DID YOU KNOW: If you don’t eat animal products, you will take it out on everyone else forever?
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Parents are like “i don’t want my teen having sex” and i get it. I had sex as a teen and now every full moon I turn into a giant sex
CIA: So what did you call that new tracking software we put on everyone’s iPhone?
NSA: “U2’s New Album”
What did this chicken ever do to them?? 😂😂😂
Wife: Who is it?
Me [hand over phone]: The police, they say it’s now illegal to fake throw a ball
Dog in other room: [hangs up his phone]
7YO: Maybe I’ll behave tomorrow and then you’ll let me watch tv?
Me: Why are you saying “maybe?”
Her: I don’t know the future
Parenthood is basically just pretending to be angry when you aren’t and pretending not to be angry when you are.
“When I’m dead, I’d like you to buy a $9,000 box and throw it down a hole.”
-Humans
Just a reminder that a Cheesecake Factory menu counts as summer reading for your kids.
Happy Victorian Christmas, the sparrows are coming for us all
“So, is there a MRS. A-Z?” – Lady hitting on Jason Mraz
Every birth announcement I see the parents are like “we’re already so in love!” Just once I want a “she seems chill but we’ll see what happens”
Had a bad mixup at the store today. Cashier said strip down facing me. Apparently she meant my credit card.
The guy who drills the holes so you can assemble IKEA furniture is clearly having problems at home.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Can you hear my chips?
Dear Snapchat, I don’t care what I look like as a strawberry, just give me a filter that makes me look like I showered.
me: hm what could I add to this bath to relax and forget everything?
my brain: a hairdryer.
Science is tricky. Keeps you on your toes.
Mineralogy? Study of minerals.
Oceanology? Study of oceans.
Meteorology? NOT ABOUT METEORS.
Warring nations should hurl their politicians at each other.
My son is so lazy he’s went from playing video games on the computer to watching other people play video games on the computer.
If I had to pick a favorite Rocky movie, it’d be Rocky IV. I’ve never seen it but I hear Creed dies in that one & I really hate their music.
You don’t know rock bottom until someone tries to tickle your neck fat.
When the @funTweeters account RTs my tweet.
babe wake up they’re canceling someone you’ve never heard of before
My wife tried calling the cable company and they put her on hold for 58 seconds…
58 seconds…
58 whole seconds…
Then she hung up, because she said “it felt like forever.”
…where was that attitude on our wedding night???
The corner of this table hurt me and made me cry, so now we’re dating
“Good luck tomorrow.”
* Me confusing a random stranger *
Me: I don’t care if schools open, you’re not going.
13: I am going! You’re not using this as an opportunity to live out your homeschool mom fantasies.
Me: Please. My fantasies involve boarding schools. Get over yourself.
Welcome to your 40’s. You now have to second guess your age as you can’t believe you’re that old
My 6yo: There’s no school on Friday because it’s a teacher planning day. What does that mean?
Me: [mumbling] They plan on screwing up my Friday, that’s what.
It was suggested I gargle salt water to ease gum pain. Found potato chips works just as well. Salt is salt