Did you know that a cherry pie is $12 in Antigua but only $10 in Barbados?
Those arrr the pie rates of the Carribbean.
#CherriesJubileeDay #RubbishJokes #SaturdayMorning
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‘Shake It Off’ is probably my favorite urinal sing-along song.
Deacon: Remember when you said you were open to ideas to get new members?
Pastor: Yes, why do you ask?
Deacon: How do you feel about knives?
”Hey, you like water? yes? well I can turn it into wine.” -Jesus flirting in a bar
Sometimes parenting means asking the tough questions like, “Why is there a rock in the refrigerator?”
My FedEx guy knocks on the door like his son is dying and I’m the town doctor.
her: what are you watching?
me: film about misconceptions of ownership and land rights of wetlands under an absolute monarchy
her:
me:
her: are you describing sh—
me: yeah it’s shrek again
Was thinking of going to go to the gym and run 9 miles this morning so that I can look gud in college….but then I remembered I have TikTok filters 😉
#nofilter
Foal me once, I have a baby horse. Foal me twice, no one needs this many baby horses. Foal me thrice, please stop. I have no room for them.
“I FIXED IT!”
You have to love a boss with a sense of humor. Mine just sent me a 7am meeting notice on Outlook and I’ve never laughed so hard…
apart from It’s ok
what other death threats
do women use?
I like to skip when I’m carrying my flamethrower cause no one ever suspects a skipping girl of starting fires.
You know a guy is a creep if he shelves American Psycho with “how-to books.”
I can eat 47 deviled eggs without throwing up.
Don’t ask how I know this.
Why is there an eject button on the DVD remote? You still have to get up & take the disc out. It’s like having a remote to open the fridge.
If you come to my house and see a coffee cup upside down on the floor, just be my hero and put the spider outside please.
I think my wife might have been secretly taking goalkeeping lessons. I certainly wouldn’t put it past her.
no babe I love that you need to use the washroom because it coincides with my need to look at my phone for 3-7 minutes.
[marriage counseling]
Wife: I just wish he wasn’t so clingy
Husband: YOU KNEW I WAS A BARNACLE, LINDA
This day in history. 1675. English king Charles II ordered that all coffee houses be closed because the populace was becoming alarmingly alert.
I like to sleep with a fan in the bedroom. He makes me feel safe when my eyes are closed and writes really nice letters
I’m at the point in life where if a girl dresses up in a french maid outfit I’d be more happy if she actually just cleaned my house for me..
Me to my toddler: Listen up, small human. Here are some farm animal sounds you should learn to prepare you to climb the corporate ladder.
I wonder how long the first person to deliver twins waited before they realized that was the last one
Mark Zuckerberg came up with the idea for Facebook when he was at a party & a racist uncle wrote a bible quote on a painting then poked him
Alexa! Wake me up if there is an emergency like the world‘s about to get normal
8yo overheard me talking about getting laser eye surgery. She got really upset. I was surprised by her reaction until she said “but what if you accidentally shoot me with laser beams!”
Just overheard two coworkers knocking Scooby Doo for its loose plot holes and I told them that they’ll “never get away with this” and they didn’t get it.
I’m walking more to lose weight in order to help my knees feel better. Walking more is making my knees sore.
The moral of the story?
Don’t have knees.