DID YOU KNOW: If every person on the planet lined up along the Earth’s equator, most of them would drown.
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I will selflessly protect my family from a life of diabetes by eating the entire box of donuts.
Incredible news from my son’s school as he informs me he knows a 5 year old named Alan.
I’m going to the gym now. Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
*when toddlers meet*
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
Toddler 1: …
Toddler 2: …
Toddler 1: …
Toddler 2: …
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
Ten bucks says next year Planet Fitness uses the slogan “Flatten Your Curve.”
Cheer up.
It would be magical for babies and toddlers to fly with animals. In that part of the plane.
I love when a chef refers to themself as “fearless.” Like, are those figs on that sandwich? Calm down, Napoleon
ME: My dog’s so happy I’m working from home.
DOG (to camera): Honestly, a heads up would have been nice. I had shit planned today.
I am SO DONE WITH MEN. Most of them, anyway. At least one of them. I am SO DONE WITH AT LEAST ONE OF THE MEN.
I am a brown supremacist. I dream that the whole world will be one giant call centre one day.
And it’s a gold to my husband for the best dad explanation of Fencing to our 10yr old.
“Fencing is where you have to go and put up a fence, with wood usually..”
ME: You’re a silly sausage aren’t you?
SAUSAGE: [peering over spectacles] I may have acted out in my youth but that’s not what defines me.
Video Games in the 80s: Run! Jump! Eat this flower! Collect the coins!
Video Games Now: You are a broken man, haunted by the choices you’ve made. You do not fear the sweet embrace of death, but you still have unfinished business.
*sees lawn gnome cartwheel into room*
*calls to renew prescription*
Watch what you do in front of people. You never know when there might be a documentary being filmed about you and someone says, “He was dipping pieces of rotisserie chicken in tartar sauce and it made my skin crawl.”
At this point, I think the people on “The Walking Dead” are trying to bore the zombies into not biting them.
Them: Are you going to be part of the problem or part of the solu-
Me: Oh problem, definitely
Them: That wasn’t…it was a rhetorica
–
Me: I have some ideas on how to make the problem even funnier than it is
Them: I’ll see you in court!
Me: Never![in court]
Me: (enters in head-to-toe camouflage]
[noticing that the girl i’m talking to at the bar is wearing a ring] I see you’ve won a super bowl
Eating a takeout salad alone in your car can feel depressing, but not if you fully commit to the backstory that you’re a detective on a stakeout.
My uncle got stuck in a cloud while skydiving and lived for 72 days by drinking rain and eating birds that flew too close
My kids decided to move a piece of furniture to a random spot, I wonder how much it will cost to fix whatever they’re covering up
Me to Gonzo: Stop chasing after her! She’s toxic!
Gonzo: You don’t even know her, Mom!
Me: Well, I know she’s a toad.
“The name’s Bond, James Bond…
and you are”?
TRANSLATORS: we’re done, sire. 7 years. Every last word painstakingly translated into English.
KING JAMES I: call it the King James Bible
*wraps bacon in bacon wrapped bacon*
This is always good for a laugh.
I finally shaved that big toe this morning. Watch out world because I’m comin’ for you now.
“Swimsuit season is over,” I announce, a fistful of chocolate cake in one hand and a tray of brownies in the other. My husband slowly backs out of the room.