did you know that before the crowbar was invented,
crows used to drink at home….
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Love how Google seems to know everything I’m doing before I even think about it, but Google Maps needs me to completely type out an address before it knows I’m not looking for driving directions from the US to India.
Hey m&m’s, I’ll be the judge if this bag is shareable or not.
An 80’s style montage of me and a dog learning to use chopsticks, and the dog progressing marginally faster
been watching all the James Bond movies in chronological order
it’s truly incredible how many times the fate of the entire world rests on James Bond’s ability to travel to a scenic destination and have sex with a beautiful woman
Cellulite? No thank you. I prefer good old full fat cellu
Shah Jahan built the Taj Mahal as a tribute to his wife but sure, the book shelf looks great.
David Bowie: We can be heroes
Me: No thanks
David Bowie: Just for one—
Me: I said I’m not interested
If you pitch a non-superhero, non-remake, non-sequel film in Hollywood they send your family to a work camp.
When my husband annoys me I like to say, “The doctor said I need to lose 10 pounds. What do you think?”
Me: You shouldn’t do math in pen. Get a pencil.
10yo: I can’t find one.
Me: *finds a pencil* Here.
10yo: I can’t find the pencil sharpener.
Me: *finds a sharpener*
10yo: I can’t find an eraser.
Me: Fine, use the pen.
10yo: I can’t find the pen.
me *opening a box of Mac and Cheese*
wife [sitting in the hot tub] No
Parenting is playing hide and seek with your kids but never trying to find them because you enjoy the downtime
I love seeing the look of dawning comprehension as someone realizes a new truth.
*tosses another water balloon from my roof
“Nutella causes cancer” says one scientist with his mouth covered in chocolate. “Send your jars to me and I will dispose of them.”
“Living well is the best revenge.”
Alexa, what is the second best revenge?
Welcome to ghosts anonymous. Nice to see such a spirited turnout.
*all of the ghosts boo in unison*
If you don’t stop holding those grudges they’re never going to learn to walk on their own.
What if babies cry on airplanes because they are expecting to get eaten. “Here comes the airplane,” indeed
I saw this late last night before bed and it literally haunted my dreams
Me: What are we doing for Valentine’s Day?
My Husband: Raising three kids
I enjoy romantic scrolls up and down your timeline.
Instagram: My life is a party.
Snapchat: My life is a quirky tv show
Facebook: My life turned out great!
Twitter: We’re all going to die.
This EpiPen doesn’t write for shit. I’m not sure why this guy that handed me it needs it. He’s just flailing around grabbing his neck.
I don’t use commas in my tweets I am a rebel without a pause
After three days of uncontrolled laughing, random face slapping, and running into the ocean in ball gowns, I threw away my Dior perfume.
–
Friend: I grew as a person
Me: Did you molt?
Friend: What?
Me: Is there a dried out slightly smaller husk of you in the basement?
Friend:
Me: Can I see it?
if I were the world, I would simply stop being on the verge of apocalypse
[raises arms to stretch, a cardinal swoops in and lays an egg]
I guess it’s time to shave for summer.
At bath time, my 4-year-old asked if he could use “the other bath.” We only have one, so, filled with curiosity, I grabbed his little hand and asked him to show me. Kid led me to the dishwasher.
You’re pretty cocky for someone with such a small…
….vocabulary.