did you know that before the crowbar was invented,
crows used to drink at home….
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The iPhone 6 looks pretty cool, but it still lets people leave voicemails, so they apparently haven’t worked out all the bugs yet.
the reason there are no time machines arriving from the future is that in the year 2040, the contract to make them goes to Boeing
My sister asked if I stole her cream sweater. Uh, yeah. Who else would’ve stolen it? You think a burglar broke in and was like “Cute top!”
i stopped listening to the radio once they stopped making them out of ham
Bored, go into a fitting room wait a couple minutes then yell, “where’s the toilet paper”
A Toronto restaurant has banned actor Zachary Quinto for throwing a tantrum during brunch. If you don’t know who Zachary Quinto is, he’s best known for throwing a tantrum at a Toronto restaurant during brunch.
You can buy a family sized shawarma platter it’s okay they don’t even check
For someone who dislikes Bill Gates, my dad sure does dress a lot like him.
Real 😅
My new boss just described me as “dramatic but not problematic” and I’ve never felt more understood in my life
My neck, my back. My pizza and my snacks.
This doctor doesn’t know what he’s talking about. I’m pretty sure “Esophagus” is that hairy elephant on Sesame Street.
An octopus is very cool because if Snow White and the Seven Dwarves were drowning, it would have enough tentacles to save all of them.
Dear commercial pitching me how much my funeral will cost,
It’s not going to cost ME anything.
help! watched my son get a mullet, and now I can’t stop singing Achy Breaky Heart.
That f****** terrifying moment when you open your phone with a wet thumb and it starts automatically calling everyone on your contact list.
Never read the comments. Unless you’re posting a comment. Then, read all the comments, because 40 other people already said that, genius.
me: how do i get a girl to like me
dad: treat her like she’s the only one in the room
{ later at party }
man: does anyone know cpr?! this woman is DYING
me: [steps over them] hello, beautiful
Someone already tweeted it’s hot outside.
Delete your tweet.
when movies add that accordion music to scenes set in Paris, they’re actually trying to cover up the fact that every cafe in the city is constantly blasting songs from Now That’s What I Call Music! 4
If I got kidnapped I’d continuously sing Pitbull songs until they kill me, I’d die but at least they’d suffer too.
kids today are like “so what did y’all do before the internet? did you just not know anything?” and the answer is yes. you would ask your aunt Marge a question, she’d give you the wrong answer and you’d carry that misinformation for twenty years.
Friend: I can’t stand one-uppers.
Me: I can’t stand them more.
I toss and turn in bed all night like a beautiful rotisserie chicken.
We’re not staying up to see in the New Year, we’re staying up to make absolutely certain that the old year is dead. Bring weapons.
Thought Experiment: Stand on a scale in an elevator. Cut the cable. You, the scale, and the elevator fall — scale reads zero
The first rule of denial club is I can stop anytime I want.
My wife is listening to an ad about chainsaws. I’m worried.
Funny that all this nonsense just stayed in people’s heads before Twitter came along.