Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Heavens to Betsy
Betsy to Heavens
Heavens BACK to Betsy
Betsy-GOOOOOAAAALLLLLLLL

Me: *winks*

Him: *googles signs of a stroke*

That’s not fat. It’s bonus content.

realized that the anxieties I have about getting my first tatt are the exact same ones I have about having kids one day, like “can I commit to this forever” and “will it still be cute in 10 years”

I love the compliments my boss gives like “wow you’re on time today” and “great job ignoring dress code again”.

Magician: Is this your card?!

Me: Yes! *turns to children and whispers* Go out to my truck and get my shotgun and rock salt. Daddy found himself a demon.

There’s no way that Cinderella was treated like shit her entire life, then a prince tells her he loves her & she wasn’t like “yeah right.”

Should I fix the hail damage on my car? I mean, not everyone can say their car resembles a golf ball.

Check for bed bugs by yelling “Gee, I’m so happy there are no bed bugs here!”, and if you hear faint giggling, set the bed on fire.

I should probably wait a few days to drive my new F35 to work, huh

Wait, so when couples are in custody battles it’s to KEEP the kids? #WTF

hello I’m britain’s greatest spy and my catchphrase is I tell you my real surname then my real forename then my real surname again in case you missed it

Me: This whole lockdown is making it very hard to find my soulmate.

Husband: I’m sitting right here.

History may repeat itself but a toddler does it better.

ME: I need you to look at my balls, doc *removes pants*
DR: Ok what seems to be the problem?
ME: *swivels hips sensually* Nuthin

Stupid people who suddenly make a smart decision have no idea how confusing that is for the rest of us.

I get more excited seeing my luggage on a baggage carousel than I do seeing a person I know.

I’m not saying I’m a magician, but I can make all of your clothes disappear fast

Everyone loves a picture of a good rack.

It’s the ORDER of mankind’s accomplishments that fascinate me. In 1969, we put men on the moon. In 1970, we put wheels on luggage.

You think it’s easy being a tall woman with a wide body this time of year? Do you know how many familys try to kidnap me and use me as a Christmas tree????!!!!

Wife: I just wanted our honeymoon to be special.
Me holding 2 Nintendo64 controllers: Me too, but you need to hurry and pick a character.

*pauses Airwolf on the VCR*
*sets wine cooler down on the coffee table*
*turns to her*

ME: what do you mean this isn’t working out?

That walk of shame when you fail at throwing a ball of paper into the garbage.

[Pulls away from kissing]

So you do want me to interview for the cat juggling job?

With literally no way of knowing if you were cursed by an evil witch as a baby, why would you take a spinning class?

1970s: “Hey baby”
1990s: “Hey babe”
2014: “Hey bae”
2020: “Hey b”
2030: “All hail our glorious squirrel overlords”

I wonder how many different vegetables they exploded before they discovered popcorn.

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Went braless for a quick trip to the store…ran into 3 exes, 5 celebrities, my mother-in-law, her church group, a live reporting TV news crew, and Jesus.