Did you know if you send a fancy iPhone emoticon to a non-iPhone user, it just shows up as a middle finger?
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*applies Chapstick throughout our entire 13 minute conversation*
*falls on hard times*
Hard times: Get off me.
If she steals your hoodie she likes you, if she steals your car she’s a thief
one time when i was a kid my parents let an iguana babysit us while they went to a pablo cruise concert
Why is it the only thing a woman wants out of a man these days is security?
Well it’s the first thing they say when I approach them.
Chunky peanut butter is just peanut butter that hasn’t quite reached its full potential. Be patient with it.
If you’re stuck at the top of a tree and afraid to get down, call me. I have no fear of heights so getting the chainsaw from my attic is not even an issue.
So who WERE Huey, Dewey and Louie’s parents, anyway? And why did they let them spend so much time with their insane, pantsless uncle?
A dating app for people who suck at flirting called Fumble
You have advice? For me? I have a $5 Starbucks gift card that’s older than you.
Every family has a crazy aunt.
Me: Our family doesn’t have one of those.
My sisters’ families:
Me:
My brothers’ families:
Me: Oh.
Who the hell does that in a sock?!?
*squishes out of the room*
Therapist: When you look in the mirror, what do you see?Me: I see myself you friggin idiot. Let me see your degree
ME (a man who was paid to write 3 reviews 20 years ago): Well, you know, speaking as a writer…
I waitress because if I don’t get screamed at twice a day about condiments, I don’t feel like I have put in an honest days work.
Cutting the mail slot in my door bigger to fit a pizza box.
If you actually call it junk drawer you’ll stop putting stuff in it and another drawer becomes official junk drawer
Cats’ have an underdeveloped pre-frontal cortex, meaning they lack almost any ability to plan ahead, which explains why they’re so bad at chess
*doesn’t eat, sleep enough, drinks too much alcohol* WHY DO I FEEL LIKE SHIT
Freezing bananas before they go bad is a great tip I learned 6 months ago. Now I have a freezer full of bananas
I want my funeral to have invitations with RSVP requests so my introvert friends can decline but still feel good about being invited.
SOON I WILL DESTROY ALL OF YOUR HEROES AND TAKE MY PLACE AS YOUR WORLD LEADER BUT FIRST WHAT IS YOUR MOM’S CASSEROLE RECIPE IT IS DELIGHTFUL
I wish they sold off-brand cars.
I’d get me a Joop
Imagine how expensive the iPhone would be if they called themselves Organic Apple.
When you’ve simply given up.
No thanks, heavy metal concert. If I want lots of screaming without understanding the words I’ll just hang out with my toddler.
Beastie Boys: So whatcha whatcha whatcha want?
2020: *deep breath*
[Spelling bee, to clench victory]
“O,P… (hesitates) A,W,E,S,O,M,E.”
Judges?
(Opossum judges whispering for a bit)
Correct.
Me: Ok, who got Oreo filling on the couch?
Husband:
4:
7:
Me: Well…
7: It really could have been any of us.
4: (licks couch)
Just watched a vid about the benefits of couples vacationing together and I’m wondering how I missed the train where couples vacationed separately.