Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Guy next to me at Mariners game didn’t stand for national anthem. Unpatriotic bastard. I should push his wheelchair down the stairs.

Excuse me, the movie Inception, you’re gonna tell me you had like 10 people jumping between levels of everyone’s subconscious and yet there were ZERO sex dreams? Uhhhh that’s a damn plothole my guy!!!!

If I pick up two cinder blocks and walk into the cold, cold Atlantic while we are talking please don’t take it personally

It’s always a good idea to make friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.

The principal (who is retiring next week) emailed us all to “remind” us that we aren’t supposed to show movies. There’s 7 days left. Who does she think she’s kidding

just once i’d like to lay in bed nude and drink a cup of tea without an art class trying to paint my portrait

me: *placing a fork in front of a turtle* you’re raphael now

I decided to become a dad when I noticed how many kids never finish their nuggets.

🐟✨ #re4

Each one of us has a secret. My secret is that I can’t keep a secret. Also Jill is a lesbian.

A woman at the grocery store, who upon seeing my daughter’s blue eyes asked where she got them from, looked at both me and my husband, and then actually said out loud “did the milk man visit your mom?” What the actual fuck lady.

im all 3

A horror story:

You are enjoying a quiet night with a glass of wine on the couch when, suddenly, the phone rings.

That’s it that’s the whole story.

*Writes a song for you*

*Sings it under your bedroom window*

*You call the cops*

*Your husband falls in love with me*

Hypothetically speaking if someone wanted to feed their enemies to a tiger where would I… I mean where would one acquire a vicious extra carnivorousy tiger?

When sewing, always remember pattern placement is key.

Jack just tried to run down the bus, but sadly the bus was faster.

I’ve been playing fast and loose with expiration dates ever since I watched a documentary about a British man who lives entirely off road kill.

Baristas, stop paintin’ pictures in my damn latte. I’m gonna drink that shit not frame it.

Give a man a six pack and he’ll drink for a day.
Give him a 24 pack and he’ll drink for a day.

Not only are used coffee grounds a great fertilizer, when shaped and baked they make excellent biscuits for that cunt of a dog next door.

After I spent my entire one on one with my boss talking about my love of serial killer documentaries, he suddenly stopped micromanaging me so much… weird.

Me:
Neck pillow
Knee pillow
Hug pillow
Head pillow
Ankle pillow
Back pillow
Thigh pillow
Foot pillow

Him:
Pillow

How can my wife’s hands not open a jar of pickles in the day, but become superhuman vice-grips at night when I want some covers?

So glad that Halloween isn’t on Friday the 13th this year because that would be so 2020 am I right?

Twitter is my serious account, the funny one is my bank account.

*tapping DJ on the shoulder* YOU NEVER SAID WHAT TO DO WITH OUR HANDS IF WE DO CARE

So you brush your teeth with hair on a stick and brush your hair with teeth on a stick. Humans, you’ve made it.