DID YOU KNOW: If you don’t eat animal products, you will take it out on everyone else forever?
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herekittykittykittykitty
– me stoned about to lose a hand to a raccoon
I still remember the day I asked my mom “why did you have so many of us? (I have 4 brothers and 2 sisters)
Her response: there was nothing good on T.V.
My 7yo gave up a simple joke thats good enough 2 laugh at.
Why did the chewing gum cross the road?
Cause it was stuck on the chicken’s foot!
Thought it would be romantic to recreate the 12 Days of Christmas, but having 23 game birds indoors is actually a hellish nightmare.
Judging by this one leg hair I found, I have missed this spot with the razor everyday since 1985. So sexy.
Did you know Yoda has a last name?
It’s Layheehoo…
You’d think after 12 years of filming Boyhood someone would be like hey maybe we should make this good.
My foot just now fell asleep which means I’ve finally gained its trust.
The interview was going great until my puppet started screaming
4yo: Can I have some more Easter candy?
Me: After lunch
4yo: I want lunch right now. I’m starving!!
Me: We just ate breakfast
4yo: Starving!
[Day 5]
GOD: What do you think?
ANGEL: You’re tired. Why don’t we try making the birds tomorrow.
1 in 3 Americans, weighs as much as the other 2…!!
Thank god it‘s friday. Only 40 more years of working.
Valet parking is cool because obviously I didn’t spend the last five years meticulously fine-tuning the positions of my seat, steering wheel, and mirrors, by all means please do just shove everything wherever you want it for the one minute you’ll be driving my car
My birthstone is kidney
I put my shoes on like everyone else. I beckon for my footman, Chauncey, and he does it straightaway. Your guy probably has a different name
Doctor *as I wake up after an accident* I’m afraid your body’s in a terrible condition
Me: oh no
Doctor: and then you were in an accident
My 8yo’s looking for a summer job. He’s a pretty decent bartender if anyone’s hiring.
I bet Sauron would be a lot more respected if he had a monocle.
[HONK HONK]
…one more honk and I’m gonna…
[HONK]
*gets out of my car*
*walks to the car behind me*
*feeds the driver’s goose some bread*
Sometimes I think I should try to be a better person, but then I remember I’m good-looking, so I’m, like, nah.
My mom bought me a bottle of whiskey as a Xmas gift…
She seemed a little upset that I said she should’ve mailed it ahead of her visit.
Me: hello I’ve run out of toilet paper
Front desk: oh I’m sorry for the inconvenience
Me: oh no worries, but I’ve also run out of towels
[Tattoo on nuts]
Caution: May contain people
The guy that figured out babies instinctively hold their breath under water probably had a lot of explaining to do.
My dog thinks her entire family was murdered by a hula hoop, there’s just no other explanation.
ME: Hi. I’m in the gym parking lot.
HUSBAND: That’s great! Are you finally working out?
ME: No. My car broke down. Can you come pick me up? This place is really scary.
Welcome to adulthood. Every time you login now, it’s a game of “Will I get into my account the first time” or “Will I be spending the rest of my life sitting here resetting my password forever.”
oh you wanna fight?!
