Did you know cats are called cats because they’re roughly half the size of cattle?
You Might Also Like
Can Happiness buy money?
Girl asked me if I wanted to watch a “romcom” so I’m going to assume she means “Roman Combat” and put on Gladiator.
You’re not supposed to end a sentence with a preposition and two prepositions is even worse. I don’t remember what website I got that off of.
Kids today have it easy!
In the old days, before smartphones & Instagram, by the time we finished the painting, our food was already cold.
SHE has the mouth of a sailor…
…that recently retired & started a new career as a trucker.
Me: I’ll take these shovels. Do you carry limes
Cashier: *suspicious* Do you mean lime?
Me: Which one goes in rum and coke?
Cashier: Limes
Me: The other one, the dead body one
What my neighbors thought of me after they moved in:
1. She’s eating cake
2. She’s eating chips
3. She’s eating cake again
4. She’s dipping chips in the cake
I’ve been doing “CrossFit” every day for the last few years.
I cross my fingers and hope that some of my clothes still fit.
#SundayMorning #RubbishJokes #Fitness
Beethoven:Who wants to hear some Symphonies?
*crowd goes wild
B:I SAID WHO WANTS TO HEAR SOME SYMPHONIES
*crowd goes nuts
B:I CANT HEAR YOU!
COACH: You miss 100% of the shots you take.
ME: You mean, don’t take?
COACH: No. You are, by far, the worst athlete I have ever seen.
every night i say to my husband, “go up without me, I have to take my vitamins” but I’m just eating cookie dough
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes
Netflix: Ok tell me one thing that happened in the last episode
Me: What?
Netflix: The guy with the mustache, what’s his name?
Me: Why are you being like this?
Netflix: *sadly* You’re always on that damn phone
Receptionist: the doctor can see you now
invisible man who’s also blind: who said that
receptionist: who said that
Wind chimes are a bit like children. You can enjoy the sounds of your own but everyone else’s is like a cheese grater on sunburnt skin.
A possum broke into an Australian bakery and ate so many pastries it couldn’t move. This is how they found him.
There are 70,000 Jehovah’s Witnesses in Melbourne for a conference. So I’ll be answering the door naked this weekend.
Sometimes when my boyfriend makes a racist joke I am like Ugh why did I even imagine you?
Shoutout to my upstairs neighbors who wrestled a large moose last night
[at the club]
Me: …everyone seemed to be just fine with Superman wearing red knee high boots
Her: Just take them off
If you’re curious what the priciest item in a store is just bring a kid along because they’ll definitely find then break it
Triscuits are great because it reminds us that our gums can get splinters too.
I must be an amazing singer… My daughter is so moved by the music, she’s rocking and crying in the corner.
We have plumbers working in our house. I just heard one of them say “Lefty loosey, righty tighty.” I know we’re in good hands.
doctor: i have good news and bad news. the bad news is your wife is going to be a widow
me: [devastated] what’s the good news
doctor: [pulls out engagement ring] not for long
Mrs. Cinnamon Toast Crunch is about to eat her family and honestly I get it
LONELY OPTIMUS PRIME: *hires a ford escort service*
It’s simple …..when life throws you assholes..rip them a new one.
If you wanna make someone cry just show them the earliest year they can retire
I’ve worked several high-pressure corporate jobs, but I never put more effort into the way I look than when I’m working with kids. Like, the CEO of a company never asked me what happened to my hair or why I’m dressed like Beetlejuice.
Ziiipppp, zip, zip, zip, ziiiipppp!
*Me, dramatically ending a marital spat during a camping trip