Did you know that cows kill more people than sharks?
I’m surprised that cows kill any sharks at all.
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Welcome to parenthood. Have you ever wondered what it would be like if a day was 3267 hours long?
Good luck sending me mixed signals. Most the time I can’t even understand the direct ones.
My husband put on a ratty old t shirt and asked me how it looked and I had to break it to him that it’d look better in the trash which apparently is marriage code for “it’s probably good for another five years at least.”
I don’t eat dessert for dinner nearly as much as I thought I would when I was 8
People who try to beat you when walking into a store. No.
“How did you get those scars?”
[Flashback to me running into a glass door]
They’re from Cage fighting.
ME: I don’t know if I’m ready for this…emotionally.
CHIPOTLE EMPLOYEE: You have to order something or get out of the line.
if you aren’t on threads I just want you to know everyone is talking shit about you
Me: you’re a coward
Tattooist: it’s just not possible to tattoo your whole body “denim”
A sweater so itchy it feels like it was made from scratch.
People with infectious laughs make me want to be a better laugher.
Forget a beach bod I want a bat’s bod give me giant fangs and the long, leathery wings I need to rule the night
is he actually funny or have you just not had sex in a while
My ability to attract girls has increased exponentially since I started my new hobby ‘crying whilst pushing round an empty stroller’
How wrong was this guy?
I worked as a ticket runner during the Oakland Raiders football season. I’d get a text,
“I’m wearing a silver hat, silver jacket; I’m at the bar.”
It was the most challenging game of “Where’s Waldo?” I ever played.
the bad guy in hallmark movies is a boyfriend who is like “uh no babe i cant drop everything + leave work this weekend im about to close a deal for ten million dollars that will set us up for life” and the good guy is a guy who is just standing there when she gets to her hometown
My friend was bleeding, and the first aid book told me to apply pressure…
..So I told him if he didn’t stop bleeding right away, he’d die
Every Law & Order episode should end with:
“Objection your honor, the prosecution’s face is way too symmetrical!”
Directions on tooth whitener say avoid coffee, red wine and cola. If I could do that, why would I need whitener?
THE TOP TEN WORDS OF 2012!!
1. End
2. Of
3. Year
4. Top
5. Ten
6. Lists
7. Are
8. Exercises
9. In
10. Stupidity
We got an electric blanket so now I call all of our other ones acoustic blankets.
My birth certificate is far and away my most impressive swimming certificate.
I’ve been on my best behavior ever since the words “you can be charged as an adult” applied to me
(NASA)
HQ: Good launch everyone.
Astronaut: Uhh what’s that buzzing noise?
NASA Prankster: Definitely rocket noise and not bees.
Friend: can I borrow £20?
Me: No.
*slides me £20
Friend: How about now?
Me: Don’t look at me that way. Everyone pees in the shower.
Her: Yes. Most people have the shower running.
M:
H: Please leave Home Depot.
Facebook: see what my mom’s friends are up to
Instagram: see what my favorite celebrities are up to
Twitter: see what my fellow swamp demon hell spawn are up to
20’s: AT DAWN WE RIDE !
40’s: AT NINE WE SLEEP !
Someday, I wish Twitter will come up with a new & useful feature for once, like a sarcasm indicator for the ones who never get it.