DID YOU KNOW: If every person on the planet lined up along the Earth’s equator, most of them would drown.
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This dude winked at me in the market so when he wasn’t looking I put a bunch of douches in his cart
I do so love when I’m not on twit for a few hours and when I come back there’s something that everyone’s alluding to and I get to slowly piece together what happened like I’m reading the log on an abandoned ship
My dog just looked at me and sighed. He has to stop hanging out with my wife.
Be nice to a nerd. Prevent a supervillain.
The lawn guy asks to use my bathroom. A flicker of doubt. Is it safe to have a stranger in my house? Do I put out the fancy soap?
Buzz: hey Neil where do cows come from?
Neil: I dunno where
Buzz: the moooon haha
..
..
*single gunshot*
Neil: uh Houston we have a problem
Got 3 boxes of tampons, Midol & Ibuprofen at the store. Checker was so scared he paid for my shit & carried it out for me.
I got a notice we are taking company pictures today.
*walks in dressed as Super Girl.
I’m thrilled that you found Jesus. Where was he hiding?
looking back on it, it’s even funnier how those celebrities decided it was time to sing us that “Imagine” montage after being stuck inside for like 36 hours
I’ve yet to find a romantic comedy that speaks to me. Maybe if they set it in an institution or an Arby’s restroom.
this is ur captain. sory for descending thru another cloud but ralph told me it was posible to land on one of these things so we keep trying
I bought a ton of veggies from the farmer’s market and straightaway made some instant noodles cause life is all about balance.
Me: You’re kidnapping me? Where’re we going? Can we feed my cats first? Is there a ransom? Cool van. My name-
Him: Changed my mind. Get out.
I put so much brandy in my warm milk last night, I don’t even remember going to bed. It was like Milk of Amnesia.
I am doomed ! My eight year god daughter borrowed my beard trimmers and removed her long blonde hair whilst I was making custard. Her parents do not pick her up until tomorrow lunch time. She is happy as Larry, actually looks good with a crew cut. I am doomed
Friend: [admiring photo of me, my husband, two sons and our dog] What a beautiful family.
Me: [whispering] My whole house smells like pee.
Give your kid a bowl of chips, and he’ll eat for a few minutes. Let him dump out a bag of chips in the car, and he’ll eat for a whole week
*shaking chip crumbs into my mouth*
May it please the Court.
Let’s normalize throwing bouquets at funerals to see whose next.
Me: get murdered or die trying amirite
Doctor: then you have three months to get murdered
It is WAY TOO EARLY for Christmas music. -people in the year 75 BC
i’ve dated so many tools i could open a home depot
me: hi i’ve come to pick up my suit
tailor: ok what name is it
me: i dunno maybe trevor the tux or something
When you find out your hotel has a waffle bar.
Hell hath no fury like a woman.
Oh? That’s not the entire expression?
You may not like the word “moist” but the alternative is “endampened” and I’ll not have endampened cake.
When the person ahead of you joins the rewards program, you should get 10% off just for waiting.
him: what are you looking for on this dating site?
me: someone who will hold the cats down so I can take pics of them wearing sunglasses.