Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My optimism doesn’t come out of thin air. A flask is involved.

Never let them know your next move 😂

When my friends come over they know to ask “may I sit here” and then we look at my dog to see if it’s OK

Shot pool with my 15yo son.

Taught him a valuable lesson.

You can restart a video game 1000 times.

You can only lose your allowance once.

I’ve never got out of a straight jacket but I did once get out of my sleeping bag whilst drunk and I’ve got to assume it’s roughly the same skill set

Showerkraut

Waiter you misunderstand me. I didn’t say “I need a Mountain Dew: Code Red.” I was letting you know how badly I need a regular Mountain Dew.

I’m just a girl, standing in front of a boy, blocking the tv and getting him shot on Call of Duty.

Carries bucket and fishing rod and drills hole in the ice.
Voice: There is no fish here!
Me: Wow, is that God?
V: No, the arena director.

Fire at the cannabis dispensary. Witnesses described it as super chill.

I carry deodorant in my purse in case I need it or to casually wipe on strangers.

The Very Hungry Caterpillar taught me that I can binge eat carbs and then take a two week nap and I’ll become beautiful.

When people don’t text me back I write their obituary and send it to them.

[describing criminal to sketch artist] He had the damp chest of a man with an excessive lisp. He was eating a newspaper.

The negotiation skills of my 6yo about how many more bites she has to eat make me want her on my side the next time I make an offer to buy a house.

[joins a conga line]

me: I can leave any time I like

[someone joins behind]

me: oh no

Oh yeah, shit’s about to get real, I say, as I seductively unbutton my pants…..
to make room for this next bite of pie.

me during winter: will I ever love again

me the moment the sun comes out: I have fallen in love four times in the same stretch of road

Don’t buy a giant skeleton from home depot. Adopt one from your local cemetery

Me: Makes a Reddit post about my efforts to avoid arguing about politics with my parents over Thanksgiving.

Reddit users: Yeah, but you probably want to argue politics with strangers, right? Because I’m angry about the following things…

Nope, no thank you.

I hate babies when they are crying. I hate people who love babies & think babies are cute. I hate grown up babies who make more babies.

“Sandwich artist” is a bit pretentious sir when you’re actually a subcontractor.

My newest way to win marital arguments is to interrupt and say “as your legal counsel” and then state my point. It hasn’t worked yet and seems to make him madder but I think with the right amount of persistence I’ll crack the code.

My kid upon learning his actual name is Charles and not Charlie

Sirens: *luring me to my death*

Me: *finger guns*

Sirens: Eww. Nevermind.

For legacy verified accounts whose check hasn’t disappeared, for just $7 a month I will reply to every one of your posts and tell people you didn’t pay for twitter.

if i were a cab driver, i’d scream “ROAD TRIP” every time i got a passenger

I need to remind myself daily that I am pretty awesome and that I can do absolutely anything.

Except reach the top shelf, I can’t do that.

Does the 5 second rule apply when you accidentally say “I love you” during sex?

Some day, you too, will meet someone you want to spend the rest of your days without