Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

How to make it rain:

-Hang washing out
-Wash car
-Decide against umbrella
-Nip out for lunch
-Plan barbecue
-Style hair
-Go to seaside
-Water all your plants
-Open the sunroof
-Take a day off
-Have windows cleaned
-Paint fence
-Put cushions out
-Say “should be a nice day”

Marriage 30s: He doesn’t know I burp or fart yet.

Marriage 40s: You should probably sleep in the other room because I had Mexican food for lunch.

Being paranoid about your govt’s paranoia is a good sign.

My veterinarian asked a lot of personal questions. He was all like “Why do you want so much horse tranquilizer?” & “Do you even own horses?”

Vacation = Taking time off from work and going traveling.

Staycation = Taking time off from work and staying home.

Praycation = Still going to the office, but not doing any work and just praying you don’t get caught.

*Ghost Jail

Ghost 1: What’re you in for?
Ghost 2: Posession
Ghost 1: Nice

Once you’ve had a bug on you everything is a bug on you for the rest of the day.

[guy chasing me with a chainsaw]
lol this idiot thinks im a tree

pikachu had tasted human flesh and now his hunger could not be satisfied

Started answering all spam texts/calls of “is this so and so?” with “no, this is Patrick.”

Piñatas are a fun way to intentionally maim the guests at your party.

I could never kill someone…
Not one of my knives cuts properly. Not even to cut an onion.

It’s funny to me when a movie character takes a drink of hard liquor “to clear my head” or “so I can think straight,” like that isn’t the exact opposite of how alcohol works.

Fun fact: The average Canadian swallows eight moose per year in their sleep.

*First day as a police officer*

Me: Sir, your son’s been either incarcerated or incinerated… *flips pad* Does that look like an A to you?

Hey m&m’s, I’ll be the judge if this bag is shareable or not.

How much for the soul sucker?

Sir, that’s a baby

My key takeaway from Ghostbusters was that once you’re dead, your Miranda rights don’t count for shit.

A birth certificate is a basically a baby receipt.

Funerals are expensiveeeeeee. Please put me in an airfryer when it’s my time.

Welcome to Earth, where we hate each other and put ketchup on everything.

[Commercial for ulcer medication]

“Tell your doctor immediately if you notice that you have darkened stools ”

Daughter: Hey we have darkened stools in the kitchen. We should tell the doctor right away, right?

taylor swift: oh my god look at that face you look like my next mistake

me [with mouth full of like way too many Doritos]: what

I begin to read a horror novel in Braille.

Something bad is about to happen, I can feel it.

Give em an enchilada, they’ll take a milechilada.

If I ever die on some hill, rest assured, something fishy is going on.

My wife’s job is to announce our exit is two miles away when we pass a big sign that says our exit is two miles away.

jfc that’s a stupid idea and someone could get hurt so when can we do it?

my problematically hot line cook found kittens in the parking lot and he had to drag me back inside because i’m now just sitting out there trying to feed them shrimp

I’m going to write a comic book about a superhero whose superpowers include super speed, teleportation, and surprising unsuspecting citizens with mimosa stations.