Did you know statistically you’re more likely to be killed by a coconut falling from a tree than by a coconut stabbing you with a breadknife
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[lost at sea]
FRIEND: There’s a ship! Get the flair
ME: [puts on oversized jewellery]
So true for me
The letter R is just the letter P showing off some leg.
Parenting is much harder nowadays. For example, you have to be able to push a kid on a swing and tweet at the same time.
Love bombing?
I’ve never even been love water ballooned
How do you tell someone that they’re not smart enough to manipulate you, without hurting their feelings?
Being a little bit crazy is like being a little bit pregnant – you can only hide it for so long.
Married men aren’t allowed to go the grocery store alone because we’re the kid in the shopping cart, but with money
[company meeting]
Manager: $5000 in office supplies have gone missing. We are making some changes.
Me: [in paper clip chainmail, sweating]
If I ever trip slightly while walking, I make sure to look back and down at the ground so that the people around me know that I’m normally great at walking, but in this particular instance there was something wrong with the ground.
Let’s play the Rihanna drinking game! We’ll drink a shot of vodka every time she says ‘work’.
[2 minutes later]
*house is on fire*
PAROLE BOARD: And what would you do if released?
ME: Crimes.
PB: Excuse me?
ME: *leans into mic* RHYMES. I’M SUPER INTO POETRY NOW.
pilot: we’re approaching 30,000 feet
me, looking out window nervously: what are they doing up here
It’s almost as if my husband actually believes I’m saving us money when I say “I got it on sale.”
Wore a push up bra to work today and now I can’t see my keyboard.
My brain doesn’t sea typos until I’ve already hit send.
5: a hedgehog is just a mouse with rock ‘n roll hair
Me: *snuggles under electric blanket*
Husband, from the other room: Are you cooking? I smell butter or grease or something
And that’s how I know I’ve eaten too much
People are so trusting on mushroom forums. They ask for help identifying wild shrooms they found, and give you just one blurry picture taken from fifty yards away.
“Is this safe to eat? 🍄”
I’ve seen clearer pictures of Bigfoot, but yeah, go for it. It’s probably fine.
Me: Ok I exercised, can I have some of those endorphins please?
My Brain: You just tied your shoes dude
I don’t have a go-bag, but if I did, it would contain absolutely everything I could possibly need and I would leave it at home.
I just reached in my purse for a pen and found a full 4 pack chicken nugget box from McDonalds.
So I get it, squirrels. I get it.
I brought my Beats headphones to work, and instead of being left alone, I’ve had 7 rap battles and am in the finals against A$AP Carol.
You know what celebrity they should get for Dancing With the Stars? That plastic bag from American Beauty.
If we are in a “do not laugh” situation, do not look over at me
I trick people that I know Spanish by quoting fragments of Spanish songs I know, la bamba.
My dog thinks I’m the most amazing person on the planet but I don’t let it go to my head since I’m pretty sure the cat has me figured out
