DID YOU KNOW: If you don’t eat animal products, you will take it out on everyone else forever?
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Please do not return empty candy wrappers to the dish. It leads to false expectations and uncontrollable rage.
A mockingbird, a diamond ring, a mirror, a goat, a cart and bull, and finally a dog.
If you’re trying to quiet a baby, may I recommend a pacifier and a white noise machine?
Husband: The kids better not find out you ate their desserts.
Me in deep voice: Dead…men…tell…no…tales.
They say guys who drive tiny sports cars are trying to over-compensate…
*walks up to guy in minivan*
“Sup?”
Me screaming at the pollen on my walk before work this morning
Hell hath no fury like me when I’m ranting and someone interrupts me with rationale.
We gave DanceBot a machete as a joke. No one could have predicted the rhythmic horror that came next.
What’s the normal amount of hair to mail someone? I feel like this is a lot of hair I’m mailing to someone
My childless friend told me how easy parenting is so I went over at 0500 with fingerpaints and my toddler. We’ve been listening to Baby Bum nonstop, there’s food on the walls and every time she goes to the bathroom, we bust in to tell her all the words that rhyme with “poop”
We’ve secretly replaced Janet’s coffee with melatonin capsules. Let’s see if— okay yeah, she noticed. She looks pissed. Sleepy, but pissed…
5yo just asked for, and I quote, “two fingers of milk” if you’re wondering how parenting during lockdown is going
The emotional roller-coaster of catching the bouquet, then remembering I’m at a funeral.
Can I put on a tinder account that I’ve never lost at Wordle, or is that too hot?
Time for my annual harsh but true fitness assessment in the Target fitting room 🙁
I think they could have phrased this better
Tomb = Toom
Womb = Woom
Bomb = Boom
[During sex]
Me: What did you mean the other day when you said I have bad timing?
“most famous reindeer of all” isn’t all that impressive tbh. compared to whom, exactly
Even in mid-air, when we
can see nothing but the clouds, my kid can still rock the question, ‘are we there yet’
SUPERMAN: *putting on a bird costume with airplane wings* Now to really screw with them
[first time]
HER: (handing me condom) Do you know how to put this on?
ME: They showed us in health class.
HER: Good.
ME: Okay, where’s the banana?
Website: Make a password
Me: Ok
Website: Make it STRONGER so you don’t get HACKED
Me: Wow alright
Website: Damn that’s a strong password
[1 Week Later]
Website: You got hacked
Me: But my password was so strong
Website: Yeah the whole site got hacked. Our bad
You light one person on fire and all of a sudden the police drive by on the daily.
Courage is taking a selfie at an angle below your chin.
Yes, mother, I have gained weight.
No, it was not appropriate to point it out by pinching my muffin top in front of thirty people.
BOSS:You were supposed to get an inconspicuous heist car!
ME:No one’ll suspect the google car
B:It’s literally documenting everything we do
Yes, I am a fully grown woman.
No, I won’t leave this ball pit.
Before you decide to spend less time on social media, make sure you go to every social media website and tell everyone.
I love birthdays! My boyfriend rented a special hotel room for us to fight in.
As a kid my mom laughed at me because I was always worrying about being shot with a crossbow while on the toilet. Well who’s laughing now?