Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: please don’t tell my dad you’re a politician

*Later*

My dad: so what do you do?

Him: I get paid to lie to people

Like that whole spinach in the teeth thing, I never know if it’s polite to tell a lizard person when they have a little tear in their human suit.

being over 40 is like the movie speed but you can’t drop below 600mg of ibuprofen in your system

I always carry a jellyfish with me in case a hot girl wants me to pee on her, but she is too embarrassed to ask.

taco bell menu is like ok we have exactly 9 ingredients. which of these 38 ways do you want them presented fo you

Honestly I bet the inventor of the cannon would be relieved to know that they’re mostly about t-shirts now.

There are two kinds of people.

Try not to be either one of them.

If your twitter husband commits twittercide does that make you a twidow?

Asking for a friend.

My dad lost his job at the cemetery yesterday. He buried someone in the wrong plot. It was a grave mistake.

When you accidentally speak your mind in the company meeting

I think with my tax refund this year I’ll buy a commercial freezer because the bodies keep falling out of the smaller ones and it scares the dog.

Your kid says “don’t worry I take care of it” but you don’t know what “it” is.

I’m not saying my doctor is young, but he just texted me “2mer is B-9, woot!”

I accidentally swallowed a Christmas ornament and now I have tinselitis.

When I’m depressed I like listening to Alanis Morupset

I just panic bought 7 gallons of wolf urine and I’m not even sorry.

I’ve never played Jenga, but I have had to extricate myself from a sleeping toddler in my bed, so I think I could handle it.

me: man technology is scary af

black mirror: here are some more scary technological things you haven’t even thought of yet

Why be part of the problem when you can be all of it?

*finally detangles ear buds

*plane lands

GIRL: Spirit, should I have sex with this guy?
ME: *tries to push the ouija pointer to yes but it won’t move* (under breath) grandma, PLEASE

Me [a pilgrim]: better wear a belt on my hat so it doesn’t fall down

Meanwhile, at the local farmer’s market…..

Hot-cross buns!
Hot-cross buns!
One a penny, two a penny,
Hot-cross buns!

– I’ll have two then please.

Waking up in my 20s: shoot I have a pimple

Waking up in my 30s: shoot I have unresolved trauma in my lower back

hey Disney-Pixar here’s an idea maybe make a movie where the daughter ACTUALLY LISTENS TO HER FATHER

If Wonder Woman and Spider-Man go into business together, they should call it Amazon Web Services.

Gonna get my eye looked at today.. usually it’s the other way around

My daughter wrote a poem in school about where’s she’s from and she wrote I come from my siblings and I being called tiny dancers and children of the corn so I’ll just be outside waiting for cps.

Age is just a number until your 10yrs younger husband says “your hair today makes you look like Uncle Jesse’s girlfriend” and you think he meant from Dukes of Hazzard but he meant Full House and needless to say he’s now your ex-husband