Did you know most countries make you keep your shirt on during all you can eat ribs night?
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Beyonce is a great actress because there is no way she has the time or energy to have the kind of sex she sings about.
i’m actually the nightmare before christmas, don’t talk to me until i’ve had my milk and cookies 😂🤣
Nothing better than corn-flavored…corn.
Yeah… My camera adds 30 pounds. But Photoshop takes it back off.
I’ve achieved absentee parent status by leaving my dog alone for 27 minutes
Me: What happened to all the bourbon?
Her: Oh, I put it in the chicken.
Me: Then pour me a glass of chicken.
Left my fiancé at the altar. The relationship is over, but the human sacrifice went perfectly
*puts 7 pairs of yoga pants on counter*
Cashier: planning on getting in shape I see
Me: god no, these are the only pants that fit me now
director: ok, hit the lights
me: *slaps a lamp*
director: no i meant kill the lights
me: *pulls out a gun*
We need more names like Benedict Cumberbatch:
Omelet Easydozen
Florentine Pepperbatter
*watching John Wick*
Ugh, 222 stairs would be difficult enough without fifty guys trying to kill me
Women are like iPhones, you have to touch them all over before they respond. Men are like BBs, rub one ball & everything moves.
Gas stations be like:
Here’s some complimentary filthy water and a filthy sponge/squeegee so you can “wash” your windshield. You are very welcome.
Wrapping presents takes a LOT longer when your kid sneaks up behind you & cuts off your arm with an empty wrapping paper tube lightsaber.
I was wondering how lightning worked, then it struck me.
a talented computer hacker can bring down any man, no matter how rich or powerful, by smashing him over the head with a brick
Watch out for women who talk a lot of shit about other women. In the scientific world, we refer to them as “Cuntus Maximus.”
Words I thought I would never have to yell from the kitchen into the living room: “DON’T GIVE THE CAT SCOTCH!”
do my glasses go over or under a balaclava i want to rob this bank just right.
Me: *buying 50lb bag of chicken food*
Cashier: Do you have chickens?
Realtor: And I can assure you the house has been child-proofed
*my kid walks in*
Me: I see you’re a liar
I wish I’d worked to learn another language. Only so I’d be more believable when I use language barriers as an excuse to not talk to people
Pretty upsetting that this long into the pandemic and some people are still refusing to take their work home with them… Like my children’s nanny
Justin Timberlake postponing his Buffalo show Sat. & then going on Fallon is like that time I called in sick & tweeted a selfie on a boat.
*distant Yogizilla noises getting louder*
I say when we bury people we tie their shoes together. If there is a zombie apocalypse, at least it will be goddamn hilarious…
wife: you said you were going to organize the garage during the pandemic
me: I said NEXT pandemic
I left my phone at home and had no idea what to do with my hands while I drove
Me: *rips pants bending over*
Toddler: Daddy! You’re so strong! You ripped your clothes like Hulk!
Me: Uh. Yep. That’s me. Same thing. Just like the Hulk. Indistinguishable.
Toddler: *proudly tells everyone I’m like the Hulk because I rip my pants all the time*
Me: *dies*
Me: Alexa, when will computers become self-aware?
Alexa: When will YOU become self-aware?
M: *gazing out a window, crying* good one, Alexa