Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME: *watching a meteor shower

METEOR: Can you get out of my bathroom.

I have the eyebrows of a much more unstable woman

Wife told me she’d been “really getting into animal security camera videos” recently and I had her show me one to see what she meant. You’ll need sound:

[10 PM]
If I go to bed now, I’ll get a full 8 hours of sleep

[3AM]
Siri what is a grape nut

Flipped over my therapist’s writing pad and it was just a New York Times crossword with “shut up” written in every blank.

“seasonal depression” makes it sound like i brought it home from the farmers’ market

Normalize asking jobs for references right back. Like I’m gonna need to talk to three current employees, please.

ADULT: I’ll have a $2 juice.
BARTENDER: For $13 more we’ll add 1.5 ounces of something that makes it taste bad.
A: Oo, yes I’ll take that.

ME: We left the kids at their grandparents

FRIEND: Date night?

ME: No we just don’t like them anymore

My daughter said she wanted a pet fish so I gave her a can of tuna. The fact she took it, painted it and made an aquarium for it, proves that quarantine life is getting to all of us.

may your fathers prosper. may your friends be uglier than you. may your exes get food poisoning

Pirates that used X to mark the spot were stupid. If they had used a G, nobody would ever have found their treasure.

“Latte” is Latin for: You paid too much for that coffee.

after watching what feels like 73 Fast and Furious movies… no one fills up with petrol, do those cars run on hopes and dreams

You know something I’ve discovered?

This Twitter. It’s not about a high follower count, or a supposed ‘cool ratio’ or viral tweets.

It’s about the people you connect with.

Once you realise this, you’ll enjoy your experience here so very much more.

❤️🧡💛💚💙💜❤️🧡💛💚💙💜

@IGotsSmarts @funTweeters & wouldn’t it be crude to Jude if someone laid Law?

Him: You’re a DJ? I’m not one for dancing. I’ve got this leg, you see? I’ve had it since the war.

Me: How long have you had the other one?

Our family motto is “Who took my phone charger?”

Overheard at the mall: “It’s 70% off plus another 30% off… that’s 100% off!”

Good morning, here are some ABBA songs that could also be about Mario:

• Mamma Mia
• Money, Money, Money
• Super Trooper
• Name of the Game
• I’ve Been Waiting For You
• The Winner Takes It All

Please let me know if there are any more.

You could murder someone in California and they wouldn’t even arrest you as long as you properly composted the body.

My mom just called to say not to let any of my twitter people know she got a traffic ticket. So anyways my mom has never gotten a traffic ticket, thanks.

A man is not really successful until he has a beer fridge in the garage. Sorry, I don’t make the rules.

My kid went from saying “please” to “do it” and I really enjoyed my time with her but I think we’re over now.

Finding Nemo 3:

Nemo’s mom isn’t dead.

Nemo’s dad kidnapped Nemo to avoid a custody dispute.

Nemo’s mom finds them.

It’s a revenge tale.

In a physio waiting room amongst athletes comparing their stories.

I can’t wait until my turn when I tell them I slept wrong on my pillow.

Why are Airbnb reviews always like, “Our host Emily was truly spectacular and thought of everything” and never “house gives off very haunted vibes and I’m deeply afraid of what’s behind the locked doors”

Me: This is a picture of my aunt Marge… Rest in peace.
Friend: I’m so sorry for your loss.
Me: Oh, she’s not dead, she’s just really lazy.