DID YOU KNOW: If you don’t eat animal products, you will take it out on everyone else forever?
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HR: Can you explain this??
Me: I thought it was CORNhub, with recipes on how to make delicious corn and corn related dishes
When I’m texting, I start typing faster when i see you’re typing too. Oh, IT’S ON!! #amazingrace
When you explain your code to a rubber duck and it starts asking better questions than your product manager. Now that’s debugging at it’s finest.
i love reading online product reviews because there will be 8,000 that say “this blender is amazing, highly recommended” and one that will be like “garbage, do not buy, i tried to blend concrete and a crowbar and the thing broke immediately”
It’s way easier to procure food now than it was for our ancestors. Thousands of years ago, instead of buying it in the store, I would have had to hunt this can of Pringles in the wild.
Me: *innocently throwing away crumpled up paper*
My kid: *Throwing herself on the floor in a pile of despair* THAT WAS MY SUPER SPECIAL CRAFT
wife:
Where are the powdered doughnuts?me:
The main reason I don’t own a gun is because I would shoot people who scare me when they sneeze.
If you can’t handle me at my worst you don’t deserve to throw rocks at glass houses where I roll but collect no moss.
Daddy Longlegs: Proof you need to settle your inner demons before naming animals.
When algebra teachers retire, how do they deal with the aftermath?
How come those cross species adoption videos are always cats or dogs raising baby birds? Just once I’d like to see a hawk enthusiastically barfing into a kittens mouth.
If you can reach enlightenment, can you also reach endarkenment?
My wife says the kids look just like their father…
…and if I ever find out who he is, he’s got some explaining to do
What kind of country do we live in when an artist like Sia won’t take advantage of the freedom to change her last name to Lateralligator?
My new SUV has a button that says
“Rear Wiper”.
I’m afraid to push it.
no matter how shitty your morning is at your office job today at least you didn’t underwrite the insurance policy for a cargo ship that took out an $800 million bridge
The best murder weapon would be a tupperwear lid because nobody would ever find it
Girlfriend is on her way over. Aaaaaaannd history deleted.
When your joke is so hilarious that HR wants to hear it
Watch James Cameron’s spectacular vision to take 3 hours to tell a storyline that could’ve been an e-mail
…again.
(Now in theaters)
[being 40]
fitness device: you had a great 8 hrs of sleep and reduced your sleep debt! good job
me: aw great thanks but i feel kind of –
FD: your body is only 38% recovered today
me: wtf
My dentist plays country music, so it’s like a double torture.
Hey girl, on a scale of ‘Neo’s mind in the beginning of The Matrix’ and ‘Neo’s mind at the end’, how free are you tonight?
Why stop at biting during sex?
Bite people all the time.
As a kid: the floor is lava
As a parent: the floor is Lego™️
If the sun is so hot how come it’s single
When I was kid the internet was called Encyclopedia Britannica
I’m sick and tired of being the only person who cooks, cleans, and pays all the damn bills in this house.
I live alone, but still.
Reverse psychology – only it’s me swapping chairs when my therapist went to the bathroom.