Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: SHARK

lifeguard: omg where

me: lol sorry, that’s my dog’s name

*dog appears and drags lifeguard into the ocean*

me: it’s- *over screams* IT’S BECAUSE HE EATS PEOPLE

Everyone is so pissed off about the birds that they neglect to notice those eight maids a-milking also came with eight cows a-shitting.

Troubleshooting steps when your car won’t start in the morning:

1. Call in sick
2. Go back to bed

WIFE: Do you have a hot glue gun?

ME: No but I have a sexy stapler

SON: Dad, can you call me an uber?

ME: You’re an uber!

SON: No, with your phone

ME: Oh, sorry [types]

SON: [gets text] “You’re an uber!”

Me at 14: *reads three Harry Potter books in one day*

Me at 27: *sees a text that’s longer than 2 sentences* holy shit, I just do not have the time for this

Anyone know any Sausage Biscuits looking for a job?

MY TOP 3 PROBLEMS WITH DUCKS

1. Vulnerable to attack by foxes b/c they’re too lazy to learn karate
2. Out of millions of ducks, only one (Scrooge McDuck) has conquered the business world. PATHETIC SUCCESS RATE
3. Too many handouts. GET A JOB AND BUY YOUR OWN BREAD YOU LAZY DUCKS

My 4-year-old poked my gut and remarked, “Daddy, there’s a baby in there…?”

That was last night and I still haven’t recovered

me: this could have been an email

cop: step out of the car sir

WHY *smack* DON’T *smack* YOU *smack* JUST *smack* USE *smack* THE *smack* RETWEET *smack* BUTTON?

Church Pugh’s

WIFE: *reading headline* Bird flu in China

ME: *not looking up from my phone* Birds fly in every country, Sharon.

People are having sex, kissing, and cuddling right now and you are reading this….. trust me I’m not happy about this either🙄🙄🙄

Me: Can I buy you a drink?
Girl: I don’t drink.
Me: Then can I just give you $7.50 to talk with me for a few minutes?

Oh that’s cute you think the worst sound is “nails on a chalkboard”… Here, borrow my kids for an hour.

If you ever see me on my death bed, please take me off my death bed & move me to my alive bed thx

Me: I used to use baby oil so I’d fry faster in the sun, then of course the eventual peel and tan that followed

Satan: I honestly don’t know where you belong. You’re very insane.

I practice law under my previous husband’s last name bc I built my firm around that name.

Today the Judge called me by my current husband’s last name.

Client: What the hell? He doesn’t even know your name!
Me: That is my last name.
C: WHAT THE HELL I don’t even know your name!

4: When will I stop growing?

Me: When you’re a grownup, like me.

4: But you still grow.

Me: No I don’t.

4: You grew too big for those pants you really like.

Me:

me: oh boy I stained your shirt don’t kill me

murderer: haha yeah that would be an overreaction

[Shopping]
Him: Those cans aren’t dented, right? I don’t want botulism.
Me: Don’t worry. The arsenic I put in your food will balance it out.

I had a dream I went to Hell and Satan forced me to sing karaoke with him.
That’s right, the Devil made me duet.

Meteorologist: According to our facts, we’ll have a longer winter-

People: LET THE GROUNDHOG DECIDE

Meterologist: But science

People: NO

Why is “you’re a peach” a compliment but “you’re bananas” is an insult? Why do we allow such fruit discrimination?

Sometimes life makes sense, and other times it’s a ball of yarn rolling down the stairs and out the back door.

Caffeine is bad for you, fat is bad for you, sugar is bad for you. But don’t worry, because worrying is bad for you too.

[interrogation]

ME: I’ll only answer questions if that officer over there starts kissing my face

COP: Again, the police dog isn’t an officer

My confession was so sinful the priest had to call for back up

The 10 Most Defining Viral Twitter Posts of All Time

1.