Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Can’t believe no one told me that cows can’t walk down stairs. Now I’m stuck with all these attic cows.

[yelling over the music to club DJ]

ME: YOU DONT HAVE TO HOLD THOSE HEADPHONES UP TO ONE EAR THEY GO ON YOUR HEAD THEY’RE CALLED HEADPHONES

Sorry I yelled “April Fool’s” while you were proposing to your girlfriend.

Me: I wish I had an egg and cheese biscuit.
Husband: McDonald’s sells breakfast all day.
Me, feigning surprise: They do?
Husband: Yes, want me to go?
Me: That is so sweet you don’t have to.
Husband: But I want to!

And that is how marriage works.

Judge: how does your client plead?

Me, a lawyer: it was just a little murder and the victim was a bit of a prick actually

Be specific when saying “BYOB”:

[bursts into house]
Hey, I brought beers!
*7 pastors wives shut their Bibles disapprovingly*

My mother had eight kids. She didn’t have time to cut our ham sandwiches in quarters. We just went to school with a bag of wheat and a live pig and figured it out.

The fact that no one on House Hunters has ever looked at a bathroom and said “I can picture myself taking a dump in here” is a tragically missed opportunity

My girlfriend lives over 200 miles away serving life in prison and she just killed her cell mate, 3 guards, broke out and held an Uber driver at gun point for a 4 hour drive just to come see me for an hour. IF THEY WANNA SEE YOU THEY’LL MAKE THE EFFORT

Just spent 15 minutes on my knees.
Now, the bathtub is spotless.

If practice makes perfect then I should really know what to do with my arms by now, when trying to sleep

public defender: if we get the wooden hammer away from the judge we win

My nephew, who’s about to turn 9, has asked for only one thing for his birthday: a clown ventriloquist puppet. In other news, I told my sister I’m no longer available for babysitting

Dogs have dandruff and cats have dandmeow. Hi, I’m single.

me: hi do you take walk-ins?

groundskeeper at the cemetery: what?

Hey retailers selling clear purses in response to venues’ draconian bag policies, we see right through you.

[buying condoms]
assistant: would you like a bag?
me: are they cheaper?

My followers are dropping like flies it must be that new perfume I bought.

My kid: look mumma this coin is really really old!
Also my kid: still younger than you though…

Studies show people lose interest in a tweet right about now

Did a trash talking tree write this?

One day I’m gonna plug my guitar into this elevator and just see what happens

A Post-It note on every wine bottle at home that just says DON’T CUT YOUR HAIR AGAIN THAT WAS BAD

Apparently people mistook my innocent “what street did you grow up on” tweet for data mining.

Which is hysterical in a completely non-Russian bot fabricated to crack your Pinterest password & steal your Dog Sweater Vision Board ideas kind of way.

(genuine human laughter)

Can’t believe people still say “pot” it’s not the 70s anymore we call it “saucepan” now

The average person eats 8 spiders a year

*eating 2nd bowl of spiders*
“WHO’S AVERAGE NOW DAD?”

My 6 year old asked to play charades with me yesterday. At first she was trapped behind an invisible wall, then suddenly she was eating soup, then driving a car. She dismissed each guess as completely absurd. Finally, frustrated by my ballerina guess, she said, “I’M A MIME, DAD!”

*Joins sleep study to get a full night’s rest away from my kids*

*hands cashier chihuahua*
“One waffle cone, please.”

The worst thing about wearing a turtleneck is not being able to get up off of your back if you fall over.