Did you know statistically you’re more likely to be killed by a coconut falling from a tree than by a coconut stabbing you with a breadknife
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I just really think bacon should be called “fry”con
My boss: did…you make this powerpoint on company time
If I hug you for more than 3 seconds, I’m probably picking your pockets.
ME: I think human cloning is a big mistake
ALSO ME: ok wow, I’m right here
Scientist discovers largest prime number to date, when it was provided to him by a Spectrum customer service rep as a “confirmation number.”
Brb taking my potted plant for a walk
“And that is tha sunshine, and this is another plant, you guys can’t be friends he lives outside”
Come on Canada, first Celine, then Nickelback, NOW Bieber!? Are you TRYING to provoke a war?
Turns out if you don’t click “turn in” when you’re done with your assignment on google classroom, you won’t get credit for doing it.
– my 11yo, genuinely shocked at this discovery
There should be a morning after pill for Supreme Court decisions.
Cop: Ma’am, Are you intoxicated?
Me: Are YOU intoxicated!
Cop: No
Me: Prove it!
Cop: *puts handcuffs on me*
Me: I like where this is going.
ME: My cat isn’t overweight; she’s just big-boned
VET: This is a dog
Running your mouth is not cardio.
*me almost finished with a chore*
Husband: Here, let me do that.
the divorce rate among my socks is astonishing
Cell phones ruined the fun of pushing a fully clothed person into a pool.
The lengths my ex will go to in order to make me jealous are astounding. Like getting married and having a kid. IT’S NOT WORKING, JANET
I don’t care what color or creed you are. Or what your religion is. Do not eat my work sandwich.
I picked up some socks off the floor and my 4yo said, “I was just going to do that.” Now I’m waiting for him to start asking why there are so many lights on in this house
a proper response to girl calling “amy?” in ladies bathroom wouldve been silence. but instead i yelled YOU WON’T FIND YOUR PRECIOUS AMY HERE
If anyone were to look at my bathroom they’d be positive some kind of a struggle took place.
But nope, it was just me getting ready.
once I asked my parents if they had any ghost stories, and my mom was like “well, we used to live in a farmhouse with a faucet that always leaked.” and then my dad said “one time I saw the devil”
I always carry a condom.
I never know when things are going to get hot & heavy & I’ll have to throw a sturdy water balloon at someone.
REALITY SHOW HOST: …and one of you will be going home
ME: how many points do I need for that
Today is my favorite holiday of all. Happy I swear this top fit two weeks ago! to all who celebrate
if i had to do it all over again i would definitely take more evening walks by the pantry
Our elf hasn’t moved in 4 nights. Daughter asked if he was in a coma
i don’t think the t-rex’s arms were that small i just think a frustrated paleontologist grabbed two bones and lied
Why do infants wake up crying as if they are the ones who have to go out and work!?
I did my three minute river dance routine outside his bedroom window and my hot neighbor still doesn’t want to date me
This is bullshit