Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: I wonder why I don’t have any friends and can’t seem to find anyone to date.

Also me:

Me every time my old dentists office calls me to schedule an appointment not knowing I changed to a new dentist

😭😭😭

Wife – “I can’t do this anymore. It’s either me or ur dinosaur themed hip-hop group”
Me – “well then I’m afraid I choose the VelociRapStars”

ESPN was showing the 1997 spelling bee smh, like a spelling bee is even a sprot.

I’ve discovered I can turn invisible, but it’s involuntary and only works on bartenders.

“What’s that?”

“It’s a therapy cat.”

“It looks like a chihuahua.”

“That’s why the therapy.”

“We need to kill the terrorist NOW”
But how..
“The human body is 70% water”
Jesus, you know what to do
*terrorist dies of alcohol poisoning*

if you drive a shitbox you know the code.. don’t talk smack about the shitbox or the shitbox will remind you quick who’s in charge of the situation

Me: Ugh I’ve gained so much weight

Him: It’s ok, babe

Me: [my eyes turn black as the sky darkens; a swarm of locusts encircle us; a priest faints and a demonic voice exits my mouth uttering a simple sound] Oh?

its a good thing we swallow 8 spiders a year bc if it werent for those spiders, we’d be swalowing hundreds of flies and smaller insects

At the bank and the teller asked the guy in front of me “how are you doing” and he took a deep breath and said “not great my cat f****ng hates me”

So it’s my turn and I go “that was the weirdest thing I’ve heard waiting in line here” and the teller says “I’ve met his cat. She does hate him.”
What is happening?

What happens if you fight a dinosaur?

You get Jurasskicked!

I WISH MY PETS WOULD STOP ACCIDENTALLY INJURING ME WITH THEIR KNIFE HANDS

That depressing moment when you thought a hot chick was checking you out in the beer aisle but only to find out she was just a cardboard cutout.

Professor: most of you won’t pass this course

Me: cool so you’re like, Real shitty at your job

Brat summer is out, attic wife autumn is in. We’re hissing at people. We’re withdrawing from society. We’re growing our hair below our waist. We’re setting fire to his curtains. We’re gaslighting his new side piece.

I knocked over a plant in the kitchen but my cat saw me so I had to spray myself with water so I could show the law applies to everyone

[repeating myself louder in the haunted house attraction] did the dracula throw water on anyone else’s pants??

If I plant a McRib can I grow a McWoman?

*i before e except after c.
Unless you’re an 8yo heir planning a heist to seize a surveillance sleigh owned by a sheik at a reindeer farm.

There is nothing quite as genuine as hearing from a friend you haven’t seen in forever and finding out she sells Avon now.

I could murder a cheese sandwich. I’m not hungry. I just think I’d be capable of that.

shaggy: look out, it’s a g-g-g-ghost!

fred: there’s no such thing as ghosts

scrappy doo who is a literal talking dog: yea shaggy u stupid human idiot

5: when you laugh your head off does it grow back?

[raises eyebrow]
[watches eyebrow graduate]
[cries at eyebrow’s wedding]

Don’t ask God to cure cancer & world poverty. He’s too busy finding you a parking space & fixing the weather for your barbecue.

Shrek is a nye movie because the years start coming and they simply do not stop coming

So, if I take out a reverse mortgage on my house does that mean I’ll own a bank after 30 years?

Not really getting much out of this Bring Your Daughter to Work Day, to be honest. It’s almost as if my 6yo had never used PowerPoint before