Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you wanna be my lover
– I’m listening
You gotta get with my friends
– ….I’m listening

[getting arrested after heist]

Boss: What happened? You were supposed to be on lookout

Me: *flashback to me sending invites on outlook* you’re not gonna believe this

Michaelangelo: Yea, sure, I’ll paint your ceiling.
*To himself*
Errybody gon be naked tho.

I found a few packages of paper towels at the grocery store today, so I looked around to see if I was being punk’d.

My two favorite things about Easter morning are (1) hiding the eggs and (2) the looks on my kids’ faces when the snakes start to hatch.

It’s comical when I lean back in my chair only to realize it’s a stool.

How long before your caterpillars will turn into butterflies?

Me looking at your eyebrows

My birthstone is a marshmallow

My daughter refuses to play with her Ouija Board anymore because every time we play, it spells out CLEAN YOUR ROOM.

my good friends know that i’m just 4 voicemails and 10 texts away. like whenever they need me. when I’m available.

ME: Ugh hate summer when bees are flying everywhere
BEE [angrily undoing seatbelt on plane] I’m gonna sting him
BEE WIFE:Just leave it David

[2025]

Me: *tapping out Morse code on wall shared with neighbor* Man, I miss 2020.

Bought myself an Xbox so when one of the kids asks me for something I can tell them I’ll do it after this level.

Why, woefully unprepared happens to be my middle name

Somebody asked me if I could go back in time if I would kill baby Hitler. Hold up. Hitler was a baby? This shit just keeps getting crazier

I told a guy on MySpace 16 years ago I would brb. I. Never. Brb’d.

i don’t have a lot of great life advice but one thing i can 100% tell you is don’t be the person sending angry drunk texts after midnight

Pandas 🐼🖤

Sometimes you drop things into that crack next to the driver’s seat and those things just belong to the vehicle’s next owner now

I like to throw a fake punch at a hooker’s crotch. If she flinches, I know it’s a dude.

my husband just committed the cardinal sin of asking my kid what she wants for Christmas so does anyone know where I can get a kids drum set at 6pm on Christmas Eve?

About two weeks ago @funTweeters used one of my tweets on their website. My mom still has that tweet on the refrigerator.

FOUR RULES FOR DATING MY TEENAGE DAUGHTER:
1) get her home by 11 p.m.
2) so we can chill
3) i have mario party
4) be my friend

I thought stacking Oreos and displaying them in a decorative jar was a great idea, but I’m just eating them instead.

Become ungovernable.

Gloria Gaynor: Go on now, go! Walk out the door! Just turn around now because you’re not welcome anymore

Hotel California manager: Gloria, a word

Me: Sometimes I eat even tho I’m not hungry

Doctor: You need to listen to your body

My Body: *mouth full of donuts* WE SHOULD GET MORE OF THESE LOL

Meeeee too!

They say kill ’em with kindness but it’s much quicker if you just take their phone charger away.