Did you know that a pint of spilled blueberries can travel 3 feet across a kitchen floor in 3.1 seconds? Did you also know they can “disappear” under the fridge in the time it takes a mom to pee?
I do. Now.
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Just found out my parents have had a life insurance policy on me since I was 6mo old with them as the beneficiaries. I’m 44 now. I see they’re playing the long game…
I promised my husband a real show in the bedroom tonight. I hope he loves sock puppets.
My 1-year-old has been beeping at me all morning.
I thought there was something wrong with her.
Turns out she’s being R2-D2.
If you watch home alone backwards it’s about kid who tortures two strangers then his family comes home and yells at him
[vacuuming]
Pick up your feet please.
Kid on sofa: No!
Ok *sucks kid into vacuum feet first*
*turns to next kid* Pick up your feet please.
“I know exactly how you feel.”
*staring at a deflated giant inflatable snowman
The 70’s called. They built a time phone.
“Make it rain” is the only appropriate response when asked if you want parmesan cheese.
8:00 AM: I am 100% committed to this new diet!
8:45 AM: Eats an entire box of uncooked lasagna noodles
I’ve accidentally called someone on IG messenger before and my reaction was the same as if I had just been caught shoplifting.
The amount of people I know who have disliked me because someone told them to is staggering. Like dude, give me a chance… I’ll give you a reason. I promise.
OUCH I HAVE A FOOT CRAMP
You’re dehydrated
[Walks on toes]
Drink some water
[Crawls on knees]
Drink water
[Lays on floor]
Water-
[Dies]
Gunna get my 600 tweets in early, so I have the rest of the day free to argue with people in person.
I just tried to put my coffee pot in the refrigerator. I obviously slept very well and I’m on the way to a fabulous day.
in a world where big data threatens to commodify our lives,. telling online surveys that i “Dont know” what pringles are constitutes Heroism
Life hack: shave your head so you can sleep at your desk without messing up your hair.
When your kid says “I told you I knew how to be good” and you start getting flashbacks of all the times when they didn’t know at all
A good way to know if your girlfriend is a lizard is if she eats a bunch of crickets or small birds
Ok, so maybe the best time to break the news about how many years of school there are was NOT after a rough day at kindergarten.
Me: it’s time to go
Kids: wait. I cannot possibly leave without my emotional support toothpick but I don’t know where it is
A charcuterie board is about what’s on top of the board? I thought y’all were picking side items to make eating wood more palletable.
Intoxicated man causing disturbances attempts to hide from police…under a blanket
A “beyond burger” implies the existence of a “bed burger ” and a “bath burger”
bought an eggplant, imma grow my own eggs
I hope this email finds you in the paradise city where the grass is green and the girls are pretty.
ME: (dead silent)
ALEXA: I can hear your heartbeat.
No thanks, guy selling ribeyes from a box truck in the mall parking lot. I learned my lesson from the “Shrimp purchased from the trunk of a Corolla parked on the side of the road” incident of 1997.
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, no question, I would want to have pizza.
A welcome mat is a gateway rug.