Did you know that actors in black & white movies often put their lives in danger during driving scenes, as they weren’t able to tell if the traffic light was green or red.
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dating tip #4: when meeting her brother for the 1st time make sure when he goes for the handshake u kiss him on the lips to assert dominance
I don’t understand interventions.
What’s the point of being told I drink too much by a room full of the reasons I drink in the first place?
Sand doesn’t even taste bad it’s just the texture
No one:
Me: “The word “Militia” just sounds like Sean Connery saying the name Melissa.”
Some people exercise on purpose by rowing little boats.
Canoe believe that?
Mechanic: Your car needs new brakes to pass inspection.
Me: Are you sure about that? *slides him a half used $10 Starbucks gift card*
“The Walking Dad,” but it’s just a guy walking around the house turning off lights and muttering that he’s “not made of money”
My kid told me it was too sunny outside and for a moment it seemed like he wanted me to do something about it
[Maroon 4 meeting]
Adam Levine: “Our band name sucks”
Drummer that no one knows the name of: “let’s think bigger”
Adam: “I’ve got it”
My boyfriend’s really happy we can meet up again now lockdown’s over
My husband not so much so
My Phone autocorrected “wish you were here” to “wish you were beer” and I sent it anyways
*shrugs off responsibility*
weigh me now
My daughter has a terrible mouth and I don’t know where the f*** she’s learning this sh**.
Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my bowl of breakfast chili.
when i said i wanted to be held, i didn’t mean accountable.
Boss: It’s been a tough year Jim
J: Am I laid off?
B: No
J: Fired?
B: No
J: What then?
B: You’re to be executed at noon.
J: This is bullshit
Apparently when someone tells you they’re pregnant, “why” is not an acceptable response.
Spiders have it about right.
If he doesn’t bring her a snack when he courts her it’s curtains..
4th grade student: How old are you?
Me: Quite a bit older than you.
Student: So like 23?
Me: Deal. Tell all your friends.
[job interview]
Panel: We’re looking for someone with intensity, focus, passion and drive
Me: *adjusting volume on Ipod* sorry what?
Yeah. I got blocked on ours for being sarcastic.
They all got panicked about an Asian guy in a van following kids around slowly. It was the Amazon guy delivering parcels.
Next day I started a post about a bloke with a red van putting stuff through people’s doors. Blocked.
anon_opin 😡🗯
@anon_opin
There’s no-one who can get more drunk on power than the admin of a village Facebook group
Long job application should let me clock in to finish them
Attn people who run in dark clothes at night,
I don’t have THAT much car insurance.
911: what’s your emergency
me: i need an ambulance at the public pool, jesus tried to do a cannonball
911: again?
me: he won’t listen to us
of course i’m gonna put all my eggs in one basket??? what’s the alternative, carrying like 12 different baskets for each egg? that’s impractical, i would look like a fool
Me: Sorry I’m late, I was trying to jump my wife’s car for like half an hour.
Boss: Need a new battery?
Me: No, I just think I need better shoes.
How do I rate our solar system?
One star
Executioner: last meal?
Me: I want to eat the electric chair
Executioner [through walkie talkie]: can he do that