Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I just slipped in the shower and my life flashed before my eyes but it was just a series of other times I almost fell.

*Creating bees*

God: Make them highly beneficial to the ecosystem.

Angel: Sure thing, boss.

God: Give ’em the greatest knees of all time

I’m not in my prime, I’m in my amazon prime. You’ll get what you want from me about 2 days after you ask for it.

Me: You haven’t fought with your sister in two whole days.

10yo: I know. We should send her to camp more often.

I have a spot on my glasses but nothing to clean the lens with so I’m learning not to see it. So…pretty much how I deal with all my problems.

the small neighbor human. is hanging outside with some ice cream. and it is melting. way faster than it is being eaten. the only real solution here. is for me to trot over and help

FRIEND: It’s called cauliflower. It’s not ghost broccoli.

ME: [taking a long drag on my cigarette] Listen kid, I know what I saw.

Given the American diet, don’t you think we’d have greater success locating missing children if we put their faces on liters of soda?

villagers: we need rain but no rain in months.

me: STEP ASIDE [get’s car washed]

[rain starts immediately]

[gets appointed as a head witch of the village]

Not to brag, but a news anchor started following me today. She recognizes a disaster when she sees one.

Cw: What are you having for lunch?
Me: Unwelcome company it seems.

[entering room bloody and beaten] yeah well you should see the other guy! not a scratch on him. pristine condition. altogether more pleasing to look at. huge muscles

I always take my fingers out of my ears & clap after each karaoke song performance.

Monster mom: Is it a GIRL?
Monster dad: Is it a BOY?

Midwife: It has 12 fingers and 4 toes. Just be grateful you created a monster!

I put my fake Christmas tree up in record time

then compulsively fluff it for a month.

My wife is mocking me because I declared that going to the grocery store was a date night

Me: *shares irrefutable and well known fact that no one has dared question in the history of the entire world*

5 year old: No it isn’t

My work day –
8:00-11:30 – wonder what I’ll eat for lunch today
11:30 – 12:00 – eat lunch
12:00 – 4:30 – Damn lunch was good.

Aren’t we all Mavis *sigh*

Teacher: how should we punish the students?

Principal: make them stay home

Teacher: that doesn’t seem like a punishment..

Principal (just 3 kids in a trench coat trying not to laugh): omg they’ll hate it

One two three whole cakes devoured, and suddenly nobody believes you’re on a diet

“I just read last year 4,153,237 people got married. I don’t want to start any trouble, but shouldn’t that be an even number?”

Normal things that become creepy when you look both ways before doing them:

Pick up a kid

Unlock a door

Load a rolled rug into your trunk

I’m watching two crows fight over a toothbrush. Crows don’t even have teeth, it’s just capitalism making them want things they don’t need

Saw (2004, Horror): An old man gives 2 people instructions on how to walk out of a bathroom. 102 minutes.

I’m not gonna wear uggs or crocs or any other shoe that sounds like a noise my body makes involuntarily.

Not sure why “you’ve made your bed, now lie in it” is supposed to be a bad thing. It sounds pleasant. I’ll even lie in a bed I didn’t make.

Autocorrect changed “velvet” into “violent” so now I’m teaching this cake kung fu.