@JeffisTallguy

Did you know cats are called cats because they’re roughly half the size of cattle?

You Might Also Like

@Dawn_M_

Stop giving me life advice, people who don’t know how crocodiles have sex.

@SortaBad

You can confuse and ultimately disappoint a lot of people if your trick or treating costume is “pizza delivery man”

@fro_vo

[dollar tree]
CASHIER: i’m sorry sir but we don’t actually sell trees that grow dollars
ME: get me the manager

@Browtweaten

barista: room for cream?

me: oh you must be new *puts hand on his shoulder* that’s called a refrigerator

@Snarfernini

He: How are you?
Me: Thanks, but I’m too old for you
He: I was going to ask about your wireless prov…
Me: Just keep telling yourself that

@fluffysuse

Just received an email listing 5 ways to prevent divorce. ‘Don’t get married’ wasn’t on there. Or ‘murder.’ Stupid list.

@Super_Cynthia

[Commercial for hobbies]

Like drugs for people who don’t do drugs.

“HOBBIES”

@KylePlantEmoji

You, idiot magician: I’ve sawed a lady in half!

Me, brilliant English teacher: you’ve SEEN a lady in half

@spectatorindex

AUSTRALIA: Massive community barbecue has been planned in Perth, outside the home of a vegan woman who took her neighbour to court because she could smell barbecued meat in her backyard.