Did you know cats are called cats because they’re roughly half the size of cattle?
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I only block people that deserve it and those I don’t like because of completely made up scenarios.
[My son’s 1st day of school]
ME [in tears] it’s just gone way too fast
TEACHER: Even so, you have to take him home now
What I ask my husband to buy:
Milk. Just milk.What he hears:
Some chocolate, doughnuts and trifles. Oh and milk.
Squirrels don’t hibernate in the winter they just get angry.
When a stranger changes in front of you, they’re either interested or you’re friend zoned.
It’s hard to tell from this tree.
whats wrong?
“the bills”
we need to cut costs
“any suggestions”
at least 3
[my backup singers] 🎶I think she’s talking abou-
“not now ladies”
is there anything more psychotic than the self-imposed deadline. why am i bullying myself then in turn standing up to my bully (who is me) by not doing the work i know i want to get done but i refuse to be bullied (by me) so i will purposefully miss the deadline (that is fake)
*bolts upright in bed, instantly wide awake in the middle of the night*
“FIRE TRUCKS SHOULD BE CALLED WATER TRUCKS”
1. Go to the vets
2. Tell them your fish is poorly
3. Put a fish finger on the examining table
4. Do a sad face
Alright…who left me unsupervised again?
i actually have so much empathy for pigeons. we’re all just waking around the city together eating garbage and almost getting hit by cars
*washes your smart car with a moist towelette*
Robin Thicke is what would happen if a roofie became a human and decided to make music.
“I’m just gonna pull on weird animal parts until something comes out that I can drink”
-guy who discovered milk
I wonder what the rest of this day has in store because I just spent 30 seconds looking for my car keys while sitting in my car with the engine running.
Therapist: Your relationships are unhealthy
Me: I have a healthy relationship with denial
Nothing is more terrifying than your wife walking into a room you were just in and yelling “Can you come here for a minute please?”
They say money talks, but mine barely gets a chance to introduce itself before it’s gone.
My sister thinks I should come see her new baby, but where was she when I got my new goldfish? Nice try sis.
“I don’t care!”, he tweeted, again.
a horse standing on its tiptoes after seeing a giraffe
waiter: would u like a baked potato, mashed potatoes, or fries with that
me: yes
When your teen is already bigger than you are…
You’re 25, please stop saying back in the day.
Finished the cable concealer project. Finally my wife will be so proud of me
BANK ROBBER: ok hands in the air. nobody move. slide to the left. slide to the right. take it back now y’all. one hop this time
“What do we want?”
“A compilation album!”
“What shall we call it?”
“Now!”
11: He shoots for her coffee. He SCORES! HE’S…
Me: Grounded.