Did you know that by today’s standards Marilyn Monroe would be considered dead?
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God: *twisting an owl* I can’t get this damn jar open
If youre a serial killer & you dont call your murder shack a ‘bloodshed,’ well I’ve just about given up on you
(Cereal Mascot Support Meeting)
TRIX BUNNY: I don’t understand why I can’t have any of the cereal.
LUCKY CHARMS LEPRECHAUN: I don’t understand why these kids keep stealing mine.
FREDDY KREUGER: I think I’ve wandered into the wrong group, but have any of you thought about murder?
Mom 1: My son loves gluten free chips.
Mom 2: Asher eats everything organic.
Me: My son had a chocolate donut and a booger for breakfast.
Sometimes when I look into the sky I get overwhelmed with emotion and eat the nearest entire tree and everything living in that tree
Automated text response: Please allow 7-10 business days for a response, longer if I don’t like you.
Enhanced interrogation idea:
If waterboarding isn’t working, try having my mother brush their hair.
curly fries are my favorite as they’re salty and spiraling, like me.
My husband’s beige flag is he’s always ranting about the “feels like” temperature on the weather app. “If we always say 30 degrees FEELS LIKE a different temperature than 30 degrees, how can we ever know what real 30 degrees feels like??????”
Nervous around the person you like? Sue them. They’ll be forced to see you in court, well dressed & in control. Let the law be your wingman.
Wish my date had canceled before I shaved my legs. Well if anyone wants to go out tonight I am more aerodynamic than usual
A journal of my lactose intolerance called Dear Diarrhea.
When the company finally leaves and you can let one rip..
that.
Idk why they make you wait on the plane for so long after you land. Like you already defied the laws of gravity and carried my physical vessel all the way to Toronto and placed me gently on the ground. That was the hard part. You just have to open the door now.
My long hair falls out constantly so I leave it everywhere for birds to make nests, your honor. That’s why my DNA proves I’m thoughtful, generous, and especially not guilty of this crime.
Before you get paranoid about the lack of people interacting with you on twitter, remember Jesus only had 12 followers in his day, and look at him now.
I post 🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩 on Facebook everyday.
I don’t play Wordle, but it drives my family nuts.
Him: I bet she’s thinking about other guys
Me, deep in thought: I am personally offended that 7 tortilla chips is a serving size
To understand the difference between Italians and Canadians all you need to know is two things. Italian sausage and Canadian bacon…
Me: You said everything in here was edible
Willy Wonka: Yes, but-
Me: *takes another bite of Oompa Loompa* Tastes like a circus peanut
Given the amount of clowns around here you’d think it would be more entertaining
Just saw a horse drawn cart. Wasn’t a very good cart. Horses are terrible artists.
2022 Jesus turns water into gasoline.
that wasn’t the question
My husband has reached an age where he reads the menu out loud. The whole menu.
And then he has questions.
Please send help.
There’s a big crane across the street from my work and I want it to reach over the street to us and deliver snacks at our front door
My son asked to read one of my scripts three weeks ago. Still hasn’t read it. I can’t believe I’m raising a studio executive.
Uber: “I’m in a blue Honda Civic.”
Me: “ok”
Me to me: “ok, we know what blue is”
Cats throw up a lot, so when choosing your pet’s food, I recommend something that matches the carpet.
#caturday
Middle-aged math is going out drinking and feeling half your age then waking up the next morning feeling twice your age.