Stop giving me life advice, people who don’t know how crocodiles have sex.
Did you know cats are called cats because they’re roughly half the size of cattle?
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You can confuse and ultimately disappoint a lot of people if your trick or treating costume is “pizza delivery man”
CASHIER: i’m sorry sir but we don’t actually sell trees that grow dollars
ME: get me the manager
barista: room for cream?
me: oh you must be new *puts hand on his shoulder* that’s called a refrigerator
He: How are you?
Me: Thanks, but I’m too old for you
He: I was going to ask about your wireless prov…
Me: Just keep telling yourself that
Just received an email listing 5 ways to prevent divorce. ‘Don’t get married’ wasn’t on there. Or ‘murder.’ Stupid list.
[Commercial for hobbies]
Like drugs for people who don’t do drugs.
You, idiot magician: I’ve sawed a lady in half!
Me, brilliant English teacher: you’ve SEEN a lady in half
AUSTRALIA: Massive community barbecue has been planned in Perth, outside the home of a vegan woman who took her neighbour to court because she could smell barbecued meat in her backyard.