Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m starting a frequently terrible drycleaner called autopleat

Salad was likely invented after someone picked everything they didn’t like out of their meal and put it on a separate plate.

ME: Every tool in The Flintstones was an animal modified into servitude. Except for transportation. A role historically fulfilled by animals, yet man had to power their cars alone. It feels symbolically significant.

ARCHAEOLOGY PROFESSOR: How do you keep getting in here?

Projecting a movie onto my bedroom ceiling turns insomnia into incinema. No YOU shut up!

Friend: How’s your sex life?
Me: Why’d you say it like that?
F: Like what?
M: With airquotes and a guy playing sad trombone behind you

satan: i am lord of the underworld.

me: Antarctica?

satan: no it’s much hotter.

me: (nods) Australia.

I was filling out our census, and under “Any additional comments?” I wrote “Reese’s eggs should be available year round.”

You should be able to make your GPS call you a code name.
“Bobcat, in 3.1 miles turn left”
“Recalculating, Bobcat, you’re going rogue.”

I’ve never “hopped on a call.” I’ve trudged begrudgingly towards my webcam like a prisoner walking the plank

Called in, “I put the lime in the coconut and drank it all up.”

ME ONLINE: all people deserve the same rights & quality of life

ME IN TRAFFIC: I HOPE EVERYONE IN THIS MINIVAN GETS EATEN BY RABID BADGERS

Am I supposed to know my own blood type? I don’t even know what types of blood there are

My psychiatrist and I had a major breakthrough.

Now he can hear the voices too.

Me, as a surgeon: Nurse, give me 50 CCs of the thing from the thing. Stat.

Nurse: The what?

Me: Just do it, ok.

professor x: what’s ur superpower

me: hindsight

professor x: that won’t help us

me: yes i see that now

Why do people apologize when their dog runs up to you? You could stuff your dog down the back of my shirt and I’d give you a dollar

My wife is in the kitchen and she will not bring me a beer here in the livingroom. That’s it…gonna text her and say “I cannot believe how lazy you are.

“We should get tickets,” is as close to a rock concert as I get these days.

OH MY GOD I FORGOT TO UNPLUG THE TOASTER
[flash to dog in sunglasses waiting for his fifth batch of waffles to pop up]

[Camping]

Her: You didn’t bring food?

Him: No

Her: Or toilet paper?

Him: Why would we need toilet paper if we don’t have food?

I’d have more sympathy for Sony’s alleged loss of $200 million if that weren’t the cost of like three large popcorns at any movie theater.

“Choose password”
> 123bob

“Password must not contain common names & must be complex with at least 50 characters”
> gameofthrones

“OK”

Sleep is just something clowns made up so they can eat you.

[Australian recipe for upside down cake]

1: make cake

me: another

bartender: *slides over pudding cup*

[watching action movie]

*hero stealthily snaps guard’s neck*

me: damn, I bet that felt really good

When I’m depressed I like listening to Alanis Morupset

First rule of having a pet is to say everything twice. The second time in a sillier voice than the first.

If I was ever told to “dress to impress” my first thought would be to get the Batman suit out

Hey tampon makers, can I get a silent tampon wrapper please? Sounds like I’m opening a bag of Sun Chips up in here.