Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

{Talking to my friend who just had twins}
HIM: It’s so much harder than just having one!
ME: Well sure, cuz you have to decide which will be the control and which will be the experimental.
HIM: What?
ME: What?

idk what he going thru but i feel him

Sometimes I overhear a conversation and want to tell one of them to run

[straw house]

Wolf: [big inhale]

[gun cock from inside]

Wolf: [soft exhale]

I bought a 12 year old whiskey. His parents are furious

i wonder if the inventor of rotisserie chicken is turning in his grave

EXPLORER 1: *looking at ancient symbols in pyramid* It says “Here lies updog”
EXPLORER 2: What’s updog?
EGYPTIAN SPIRITS: Lol

[The Gorge in the Pride lands]

Water buffalo 1: *tramples over Mufasa* Didn’t we go to that guy’s baby shower?

Water buffalo 2: *shrugs*

does anyone want to marry me before this website dies, feels like my best shot x

My kids love taking turns. For example, they take turns pushing down the garbage so neither one of them has to take it out.

The emotional roller-coaster of catching the bouquet, then remembering I’m at a funeral.

I’d roll around in garbage with you. Not the garbage from the bathroom though, that’s gross, but the good stuff that comes from the kitchen.

I’ve always loved Batman cause I also blame my entire personality on my parents.

is it rude to throw a breath mint in some ones mouth while they are talking?

Million dollar idea: A nightclub for middle aged people with lots of chairs.

You can’t take a purebred dog to the park the ducks will eat them

Goldfish crackers are the best snack for teaching kids it’s ok to eat your pets.

Ugh, I hate when my coworkers try to message me during my online shopping hours.

I hope to be a cat in my next life so that I can make someone’s life more fulfilling without actually having to do anything for them.

Me: Be good and I’ll give you a Fudgsicle

4-year-old: Give me a Fudgsicle or I’ll be bad

Positive reinforcement is no match for blackmail.

I heard fish is good for your brain but now I can’t get the smell out of my hair

ok what if you’re in the school pickup line and you see a woman eating from a charcuterie board in her car, would you judge me?
i mean her would you judge her

When I’m eating shared nachos I’m always thinking 3 nacho moves ahead of my opponent.

[crowd surfs up to the lead singer] can u skip the new album stuff

If Miley doesn’t get her shit together, all these Hannah Montana collectibles are never gonna get my kids through college

As there aren’t any female leprechauns, where do leprechauns come from

~ something to ponder every St Patrick’s Day

KFC hitting the cannibal market

Me to fly that won’t leave me alone:
there are gross things in the trash – why are you coming after me?

It’s so cute when Amazon’s like ‘are you buying this can of tuna as a gift’?

Gift wrap? Why not!

“Every action has an equal and opposite reaction.”

– Isaac Newton, observing me on a date