Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Last Halloween I had to explain to everyone that I was not a ghost with a boner, but I was just a ghost and I happened to have a boner.

Grocery shopping before Christmas is a nightmare… My gallon of milk expired while I was waiting in line….

Tracklist for Donda 2

1. I hate Pete Davidson.
2. Did I mention that I hate Pete Davidson.
3. Cancel Pete.
4. I hope Pete Davidson has a really awful day.
5. I still hate Pete Davidson.
6. Kim come back.
7. I really hate someone with the initials P.D

I’m at a fancy restaurant so of course I ordered the Patricia melt.

Perms are just rad skateparks for lice.

For an extra ten bucks Lyft will pick you up in a black SUV but I’ll go as high as $30 if I can ride to work in a taco truck.

Gym trainer: are you looking to lose weight or increase cardio and fitness?

Me: I wanna look hot enough so people think I’m a bot

ME: i’m depressed

FRIEND: cheer up essential oils will make you feel better

ME: *sprays him with pepper spray* hey it worked

I wonder how long the first person to deliver twins waited before they realized that was the last one

Banderslack Clamberdorch

Ozempic is impressive and all but i’m not a fan of how it works which is basically just an appetite suppressant so it’s easier to eat less. i don’t wanna eat less, i want a pill that somehow absorbs the calories from the large pizza i just ate and gives them back to God!

there should be a crisis hotline to call for anyone who has witnessed me trying to eat a big leaf salad in public

This guy at the bar wouldn’t shut up about how Zombies “could be real”

So I killed him…

If he comes back…He wins the argument

I have the body of a 30yr old

Sofa.

If you’re not following me and received this tweet, it’s because someone is smarter than you.

Vegans aren’t so bad. They taste like chicken.

I’m not buying a coffee table until I finish walking around the furniture store barefoot kicking legs to see which hurts the least.

You should’ve seen the confused look on my neighbor’s faces when they came downstairs to a fresh pot of coffee this morning.

COP: Describe the robber to our sketch artist

ME: He had one eye higher than the other and his lips on his forehead

PICASSO: I got this

Fun idea! Complimentary deodorant with each transit fare purchase.

GF: “you’re so childish”
me: “it’s my day too linda”
[we sit in silence]
wedding planner: “so is that a yes or a no on the bouncy castle?”

Why are you wearing that outfit again?

Me: Because I paid for it and I have a washing machine

I hate it when genies exploit your poor choice of wording to fulfill your wish in a way you don’t actually want, like dude, you know what I meant.

In the United States, plastic flamingos outnumber the real ones.

Another case where fake ones have a leg up.

When someone asks me a question that I can tell is gonna turn a rude corner, I like to trap them with my Keep Going facial expression. Eyebrows lifted, face tilted, slight smile. And then I wait, ready with a pleasant Yikes.

Magneto: Never trust a beautiful woman, especially one who seems interested in you.

Me: *on the couch eating Ruffles in sweatpants* Yeah.

The only time that I get sucked in bed is when there’s a mosquito in the room.

We were walking out of Costco when we saw this baby eat the receipt before they got out. The mom’s look was just like, oh no

a man walking his kids to school told me to “keep going” as I was running past as if I was about to lie down on the tarmac and give up without his intervention

My son was telling me about a math test that he bombed & said that 70% of the class bombed it, too. My response:

“You just failed a math test. I’m pretty sure that percentage is wrong, too.”