Did you know statistically you’re more likely to be killed by a coconut falling from a tree than by a coconut stabbing you with a breadknife
You Might Also Like
Until public restrooms have automatic doors, the automatic sinks, soap and paper towel dispenser will make no sense to me.
I’m jealous that when an athlete gets injured it makes headlines. I need that kind of attention. “We at ESPN are reporting that Ron stubbed his toe on a table and when he went to look at it he hit his head on the table”
what if all high-voltage signs on doors are just a trick and there’s actually an extra woman’s bathroom inside…
Just deep cleaned the whole house, so disaster should ensue in 3…2…
“MOM! CAN I MAKE A SMOOTHIE?”
I learned my first lesson at ninja school today: Do not wear corduroy pants.
It’s ok, gas station bathroom motion sensor lights, I forgot I was here too.
Chihuahua is my favorite pet that is also the sound I make during a bikini wax.
me: thanks for the feedback. Really valuable!!!
coworker: no problem!
[coworker gets text at 3am] who teh fucgk do u thgink u r
An episode of Unsolved mysteries, but it’s just parenting a teenaged boy and trying to figure out why you’re out of moisturizer again.
My kid: mumma today we met our teacher’s teacher. Our grand-teacher.
Cosmetic surgery is a great way to spend your life savings and end up looking like a surprised owl.
It’s the last month of school, here are 97 activities in the middle of the day parents need to attend.
-elementary schools
When people ask me why I’m in a wheelchair by saying “What do you have?” I want to say something ridiculous like “I got a pocket, got a pocketful of sunshine.”
If you wrap yourself up in a blanket, you can show up to work late and say you were just rescued by the Coast Guard.
Therapist: why can’t you introduce your two groups of friends to each other?
Me: [told one group my name was the space cowboy and the other it was the gangster of love] I just can’t ok
I can’t believe this Avengers movie will be the last one before the next one comes out.
[first day in gang]
LEADER: ya gotta be street-smart
ME: oh i am
LEADER: prove it
ME: *names every street in city*
LEADER: holy shit
My husband keeps nagging me to get my oil changed, which is ridiculous because I swear I just did that three thousand months ago.
My husband sending mixed signals like, insisting we reduce our online shopping, but also buying and installing a bigger mailbox that “Holds a lot more.”
When I hear my kids try to insult each other with “yo momma” jokes, I end up yelling how I’m not fat or stupid.
me: well, one time i was in a team drinking race with some friends. we fell behind, so I started chugging double pours and we ended up winning a hard fought battle.
Interviewer: um ok, and weaknesses?
Walking by the lingerie section
Youngest: Why do they make the underwear so fancy? No one is ever going to see it anyway.
Me: Uh huh.
No benevolent god would make bears look like that and then tell us we can’t give them belly rubs
Credit card company called to ask about some charges on my statement.
It wasn’t a fraud check. They were just questioning my life choices.
I am laughing way too hard at this.
[sinking boat]
CAPTAIN: ABANDON SHIP!
ME: *trying to climb back on board* there’s a band on ship?!
When people ask if I’m being serious or if I’m joking, my answer is always yes.
HIM: I wanna be more than friends.
ME: You wanna be BEST friends?
Seize the day! by its legs and lock it in chains. Hold a mock trial, find the day guilty. Behead the day. Bury the day in a nameless grave.
Me: what’s this fee?
Bank: your savings balance is zero. minimum balance is $50.
Me: ok
Bank: we charge a fee if it drops below that
Me: do you know how money works?