I only make mistakes when I’m around people who are observant.
Did you know that by today’s standards Marilyn Monroe would be considered dead?
You Might Also Like
Editor: What’s the first question every good reporter asks?
Reporter: Why did I major in journalism?
I wanna see some BUTTS on da dance floor! ONLY butts. Detached from their owners, just kinda in a pile. In the middle. Nice. Good butt pile.
My wife fell asleep during American Idol, so I got up like a fat ninja and turned hockey on. Then, I whispered to myself “I run this house”
Me: babe, I don’t mean to be THAT person but you breathe way too loud & I can’t fall asleep.
*Vader grabs a blanket & moves to the couch*
The vast majority of spider couples met on the web.
I shot a man in Reno just to watch him dry
(I used a water pistol)
#gameofthrones greatest achievement this season: getting us to root for a guy to hook up with a woman we all knew was his aunt.
[Me in hospital bed]
My wife: How is he?
Dr: He was dead for 15m
Wife remembering “Til death do us part” in our wedding vows:*pumps fist