Did you know that by today’s standards Marilyn Monroe would be considered dead?
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Interviewer: “Where do you see yourself in five years?”
Me: “I’m pretty sure I’ll still be using a mirror.
I don’t want to do exercise, but I want to have done exercise.
The funniest part about The Bachelor is the participants actually think being married is a prize.
ME: I really love motorsport.
DATE: Do you like F1?
ME: I like all the function keys.
A smart car easily passes my Jeep on a hill. “Hey, that’s not right” yells a jogger, who also easily passes my Jeep on a hill.
Monster mom: Is it a GIRL?
Monster dad: Is it a BOY?Midwife: It has 12 fingers and 4 toes. Just be grateful you created a monster!
best thing about being a parent is having to convince my kids to drink water, like I’m on the goddamn marketing team for something they need for survival
Soooo, if the string breaks off…do you just make yourself sneeze so that it shoots out?
Female cashier: [stares at me]
*rings up tampons*
My hateful coworkers discovered that I eat my lunch in the air ducts and now they’ve taken to smacking the air ducts with a broom.
I never move faster than when I dive into bed, so my husband has to turn off all the lights and lock the front door.
2 pacs of eminems for 50 cents? Man that’s Ludacris
To be fair, “old-fashioned” doesn’t necessarily mean racist; it could also mean sexist.
Don’t people with bumper stickers realize it takes a t-shirt to change a person’s deeply held beliefs?
Me: I just feel really sad and helpless. It’s like nothing I do can make things better.
Brain: Have you tried eating an entire sheet of brownies about it?
Me: What?
Brain: Eat brownies about it.
Me: [Pre-heating the oven] makes sense.
Just listed my wife as my emergency contact and added the note “please text, she doesn’t answer calls.”
Marriage counselor: ok, let’s reflect on the last week’s session
Dracula: *snickering* I can’t reflect on anything
Dracula’s wife: are you even going to try and take this seriously?
[my day at work]
9:00am: so much to do, blessed!
9:05am: ok I’m bored
9:06am: *googles am I too goth for work?*
me, alone: [reads a book in my head intelligently]
me, with people: [reads a book out loud like a 5 yo just learning to read]
Wanted to listen to my audiobook, but didn’t want to get up out of bed & find headphones so my brain was like ugh, there should be closed captions you can turn on so you can listen to the story silently
If someone tells me, “no rush” then I’m basically never doing it.
8 yo was asked to sign a contract to agree to class rules at school. She said to the teacher, “It’s not a valid contract if I don’t have a choice.”
If he marries someone else, raises a family, and leads a very fulfilling life, maybe he’s just not that into you.
*tucking t-shirt into tighty whities*
Time to seize the day.
“I better pee first.”
– me, before doing anything
When you have bad handwriting, notes to yourself are just fun little mysteries you get to solve later on
Whenever a boomer asks if I know who a musician is, I just confidently say they were in Fleetwood Mac, cause it’s probably true
“if you could dinner with any scientist, alive or dead, which one would it be?”
“schrodinger”
*at the pet shop*
Me: Can I buy a goldfish?
Seller: Do you want an aquarium?
Me: I don’t care what star sign it is.
kinda feel like the bridge overreacted
I would travel a million miles to be with you for 30 minutes.
Unless I had to walk. Then it’s one block max.