Did you know cats are called cats because they’re roughly half the size of cattle?
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My 3yo doesn’t understand Where’s Wally and just keeps hiding the book from his brother
me: why are you leaving me Barbar?
Barbara: because after 11 years you can’t get my name right
me: but I love you Brabra
You know the jack in a box that scared the life out of you when you were a child? That’s me as an adult cooking with my smoke detector
think about this. if u put a banana down u have to put it on its side. but if u slice it and put those slices flat they r actually standing up. this is why i don’t trust bananas. they r never as they seem
Current fitness level: arm is tired from brushing teeth.
Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my 4th cup of French onion soup.
Doctor 1: burrowing mites under the skin is pretty gross, but how do we make it sound even grosser?
Doctor 2: let’s call it scabies
Doctor 1: YES!! done
I hate when I’m running on the treadmill for half an hour and look down to see it’s been 4 minutes.
COP: the word booty is painted all over ur neighbor’s house
ME: that’s awful
COP: he has video of the culprit
ME: that’s even worse isn’t it
[Wendy’s]
Me: *confidently walking up to the counter after they got my order wrong* i’d like to speak to wendy
My favorite way of establishing dominance is to spend hours cleaning my entire room and then say “sorry it’s so messy” when people come in
My boyfriend is so rude. He hasn’t even introduced himself to me yet.
Me at 10 pm: lets brush my teeth so that I don’t eat unnecessarily
Me at 10.10 pm: dang it
To all my new moms, I highly recommend you start working on that upper body strength. Because you’re going to need to to haul a kicking toddler around football style.
I’m not saying my wife orders a lot from Amazon but one of their drivers sent us a wedding invitation.
Friend: Did you know most people mistake thirst for hunger?
Me: Really? Weird. Hey, are you going to eat that water bottle?
A horror movie but it’s just a married couple trying to work from home and one of them is chewing
Telling people to ban same sex marriage cuz of your religion is like telling the supermarket to stop selling junk food cuz you’re on a diet.
Be safe this weekend, otherwise your dumb friends will end up telling some local news reporter how you were always the “life of the party.”
I am ‘being spanked and told to nap is punishment’ years old
*winks*
I WON’T STAND FOR THIS IDIOCY!
*sits*
Ok, proceed.
When I die I don’t want a big funeral. I’d just like a few of my close friends to get together and try to bring me back to life…
me: I would hate to be the Bear of Bad News
my wife: it’s bearer of bad news not Bear of Bad News
Bear of Bad News: lady you don’t know wtf you’re talking about
5: mom i learned the months of the year!
me: oh yeah? what are they?
5: january…february…tuesday?
me: *tears up application to harvard
What no one in the congregation expected was a reverse rapture that left everyone naked watching their clothes float away.
ME: people only use 10% of their brains
FRIEND: that’s an urban legend
ME: no it’s not. my grandma told it to me, and she lives on a farm
“Oh, are you driving?” -Good question to ask someone as they force you into their trunk
[holding a baby]
me: uh so how long have you been a baby?
Fitbits are just Tamagotchi except the stupid animal ur trying to keep alive is u
Sometimes I question the medical advice on Twitter. With that said, I’ve removed my appendix. Now what?