird guy who is impossible to deal with
Holiday dinners with family are like real life boss levels with the worst loot
MR. PEANUT: so you expect me to help sell members of my own kind to be eaten by humans?
BOSS: yeah. you get to wear a top hat and a monocle tho
MR. PEANUT: throw in some gloves and a cane and you’ve got yourself a deal
When I have more than $20 in my account at the end of the month I have to wonder what bill I forgot to pay.
spent 20 minutes training ChatGPT to write the perfect anniversary note for my wife so don’t try to tell me I’m not romantic
Who knew!
Every jogger is running towards cake or away from kale.
There should be a “shame” setting on showerheads.
i opened a savings account in 2008 with a $25 deposit. i’ve watched the money grow over the last decade, and though i’ve been tempted, i’ve left it alone. now i have $27.96, enough to retire on. take note.
Yoda, seeing himself in 4K:
HDMI
You can run but my rifle’s got a scope.
Her: Wtf? I thought I asked you to vacuum?…look at all this dog hair in the corner???
Me: No…Don’t touch it! (whispers) I hid one of the eggs under there.
Odd – my boss told me to meet him at the abandoned quarry at midnight for my performance evaluation
Me: Can I have a gin and tonic?
Them: Sir, this is an elementary school party.
Me: Fine. MAY I have a gin and tonic?
[job interview for garbageman]
interviewer: I like your enthusiasm, you’re hired
Three raccoons in trench coat: [ecstatic chittering]
*First date*
Him: I just want someone to say to me I love you and really mean it someday!
Me: I love you and really mean it someday..
Him:
Me: there’s no pleasing some people
Anything is detachable if you pull hard enough.
[morning after getting drunk]
age 23: did i make out with that guy
age 36: did i wash my face
all year 14 has said he hasn’t had any homework or school projects so either we hit the jackpot or shit is about to get REALLY real
If you ever wondered how long it takes for an over-heated microwave burrito to cool off, the answer is 37 days.
I’m concerned that the Mars Perseverance rover is stealing jobs from space cowboys
I don’t know anything about soccer, but I hope they win.
Go Soccers!
[jungle book]
bagheera: “you can’t fight him like a wolf, you’re NOT a wolf, fight him like a man”
mowgli: [writes a strongly worded e-mail]
What kind of bait does a librarian use when he goes fishing?
A bookworm!
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
#ThursdayThoughts #ThursdayVibes
[therapy]
me: I’m really trying to change
therapist: that’s great
me: I want to be become a different person
therapist: how
me: *squeezes eyes closed* telekinesis
therapist: no