Did you know most Americans only get to spend 2-3 hours with a new video game after launch before returning to work?
Paid. Gamer. Leave.
Three simple words I will make law when gamers around the country rise up and take back control of this country (which we founded, btw).
I’m sorry, I refuse to call it Xmas, I’m going to keep calling it Twittermas like before.
8yo played some songs for me on the recorder, and I clapped enthusiastically when she was done, but then she glared at me because it was just the intermission and all I’m saying is thank god this venue has wine.
August 8
I’m only drinking a lot of beer tonight because I need the room in the fridge.
I think it’s blowing a gale, my friends there can’t see a thing 😀
What?
i have to be eating a burrito for the facial recognition to work
Dating in your thirties is exhausting because you have to make small talk AND find the inner strength to stay up past 9
[About to invent coffee]
Guy: I’m gonna squeeze that bean so hard
Friend: You okay Greg?
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but alcohol makes ugly people pretty.
The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.
Wednesday
[reading test results]
“It looks like you’re gonna be just fine”
[nurse whispers in ear]
“Lol my bad u got like 6 weeks”-Steve Harvey M.D.
2nd month dating: A thousand lifetimes with you would not be enough.
2nd month of marriage: OMG you are the loudest cereal chewer on earth!
Snakes have both zero chill and tons of chill because I start freaking out when a piece of food takes a second to go down my esophagus and they feel that every time they eat and it’s not an almond it’s a mouse, oh snakes I wish you such peace
THIS IS THE POLICE.
COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.“Wrong house guys.”
ARE YOU SURE ABOUT THAT?
“Yup, happens a lot.”
OKAY COOL, SORRY.
ME [suspicious my therapist’s a ghost] I keep having a dream about a wall
THERAPIST: Maybe u could walk me through it
ME [quietly] Holy shit
I like men with glasses because once they come off everything is a little blurry and I’m very okay with that
Interviewer: So, why do you want to work here?
Me: Well, I don’t really want to “work” here, per se…I just really need the paychecks.
I hate when someone is on the machine right next to me at the gym and I feel pressured to share these cheese fries.
I really want an emotional support octopus so I can train it to slap people and shoplift.
If approached by a bear, you can play dead, or you can acknowledge the bear, say hello, and see what it needs. Have some decency
Every Coronavirus post on Facebook should just start with, “First off, I have no idea what i’m talking about.”
Why isn’t there an egg flavored Gatorade you cowards?
[at a funeral home]
ME: One death please
[on a date]
me: what’s your favorite book series about a big red dog?
her: uhh Clifford, i guess
me: wow we have a lot in common
caterpillar: *walks*
snake: okay what
caterpillar: *grows wings*
snake: OKAY WHAT
[1st date]
HER: So do you have any hobbies?
SALT SHAKER: Nice dress! It would look great on my floor
HER: What?!
HIM: Just ventriloquism
her: do carrots help your eyesight
me: *flicks cigarette butt* u ever seen a bunny with glasses Karen
