Did you know most countries make you keep your shirt on during all you can eat ribs night?
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I think the bigger issue with our country is that Paula Deen even had that many endorsements to lose in the 1st place.
My teen son told me that he plans on talking like Chewbacca if a teacher calls on him today, so I guess I better start practicing my Wookiee for that parent teacher phone call later today.
[to a mushroom] ok, pretty cute. but let’s see you without the hat
[pronounces modeling like yodeling]
[Getting lucky on the first date]
Me: Hey, there’s an onion ring in my fries!
Engelbert Humperdinck actually chose that name, he was not born with it.
I think about this a lot.
Apparently my son “looks like daddy” when he’s wearing half of his food
15 wants to change my oil as a Mother’s Day gift, it’s really sweet but I can’t afford a new car right now.
My daughter likes to give me her failed artwork, claiming it was made with all her love just for me. Then she grabs a new piece of paper to make her drawing better and keeps that for herself. Well played, little one. Well played.
When someone has a baby, I’m just like, OK, clearly you were desperate to have someone to hang out with
When a person says a book is so good they can’t put it down, but yet, are not holding that book.
This is why I have trust issues.
When I got my epidural during childbirth I didn’t realize it was gonna wear off before the toddler years
Inventor of sleeve tattoos: What if shirts hurt?
unbelievably distressed by this ad
First rule of robbing banks is you have to shout, “THIS IS A ROBBERY!” Otherwise they might think it’s a baptism.
I’m at my most Ninja Turtle when I remove a manhole cover & jump into the sewers to avoid making eye contact with someone I know in public.
Your perfume/cologne should reward someone for getting close, not punish them for being in the same building.
before meds: i hate everything
after meds: *with enthusiasm* i hate everything
Most people call Fall soup weather or sweater weather, but I prefer to call it electric bill goes down weather.
LIAM NEESON: I will look for you, I will find you, and I will ki-
*my phone battery dies*
ME: omg
WIFE: omg
ME: Liam Neeson’s gonna kiss me
Becoming my own secret santa by forgetting the purchases i made in the middle of the night half asleep.
Crap. I accidentally pulled up Instagram instead of Instacart. Now it’s 2 hours later and I have no groceries for Sunday prep but I know where Rihanna bought her hoop earrings and I have 20 cute pumpkin pics saved.
4 can’t go to sleep tonight because she’s “too short to sleep” and I honestly don’t even know how to address this new level of sleep delay mastery.
50 Shades of Letting People on the Train Know You’re Not Getting Laid
Had day surgery – came out with about fifteen less followers than when I went in with.
So apparently I’m offensive even when unconscious.
Parenting is wanting to know why the mouthwash is in the freezer but being too tired to ask.
Why did the terrorist buy himself a new Porsche?
He was going through a midlife ISIS!!
My toddler is so unbelievably pumped for her birthday, she talks about it multiple times a day. Unfortunately, it’s still six months away. Please send help.
[first day as a chef]
assistant: why is your hat squeaking
Hey big accounts –
What’s it like to tweet “My cat sneezed”
and get 500 RT in the first minute ?My cat would be dead before I got 50