@lynnbixenspan

Did you know that by today’s standards Marilyn Monroe would be considered dead?

You Might Also Like

@mjkspeaks

I only make mistakes when I’m around people who are observant.

@ThugRaccoons

Editor: What’s the first question every good reporter asks?

Reporter: Why did I major in journalism?

@EliTerry

I wanna see some BUTTS on da dance floor! ONLY butts. Detached from their owners, just kinda in a pile. In the middle. Nice. Good butt pile.

@FunnyCauseImFat

My wife fell asleep during American Idol, so I got up like a fat ninja and turned hockey on. Then, I whispered to myself “I run this house”

@ThisOneSayz

Me: babe, I don’t mean to be THAT person but you breathe way too loud & I can’t fall asleep.

*Vader grabs a blanket & moves to the couch*

@UnFitz

I shot a man in Reno just to watch him dry

(I used a water pistol)

@artcarlson

#gameofthrones greatest achievement this season: getting us to root for a guy to hook up with a woman we all knew was his aunt.

@WheelTod

[Me in hospital bed]

My wife: How is he?

Dr: He was dead for 15m

Wife remembering “Til death do us part” in our wedding vows:*pumps fist