If I were a doctor I would become assassinated by the insurance industry after publicly evincing the curative properties of a hot dog and a soda
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Look, ice cream has eggs in it, therefore it is a breakfast food.
When you’re anti-social, knowing you’re not alone is both comforting and disconcerting.
*friend you haven’t spoken to in years posts photos of their marriage*
wow thanks for the invite beth did our 6 weeks of drivers ed together mean nothing to u
50 Shades of Yellow. #SpongebobMovie #SuperBowl
When this is all over, I’m going to miss only waving at neighbours from a distance.
It’s 2014 and somehow we still don’t have a car mirror that can make objects appear exactly as far away as they are.
Previously On Persistence 😎
God: you’re a coyote.
Coyote: ok! what street did you grow up on?
God: Heavenly Way.
Coyote: what about your first pets name?
God: Sprinkles : )
Coyote: awww last four of your social?
God: 0001, why?
Coyote: no reason.
[later]
Coyote: [to Acme] I wanna buy rocket skates.
Smart of them to call it cookies I mean who’s gonna decline cookies? If they’d said this site uses snakes people would be like aw hell naw
Is 4 too young to release your kid out into the wild?
Pixar: so it starts with the love story of childhood sweethearts Carl and Elle
Me: omg they’re perfect
Pixar: right? later he goes on a great adventure in a floating house!
Me: haha and what does she do
Pixar:
Me: Pixar what is she doing during the great adventure
According to my wife’s new feng shui consultant, I need to move out.
That awkward moment when twins realize that one of them was not planned
been making the same muffin recipe forever and tonight I finally remembered it by heart. I can’t express how good it felt to know exactly what to do and how disgusting they tasted because I forgot the eggs.
you know covid done screwed everything up when you get into a car accident with a small plane.. you don’t even panic you guys just exchange insurance information.
ME: my car makes weird whispering noises…also the doors lock by themselves & blood comes out the CD player
MECHANIC: must be the spark plugs
me: I need to buy a train ticket
employee: window or aisle
me: *suddenly nervous* or you’ll what
My 5-year-old refused to eat her dinner because Netflix was running slow.
At least she picked a worthy cause for her hunger strike.
“I’m glad you’re so normal. It’s refreshing.”
“That’s me- totally normal!” *waves off mariachi band waiting in the wings*
-Balderdash!
-Codswallop!
-Tommyrot!
-Poppycock!Victorian Era YouTube comments
the problem with buying a lovely loaf of bread is you then need to eat it in three days. toast for breakfast, sandwiches for lunch, toast for dinner, bread for a snack, bread in salad, bread as a hat, make a bread friend called bread and spend the night watching bread together
This Viagra show looks cool but they keep cutting away to football
Welcome to your 40s. You now have one random eyebrow hair that grows faster than the rest
I think I will start calling my wife “My Customer” since she is always right…
Bought a cat collar with a bell on it, and now I can’t sneak up on the cat to put it on her.
As I looked at my naked body in the mirror, I thought to myself:
“I’m going to get thrown out of this home depot in a minute.”
Currently arguing with my toddler over how to spell the letter “A” if you’re thinking about having kids
I be like “I gotta drink more water” then take one little sippy sip and then give the rest to my house plants
The only time I ever make a good call is when I order pizza
I love the compliments my boss gives like “wow you’re on time today” and “great job ignoring dress code again”.