Did you know that by today’s standards Marilyn Monroe would be considered dead?

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I only make mistakes when I’m around people who are observant.


Editor: What’s the first question every good reporter asks?

Reporter: Why did I major in journalism?


I wanna see some BUTTS on da dance floor! ONLY butts. Detached from their owners, just kinda in a pile. In the middle. Nice. Good butt pile.


My wife fell asleep during American Idol, so I got up like a fat ninja and turned hockey on. Then, I whispered to myself “I run this house”


Me: babe, I don’t mean to be THAT person but you breathe way too loud & I can’t fall asleep.

*Vader grabs a blanket & moves to the couch*


I shot a man in Reno just to watch him dry

(I used a water pistol)


#gameofthrones greatest achievement this season: getting us to root for a guy to hook up with a woman we all knew was his aunt.


[Me in hospital bed]

My wife: How is he?

Dr: He was dead for 15m

Wife remembering “Til death do us part” in our wedding vows:*pumps fist