Did you know that actors in black & white movies often put their lives in danger during driving scenes, as they weren’t able to tell if the traffic light was green or red.
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Do girls imagine themselves sucking in a invisible spaghetti when they’re about to take a picture?
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They don’t want to talk to you. But they’re there.
I read a sad statistic that something like 2% of all sushi goes un-Instagrammed.
ASK NOT WHAT YOUR COUNTRY CAN DO FOR YOU
ASK IF YOUR COUNTRY IS THE REASON YOU CAN’T LOOK AT YOUR NEWSFEED WITHOUT SCREAMING IN TONGUES
“Bigotry”
-an Italian guy describing an oak
My 3yo instructed me to be the monster at the park but just as I was about to grab her she shouted “hey monster, it’s lunch time!” so I’m super impressed with her survival skills
me: can i get some ketchup?
waiter: sir, this is a 3 michelin star restaurant
me: my apologies. may i please have some crème de tomato a la heinz
[being buried alive]
murderer: *out of breath* how are you eating the dirt so quickly
DISH FATHER: You can NEVER see that spoon again!
*daughter dish starts sobbing*
[outside the window, Spoon is thinking] we leave tonight
Johnny Depp was the ultimate bad boy until he started looking like my great aunt.
If you removed every blade from a 747’s engines and laid them end to end, you’d go to prison for rendering useless a $357 million aircraft.
[first date]
HER: So, I hear you’re a dog person-
ME: [tucking my tail between my legs] WHO TOLD YOU
When I go to type “Lmaooooooooo” and accidentally forget the A
Remember when we wished we could read people’s minds? Social media has shown just how shitty that power is.
My life coach refuses to tell me which motivational quote will protect me from corona virus 😡
Billion dollar idea.
A smoke detector that shuts off when you yell “I’m just cooking!”
wife *buying dinosaur balloons*
clerk: Is it someone’s birthday? *smiles at toddler*
wife: It is
clerk: How old?
wife: 35
Wife: Can you go pick up a chair I bought on a Facebook group?
Me: What if the seller is a murderer?
Wife: Why do you think I’m sending you?
Roger Federer is a bit more than Rog Feder but is less than Rogest Federest
If the first thing you do in the morning is checking your emails, you’re starting your day with other people’s problems
If you have more than one louse you have lice, just like if you have more than one mouse you have mice… So if you have more than one spouse I guess you’ve got spice.
90’s style insults need to come back.
Been itching to tell someone they need to go to the clue store to get one.
Doing LEGO with my son is like assisting during surgery.
6yo: Flat gray piece.
Me: Here.
6: 5 square red blocks.
M: Here.
6: I said RED!
“Don’t worry, the spider is smaller than you”
“Yeah….so is a grenade”
DOG COP: sir, you ran a gray light
DOG DRIVER: it was gray!
COP: no, it was gray!
DRIVER: gray!
COP: *starts barking*
DRIVER: *barking*
Magician: *pulls a rabbit out of a hat and makes doves appear from a handkerchief*
Zookeeper: And the penguin in your backpack. Hand it over.
Since the summer Olympics got postponed a year, that means I still have time to master ribbon gymnastics.
Had a picnic and got bitten by every insect known to man. Except for a lady bug, she just sat on my forehead and took a shit.
Got talking to a girl last night, asked her name. She said everyone calls me Vivaldi. I said is that because your a great Violinist.
She said no, it’s because my names Viv and I work at Aldi.😳😳
in HS I wanted to break up with a guy but figured it would leave fewer feelings hurt if I got the guy to break up with me. so invited him to sacrifice goats to the devil with me. took a whole 3 days before he finally said “we should talk” and I was like “I certainly hope so”