Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

God *up on a chair, shrieking*: GET IT GET IT GET IT

Mrs God: You know they’re more afraid of you than you are of them *gently sweeps man outside*

Scientist: we’re approaching a critical mass

Assistant: should we be wearing protection from the blast?

Mass: you look fat in that lab coat and no one likes you

Scientist: too late

if i stick just one toe outside my front door somehow it will cost me $40

Wouldn’t it be WAY weirder if Taylor Swift DIDN’T get all excited at her boyfriend’s games? Like, what if she just sat there, stone-faced?

pirate: walk the plank

me: ok but i don’t have a leash lol

pirate: *drops sword* dad?

[Girl from Willy Wonka turns into a blueberry]
Wonka: Call in The Blue Man Group!
[Blue Man Group rolls her out while singing Eiffle 65]

The closest I am to my hunter-gatherer ancestors is when I am gutting an Amazon package.

Billion dollar idea: An app that sends you a text when the light turns green.

wife [on Facebook] Spent the day with the kids. We had so much fun!

wife [to me] Do you know what those little shits did to me today?

Remember when we had to smack the TV cause it wasn’t coming in clearly…I feel that way about too many people

My wife says move they’re honking, well they’re just going to have to wait until I count all my McNuggets.

I feel like I’m living in my own horror movie. But it’s like a B movie that will never get much traction.

Revenge of the Fruity Pebbles. Yeah, direct to streaming at best.

Sometimes music can transport you to a place where you just SHIT THAT WAS MY EXIT BACK THERE.

Emojis are so weird. It’s like “I enjoyed your comment, here is a smiling disembodied head suffering from jaundice”.

me: this meeting couldve been an email

me when I get an email: I’m not reading that

Wife: Put the dishes away I have other things to do.

Me: ok

*Me loading dishwasher with wife watching entire time to ensure I do it right*

Spider-Man has a special plate onto which he can put down his felafel and hummus sandwich. It’s a pita parker.

I’ve seen your area rug, and you sir are not single.

the original name for the ps5 was pspspspsps but it kept attracting cats

I give it a month and all of us will have buzz cuts.

I’m trying to write.

My wife is pounding with a hammer in the garage.

I’m trying to write.

The dog is barking at the hammer noise.

I’m trying to write.

Kids next door are playing football and screaming “Omaha! Omaha!”, apparently their next big play.

…I’m trying to write.

Stop = Hammer time
Full stop = Grammar time

There’s a bird in the yard and she’s shaking her tail feathers in hope of attracting a mate. HE SHOULD LOVE YOU FOR YOUR BRAIN, I yell.

My kid talks a lot of shit for someone who still has to sometimes call for help because he fell into the toilet while pooping.

I just learned that at the Vienna airport there’s a counter specifically for people who arrived in Austria instead of Australia as they intended but apparently didn’t try hard enough

Xanax, keeping moms from dropping their kids off at an orphanage since 1981.

Watch closely as the husband quietly approaches the calm children, riles them up into a frenzy, then slyly escapes to watch football.

Here’s another great thing about hot tubs [pulls out a bowl of fully cooked ramen from under the water]

I want to cover you in expensive things like gasoline.

ME: I’ve brought you a house-warming present

ESKIMO: You idiot