Did you know that cows kill more people than sharks?
I’m surprised that cows kill any sharks at all.
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What’s the protocol for objecting at a wedding that you’re a plus one at?
i tried to clean up my chrome tabs but it turns out all 200 of them contain information that is vital for my survival
Cop: I clocked you going 90 in a 45. What’s the rush?
Me: [embarrassed to admit I’m just really excited to watch the new season of The Great British Baking Show on Netflix] I HAVE A GENERAL DISREGARD FOR THE LAW PIG MAN
“Tim’s coming tonight”
“Tim with hooves for feet or Tim that likes to bang coconut halves together?”
[in the distance] clip-clop clip-clop
[High school reunion]
Person: “Are you wearing the same clothes you wore on our last day of school?”
Me: “You told me to never change.”
i get a version of this tweet a lot. and i feel like i finally nailed the reply today.
so, ya know, showing off!
When your bucket of KFC starts talking about the afterlife, that is some deep fried chicken.
SHOUT OUT TO ALL THE PREGNANT LADIES GETTING READY FOR THE BIG WEEKEND COMING UP !!!
#labordayweekend
June 1885 – The Statue Of Liberty arrives in the U.S. in 350 pieces with no instructions.
Future IKEA magnate: “That gives me an idea.”
*moves all unread emails to trash
Omg I got so much done today.
Just opened my water bill and my electricity bill at the same time…
I was shocked.
Some choices are easier than others:
An emergency doctor’s appt vs a much needed hair appt.
At least if I die my hair will be cute.
Why do I have to work today? I worked yesterday! What more could you possibly want from me.
My dream is to buy a horse and race it. The horse will probably beat me but it’ll still be fun
“Dad, what do you hate most about being divorced and living alone?”
“It takes 1 month for me to fill up the goddamn dishwasher.”
interviewer: please, sit down
me: thank you
interviewer: not on my lap
How am I supposed to adequately complain about my sunburn with no lobster emoji?
A warlock cursed me to forever be standing in line behind people trying to remember the name of a movie, and I know exactly what movie it is
If “live each day as if it’s your last” means being paralyzed with anxiety and a sense of impending doom then I am absolutely nailing it
“Shark infested waters”….you mean their home?
SON: I’m moving out as soon as I turn 18 and you can’t stop me.
ME: [pumping fist] If you insist.
when i say im saving myself for marriage what i mean is you won’t know how annoying i am until it’s too late
Only Christopher Walken can get away with saying stuff like you wanted to chance at the dance but you forgot your pants.
ME: do you like it better when I part it down the middle or when I tease it out with styling mousse
HER: how about we just shave your back instead
Valet parking is cool because obviously I didn’t spend the last five years meticulously fine-tuning the positions of my seat, steering wheel, and mirrors, by all means please do just shove everything wherever you want it for the one minute you’ll be driving my car
Me: Yes, I’d like the Mexican massage.
Masseuse: The what?
Me: *hands him taco seasoning and sour cream*
Masseuse:
Me: Let’s go, chop chop.
Do you know what I’ve learned after 59 years of living on this planet?
Your culinary experience improves once you realize your smoke alarm isn’t a cooking timer.
Priest: tell me your confessions
Me: I said the f word twice this week
Priest: [70% sure I stole his meatball sub from the church fridge] anything else
Christmas always sucked when I was a kid because I believed in Santa Claus, and unfortunately, so did my parents. #Christmas