Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Like my therapist always says, “I’m not your therapist, you’re just laying on a couch in Ikea”

my gf: don’t tell my dad how we met

me: ok

[later]
her dad: so how did you two meet?

me: *startled* I’ve never seen her before in my life

Not saying I’m special but kids these days never have any money behind their ears.

*Uses time machine to constantly go back to bed*

Treadmills:
The only thing worse than running, is running and going nowhere.

Friend: How do you keep ending up in these situations?!

Me: *slowly pokes head out of dumpster*

[blind date]

HER: I love classic rock.

ME: (trying to impress) I’ve been to Stonehenge.

Having to redownload the HBO app on four devices was the worst thing to happen to me since COVID.

Raccoons are riding wild hogs into battle against the possums. I guarantee you the media will be completely silent about it.

Me: AI, how many fingers am I holding up?

AI: 17.

Nobody ever told me that this was an option.

Neighbours described the United Kingdom as a “quiet, well-mannered country” that “kept itself to itself”.

“I would absolutely say I’m an introvert!” – Guy screaming to his table full of friends at brunch.

*couple walking through the house they just bought*

Husband: Hey, honey, there’s an attic!

Wife: Really?

H: *peering into attic with a flashlight* There’s dust everywhere, except on that creepy Victorian doll staring at me.

*later*

Friend: Is there an attic?

Husband: No.

I feel like all bears are Bad News Bears. I’ve never seen a bear and was like “Oh, he looks like he has good news for us, lets stick around”

My spirit animal is this kid at my son’s football practice that just stands and cries every time he’s told he has to run

By allowing my children to play their music & video games loudly, I’m able to get candy out of its wrapper into my mouth unseen.

Went by the house where I grew up. Asked to go in to look around, but they said no and shut the door in my face. My parents can be so rude.

me talking to family:
▶🔘──────── 00:02

me talking to friends:
▶ 🔘──────── 00:06

me going through the Wiki pages for the Netflix ‘Popples’ series & live action Flintstones movies:
▶ 🔘──────── 1:54:28

anyone who’s put together Ikea furniture knows damn well why they call it a hex wrench

I recorded my husband snoring and then played it back to hear it and he rolled over and said, “TURN THAT DOWN I’M TRYING TO SLEEP!”

Them: how are you?
Me: fine
Them: you don’t look fine
Me: then stop looking

Pretty convinced that my left eyebrow and my right eyebrow belong to two different people with very different lifestyles.

Found pickle trapped next to a rock in the river. Grabbed it out of curiosity. Realized it was a pickle. Grossed out I threw it back into river. Decided I needed a picture. Chased pickle down the river. Jumped in river in newly thrifted sneakers for pickle. Took picture. Voila.

A relationship is like a shark, it looks better on TV

“I have to eat every 7 minutes or I get cranky.”

“Ma’am, that’s not a valid reason to be excused from jury duty.”

*grabs your ankle from a storm sewer* if your barbie doll needs a hula hoop use an onion ring

For those without heat in Texas, there are warming shelters throughout the state. See map at link below or call 211 for assistance. If you have a medical device that requires power, call 911. Texas twitter, please add additional resources to this thread.

People in my office act like they’ve never seen someone in formal working pajamas before.

[making yellowjackets]
Angel: These things don’t really do anything other than sting people
God: We’re running out of college mascots