Did you know that by today’s standards Marilyn Monroe would be considered dead?
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My husband has texted me 12 times from the grocery store with questions. He’s only made it to aisle 4. Pray for me.
coworker: you are so lucky that you don’t have kids
me: that’s not luck that’s on purpose
I will turn off your post-apocalyptic movie the first time I spot a woman with shaved pits
people flirting in your comments are like bats writing love notes to eachother in the smoke of your dumpster fire
My cousin Clevis says he bought a chihuahua, but I’m pretty sure he just shaved a squirrel.
When everyone is getting off the zoom call but you’re struggling to find the leave meeting button so then it’s just you and the host
“Most people on Twitter don’t send tweets like this” most people on Twitter are cowards
Electric planes are the future, as soon as someone figures out how to make extension cords long enough
I think the Monday after Sunday should always be a day off.
I like how impressionistic the French language is. You only have to pronounce half of the letters then you just think about the rest.
Wife: How long has 5 been in the tub?
Me: I’m letting her soak before I wash her
Zoology should be spelled zooology but science isnt ready for that conversation yet
[1st date]
Me: “So, what do you do?”
Her: “I’m a Herpetologist.”
Me: “Great! [pulls pants down] How bad is this?”
Count your blessings every day. Maybe you’ll have more blessings than Todd in accounting and you can rub them in his stupid face.
“Keep it in your pants,” I say, refusing to put my husband’s heavy key ring in my purse.
No one asks you to hold their baby if you’re standing next to a wood chipper
“I’m still a virgin”
-theres plenty of fish in the sea
“Ur right. I’ll find someone”
-no, I mean u should give up & be a lonely fisherman
I have a “wayward” son & telling him to “carry on” doesn’t sound like good advice, but whatever you say, kansas
The only sunscreen that’s 100% effective is abstinence
I was sad to have to throw my son out of home, but it was either him or the cat.
Car Salesman: We’ll give you $3,500 on the trade in…
Me: $3,800
Salesman: …but I’m going by Blue Book…
Me: Yeah but there’s at least $300 dollars in change trapped between the seats.
Salesman:
I’ll bet Medusa never got mosquito bites.
Told my son I needed some non talking time while I drank my coffee so instead he sat next to me and hummed the godzilla theme.
Me: This escape room sucks
My boss: This is a budget meeting…
Today I tended my livestock (took the dog to the groomers), rescued wildlife (a turtle in the road), worked to put bread on the table (wrote shit copy for stupid clients), and then tilled my fields (spread mulch). Not braggin’, but I think I would have made a great pioneer wife.
*tapes picture of my missing milk carton to the side of your child*
Seductively calls you out on your bullshit.
Just kidding, I don’t do anything seductively.
Breaking Bad – Season 05 Episode 14 – Frame 640 of 2834
“If you break up with me, I will beach myself.” -dramatic whale
Humans should grow a new set of teeth in our 30s to make-up for all the poor decisions in our 20s.