Did you know cats are called cats because they’re roughly half the size of cattle?

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Stop giving me life advice, people who don’t know how crocodiles have sex.


You can confuse and ultimately disappoint a lot of people if your trick or treating costume is “pizza delivery man”


[dollar tree]
CASHIER: i’m sorry sir but we don’t actually sell trees that grow dollars
ME: get me the manager


barista: room for cream?

me: oh you must be new *puts hand on his shoulder* that’s called a refrigerator


He: How are you?
Me: Thanks, but I’m too old for you
He: I was going to ask about your wireless prov…
Me: Just keep telling yourself that


Just received an email listing 5 ways to prevent divorce. ‘Don’t get married’ wasn’t on there. Or ‘murder.’ Stupid list.


[Commercial for hobbies]

Like drugs for people who don’t do drugs.



You, idiot magician: I’ve sawed a lady in half!

Me, brilliant English teacher: you’ve SEEN a lady in half


AUSTRALIA: Massive community barbecue has been planned in Perth, outside the home of a vegan woman who took her neighbour to court because she could smell barbecued meat in her backyard.