Did you know if you send a fancy iPhone emoticon to a non-iPhone user, it just shows up as a middle finger?
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i love that bands still pretend to leave before their encore. like peekaboo for adults
[Awards ceremony]
“And winner of ‘The Most Unusual Name of the Year’ goes to… drum roll please…”Drumroll Please: “Thanks so much!”
person i just met reaches out for hand shake
me, realizing my hand is embarrassingly cold: thanks but i know enough people
I don’t think it is fair God plays for the Seahawks, seems like an unfair advantage.
Told my 11 and 8 next time I take their electronics away I’d also be responding to all texts they receive.They’ve been well behaved since.
I’ve known my drug dealer since I was this high.
11yo said he can’t wait to grow up so he won’t have to do chores anymore. I had forgotten how cathartic it is to laugh until you cry.
[school teacher job interview]
Can I ask you some questions?
I don’t know CAN you?
haha impressive [stands] welcome aboard!
What kind of a cult is this?
[Scientist describing evolution of the zebra]
“We believe they were crime horses that stayed in jail for like a really, really long time.”
[speed dating]
I enjoy gardening. I’ve got a bit of a green thumb. Actually several of my fingers are discolored. I think I have diabetes.
Men think us women dream of finding the perfect man when really, all we want is to eat anything without getting fat.
cop: can you step out of the car, sir?
me: [remaining in my seat] yes i CAN step out of the car ;D
cop:
me:
cop: um may you step out of the car, sir?
me: actually i might be on a teensy bit of opium so let’s revisit that first question
In my village the coming of age test is this: your mother abandons you in a grocery store. If you maintain your humanity and survive on groceries you will be a great leader. If you let yourself be raised as a grocery you will become the grocery shaman and do great grocery magic.
Me: “Don’t piss me off, I can rip a phone book in half.”
10yo: “A phone what?”
Anime henchmen two seconds after the protagonist resheaths his sword
no one’s wearing a mask anymore not even bank robbers
Whoever named the ring tone was phoning it in.
Why I divorced her.
God..how many exercise videos do you have to buy before you get some results
Canadians are not always nice, especially if your son pisses on their snowman.
[being dragged off the plane]
Wait! Those are my 30-50 service hogs!
I’m pretty anal when it comes to organizing my house.
Like how I slid in “anal”?
Like how I said “slid in anal”?
Hour 43 no smoking:
-No one is dead.
-Colors are more vivid.
-Country music makes sense.
-I’d suck a fart if it contained nicotine.
A guy just tried to mansplain me what a sawhorse is but I shut him down because I am well aware that it’s the past tense of seahorse! Ok, thanksbuhbye.
lawyer: if you can stay a night in this house, it is yours. but beware there’s a terrible cu-
millennial: holy shit home ownership? im in
ghost: *appearing* prepare to die
millennial: omg even better
this burrito is terrible how can you call yourself a barista
I should have peed before I left and other things I’ll never learn: A memoir
Daytime tornado warning: grab phone, radio, & flashlights, get to shelter immediately
Nighttime tornado warning: if I wake up in Oz, so be it
Once nice thing about working from home? I can be asleep in bed, realize I have a meeting in three minutes, and be dressed and in front of my computer two and a half minutes later. Still drunk, mind you, but dressed.