Did you know cats are called cats because they’re roughly half the size of cattle?
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ME: *stands by the window*
ELF ON THE SHELF: *into sleeve* take the shot
There’s a tree outside my window that sounds like a ventriloquist doll scraping it’s tiny fingers across the wall when it’s windy at night. Yeah, it’s definitely the tree. Definitely the tree
Christmas combines two things I love the most, getting fat and lying to children.
My walk of shame is spending 10 minutes trying to pronounce something at a Mexican restaurant before giving up and ordering tacos.
I practice law under my previous husband’s last name bc I built my firm around that name.
Today the Judge called me by my current husband’s last name.
Client: What the hell? He doesn’t even know your name!
Me: That is my last name.
C: WHAT THE HELL I don’t even know your name!
my aunt: why u kids always on them phones cant u have a real conversation
me: *puts down phone* *crosses legs* why did u melt the ice caps
ME:You wanna come in?
VAMPIRE:Oh, can’t, vampire
M:Unless I invite you
V:Oh…you know about that
M:Yeah, you can-
V:It’s just…I’m super busy…
This nice guy next to me on the flight just offered to switch seats so I could sit next to my family.
“Oh they paid extra to have someone sit in between us so they don’t have to be near me.”
I’m pretty sure he didn’t realize it was a joke, and the flight is really tense now.
If you bring a child into a store and give that child a whistle, just know everyone in there will be a suspect in your murder.
[Car at red lights]
ME *starts fiddling with the radio*HOT WOMAN: *pulls up alongside me*
ME: *slowly lowers the fiddle*
Jane Fonda as bottles of hand wash.
A thread.
yesterday i took apart an egg timer because the ticking was too loud. i thought when I got it open and saw all the gears id know what to do. this was not the case
Him: [handing me $20] here’s your Christmas present
Me: thanks [handing it back] here’s yours
My kid just told me he needs to take 120 of something to school tomorrow, so his choices are cheerios or my tears
They say it takes a village to raise a child, but they never tell me which village or how to reach them.
Your voice mail was so long, I thought I was listening to a podcast.
Friend: you know what would suck
Me: yes, being a claustrophobic turtle
Friend:
Me:
Friend: how do you even function
There’s a fine line between “I slept great” and “what did I do to my neck?”
My best friend bought my daughter a 2000 piece bead kit when she turned four and to this day I don’t know what I did to piss her off.
Everyone rags on Facebook, but where else can you get a weather update, religious counseling, and a peach cobbler recipe all in one site.
The man who invented PIN numbers and ATM machines has died.
May he RIP in peace.
[first day as a barista]
ME: large coffee ready for a *squints to read* nice hole
NICHOLE: oh come on
If you don’t have anything nice to say, you’ve come to the right place.
Me: we’re throwing a surprise party for Tim
Wife: don’t you hate Tim?
Me: [filling balloons with bees] yes
[me laughing hysterically at a tweet]
Strangers walking by: what is wrong with you
Me: I don’t know
When do kids stop eating things they find on the floor? According to my husband it’s not 38.
Hey yea man, send me that YouTube link. I’m definitely gonna watch it and not just default send back “lol” after a few minutes.
“Just gonna take a little off the top” I whisper, scooping all the icing from your cake with my fork.
Falling in love is like Falling Ketchup from a Bottle.
At first slowly, and then all at once.*The fault in our Jars*
Blind guy: I love this half-sandwich restaurant.
Me: What do you mean? This place only serves whole-
Service dog: *puts a paw on my lips*