What’s upsetting about hearing my neighbor have sex is realizing she can hear me ask my dog if we’re best friends multiple times a day
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The best thing about a rabbit is it doesn’t matter how bad a lay you are, everyone compares good sex to you.
the real victims in all of this are those of us who like to take soup in museums to have a nice snack and now will be regarded with hostility and suspicion — or worse!
I was on a search party in the forest last night.
Bit of a boring party.
We found a dead guy though.
Just made an appointment with a cardiologist. Don’t be alarmed, I’m sure all my cardigans are fine. I just wanna make sure they fit.
Padmé: Dating is scaring. I just want to find a nice guy who’s not going to murder me.
Anakin: You’ve chosen wisely.
My child will plan a thousand activities for after school then come home and sit in her pants watching cartoons for hours instead so I guess the apple really doesn’t fall far from the tree
I relate more to “Rice, rice, baby” – because Asian
Me: How dare you accuse me of being drunk last night !?
Wife: You were laughing all night at the TV – that wasn’t even turned on!
defendant: *into mic* um can I say something?
defense attorney: NO!
judge: NO!
ghost of dead lawyer: NO!
random stranger: NO!
defendant’s family in courtroom: NO!
prosecutor: YES!!
Her: You like shopping?
Me: Oh god yes!
Her: What’s your favorite place?
Me: The grocery store. There is a whole aisle of just cheese!
The ice cream man is not impressed how much faster I run than children.
Girlfriend left a note on the fridge “this isn’t working, you take everything too literally”.
She’ll be so happy when she sees the new one.
Marriage: an institution where having to slightly adjust your mirrors every time you get in your car puts you in a homicidal rage.
[drive thru] I just really need to talk about Buffy the Vampire Slayer and you’re the only one awake.
Did you ever ask your parents what went wrong, people named Lasagna?
CARPET SALESMAN: [sighing, handing me another sample] What about this one for your bedroom?
ME: Hmmm no that one is also far too small
[Snow White meets Seven Dwarfs]
SNOW WHITE: Why is your name Bashful?
BASHFUL: [recalling when he bashed in the 8th dwarf’s skull] No reason
Years ago after much testing and pearl clenching, a library I worked for purchased chairs that were designed to discourage snoozing. Within 15 minutes of the day they arrived, someone fell asleep in one. Wish I had saved the photo.
That awkward moment when you look over to give another driver a condescending look criticizing their driving and you nearly wreck and die.
“Lets all start wearing weird ’90s mom jeans!” – girls now
me: if reality is a simulation then why is it so cruel
also me: i wonder if i can drown this sim in a pot of spaghetti
the process of buying a podcast mic in america needs to be made as or more difficult than buying a gun
I have 4ish hours to sleep, but instead of doing so I’ll just complain online about how little potential sleep I have left.
[first day as a doctor]
me: we need to amputate your son’s leg
mother: i want a second opinion!
me: the star wars prequels were pretty good actually
mother: no, another doctor
another doctor: attack of the clones is my favourite
“Do you want to play doctors and nurses?”
*flirty giggle* “ok…”
“I’m a specialist. The earliest I can see you is May next year”
Parenting little kids is mostly saying “please eat” or “do NOT put that in your mouth”
When the pandemic ends, don’t forget to update your Face ID so your phone can recognize you without that cheeto dust mustache.
My credit score is me crying in the rain and fighting with a family of raccoons for territory.
My scariest campfire story is about the time I held a flashlight under my chin to tell one and everybody started counting my whiskers…