Did you know statistically you’re more likely to be killed by a coconut falling from a tree than by a coconut stabbing you with a breadknife
You Might Also Like
The Exorcist was probably the worst workout video ever.
Life hack: shave your head so you can sleep at your desk without messing up your hair.
I don’t know who needs to hear this but it’s time to send me my weekly allowance for cheese
WAITER: you can choose between 5 potato options and a salad
ME: [leaning in] the 5 potato options please
Definition of awkward: USPS, UPS, and FedEx making online shopping deliveries all at the same time.. just as my husband pulls in the driveway.
Me, reading some of your tweets
She hated my mixed-tape back in high school. Last month she gave birth to her ninth baby. Thanks for saving my life, Depeche Mode!
customs agent:
Anything to declare?me:
Yes, I really miss my dog.
7am – So tired I could weep.
12pm – I would LITERALLY kill for a nap.
4pm – Is it bedtime yet?
6pm – HOW IS IT NOT BEDTIME YET?
9pm – Perkier
11pm – Hey! Why am I not feeling tired now?
12am – WIDE AWAKE
1am – Reading ‘62 facts you never knew about Harry Potter’ on the internet.
I think this lady I’m stalking just found out. She changed her wifi name to:
“Hey you in the tree. I’ve called the cops.”
My coworker had a baby. I had a BLT. I think we all know who the real winner is
A lot of people don’t know this but if your child is screaming at the top of their lungs inside a department store, you can leave.
Fantasy football is just Dungeons and Dragons for the people who used to beat up the people who played Dungeons and Dragons.
Mentally fistfighting everyone I pass on sidewalk (watched action movie earlier) my record is 33-10 but to be fair I walked by a school.
Prince: I’m deleting dating apps so I can find love the old fashioned way (by kissing dead girls in the woods while 7 short people watch)
I fill the pantry with healthy snacks and then get mad when we don’t have any junk food in the house.
Friend: I’m surprised to see you eating a salad.
Me: *empties bag of chocolate chips over it*
Too bad the Kardashian show couldn’t be like “The Ring” and kill anyone who watches it.
Star Trek was my favorite show as a kid because I liked to fantasize about getting beamed off this planet.
It’s my favorite show now for the same reason.
I don’t really ask for much, just good health and happiness. Oh, and a tater tot as big as my head.
At this late date, the only way I’m gonna be famous is if I save a baby from a fire. And the baby is filming the whole thing with his phone.
Dear commercial,
If my family follows your advice and gives me Fitbit or exercise gear for Mother’s Day, prepare yourself for a lawsuit.
A pregnant lady was in line in front of me and a stranger asked her what she was having and she said “idk prob the chicken tenders.” Legend.
me when my kids won’t try their food: you might like it
me when my kids want to try my food: you won’t like it
1) Lick tip.
2) Stick it in gently.
3) Pump 12-20 times.
4) Sweat profusely.
5) Pull out gently.
-Instructions on inflating a basketball.
Even if it’s not cursed, a monkey paw is a terrible gift.
friend: you have to stop envying every single person you know when they find success in something you haven’t. it’s destroying your mental health and poisoning your relationships with your friends.
me: (immediately envious of their maturity and clarity of thought) right. totally
“conference” comes from the Latin “con” meaning “together with” and “ference” meaning “the worst people on earth”
I saw reduced fat wheat thins at the store and I thought, is this hell?