Did you know statistically you’re more likely to be killed by a coconut falling from a tree than by a coconut stabbing you with a breadknife
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the biggest red flag in a relationship to me is when a partner tries to open the mysterious locked closet in my study with the doorknob that’s always somehow freezing cold after i’ve explicitly forbidden them from doing so! that or they like a movie that i don’t like
I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “I don’t know, let’s take her to the vet and see if she has a microchip.”
[during fight]
him: I’ll cancel our dinner plans.
me: What? Why?? I still like food, it’s you I don’t like.
My 9yo just asked me: if I fail a test was it me who did bad or the teacher? 🤯
Dracula had it right, sleep all day, live alone in a castle & explode into a thousand bats to get out of social situations.
Me when people tell me secrets I already knew
Hand lotion, or as I like to call it
“Sin sauce”
Me: I need to get something off my chest
My conjoined twin: I HAVE A NAME
My dentist calls himself the “tooth guy” because he’s fun and laid back and unlicensed
Nothing more humiliating than sending a text message with a picture and the picture doesn’t send for ages and now you’ve said something sooo odd out of context
Me: The brake pads breaked.
Mechanic: Broke.
Me: The broke pads breaked.
me: i think the leg needs to be amputated.
doctor: don’t worry it’s just a mosquito bite.
me: i know but it’s so itchy.
Me: I’m sorry, this toilet isn’t flushing.
Home Depot employee: …
Court clerk: Are you here about your hearing?
Me: No my hearing’s fine, I think it’s that murder I did
One of those compression vacuum storage systems but for the skeletons in my closet.
I’d say 20% of my day is spent trying to convince the dog we’re not about to be murdered by the UPS guy, mailman, squirrels, ice dispenser..
My husband and I have never had couples counseling, but we once had a third person help guide us out of a tight parking spot. Saved our marriage.
I love being a mom. I just left the vacuum running in front of my teenagers door until he woke up. Should have done what I asked, lil shit!
There’s no such thing as bad press.
Johnson & Johnson: Hold my Beer!
“What if your breakfast could occasionally spit acid in your eye?”
-Inventor of grapefruit
It’s a myth that comedians stop being relevant after they turn 40. I managed it in my mid twenties.
*asks Zumba instructor to sign my pizza permission slip*
When bears are around, try to look skinny and they won’t eat you.
If that doesn’t work, kick your buddy in the nuts and RUN!
the official breakfast of 2021
Mom: Sorry, I won’t be able to come in today. My son’s got stuck in the washing machine.
Boss: Aw okay. Poor thing, how old is he?
Mom: 27
*Opens a window and the wind blows 84 hamburger wrappers from my desk.*
“Oh no! My research!!”
The older I get, the less ‘life in prison’ becomes a deterrent.
1-year-old: *screeches*
3-year-old: *screeches back*
Me: What’s wrong?
3: We’re dinosaurs
I had to ban pterodactyls fights in the house.
Excuse me officer, I have diplomatic immunity.
*Shows International House of Pancakes loyalty card*
Me: I want beer
Cashier: ok how much
Me:
Cashier:
Me: I want it so so much