Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Size matters

– me, when alcohol is being poured

I keep my wine glasses on the top shelf to make sure I stretch daily.

Me: (plops myself next to 9 on his bed)

9: Wow. You’re heavy. You made a mini earthquake

Me: (pushes 9 off the bed)

9: What the heck was that?!

Me: Aftershock

[sees kid crying in the mall]
“What’s wrong?”
“I’m lost.”
“You’re in the mall you little idiot.”

Love a good morning stretch that turns into an involuntary pterodactyl screech

Protip: if your date is going to throw a drink at your face, at least open your mouth, because hey, free drink.

And we’re off! To an unreasonable start

“I can’t do any of this? This is some bullshit.”

I could never be a critic of any description because even if I hate a film or book I have the overwhelming urge to try and be nice about it, e.g: “The plot was incomprehensible and the characters loathsome, but I’m sure everyone involved worked very hard so well done. 5/5.”

Havent picked sides in Gamer gate yet.. which do I like more.. the entire female gender or the thing where I pretend to kill people on Tv..

Thor is definitely one of my top 5 favorite movies about hammers.

I’m a feminist until it’s time to choose workout music.

ME: (first day as a detective) It looks like he accidentally shot himself in the head while trying to eat his own gun. What a shame.
MY PARTNER: Have u considered suicide?
ME: Jesus Christ man, I just get sad sometimes. I dont want to die.

I’m not usually a fan of non-fiction, but this Cheesecake Factory menu is a real page turner.

*gets b̶e̶t̶t̶e̶r̶ bitter with age*

blood cell 1: want to tie the clot?

blood cell 2: of course baby

blood cell 3: coagulations guys!

(Me on trampoline outside your bedroom window)
Why

Did

You

Unfollow

Me?

(At the dentist)

‘Your grinding isn’t good.’

Excuse me! I’ve never had a man complain before.

I never wanted to hug someone as badly as the little old man who just ordered a “small coffee flavored coffee” in Starbucks.

After weeks of progress, I suddenly stopped losing weight. I hit a wall.

*puts ice pack on hand* OK, so I was a little upset.

ladies, I know we are all lonely in quarantine, but you need to quit calling me like “this is your student loan provider just letting you know that a SWAT team is on their way”

I get it. True beauty comes from within. But until true beauty can wear lingerie and give a mean lap dance, I may have a few shallow moments

Okay I try very hard to be respectful of the gentle parenting camp but I laughed out loud at this.

Following a series of poor personal decisions I now owe the ferret mafia six grand and my only way out is to be the driver for a meat heist planned by a squirrel dragged back in for one last job, assisted by a weasel nobody trusts. Not even the stoat bagman.

You have to sit up to drink coffee in bed. I know that now.

In Medieval times, people used antimony as a 𝘳𝘦𝘶𝘴𝘢𝘣𝘭𝘦 laxative.

Today, we can eat a different hotdog every day.

Her: Be a dear and hand me that cup.

Me: *jumps in front of a car*

Her: Dear, not deer.

My soul floating away: Craaaaap.

If you tell your girlfriend you think the girl at in the corner shop fancies you,
you’ll never have to pop out to get bread and milk again

hey (with the intention of stealing your hoodie, your heart, and your fries)

[bird watching] when’s the yellow one gonna teach me the alphabet