Did you know that Icy Hot remains on your fingers 6 hours after application? Well I do, because I wear contacts.
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There are two kinds of people. The ones that pack six days before a trip, and the ones that wake up day-of and realize they need to do a load of laundry. And they marry each other.
one time I saw a guy playing with a yoyo walk into a street sign. I laughed so hard that it changed me. It changed everything.
[giving cops my statement after my house was robbed by the breakdancing burglar] no music but he was still hittin that shit
Rented a Bowflex machine because it was the path of leased resistance.
me: I feel like this’d be better if I knew my competitors. Like maybe you could do a grid and we could see who won each week?
therapist: again, you can’t “win” therapy
The worst part about getting arrested by a motorcycle cop is having to hug him from behind all the way back to the precinct.
the Itsy Bitsy Spider is my favourite kids song about absolutely refusing to learn your lesson
I got caught with my hand in cookie jar again.
I really need a better nickname for her.
I don’t think it’s ever happened, but according to my dogs’ reactions, I’m assuming that, some dog, somewhere, at some time, has been sucked into a vacuum cleaner.
16: I hate old people.
Me: That’s where you and I are different.
16: You like old people?!
Me: No, I hate everybody.
a segment like “celebrities read mean tweets” but instead it’s professors reading course evaluations written by students who failed their class
her: [during sex] call me names
me: [panicking] optimus prime
I just learned that Howler monkeys urinate on their hands and feet to find their way back home, and yet it still sounds more comfortable and effective than Apple maps
Survivor, but it’s just us touching our faces and then waiting
Comcast: “Would you like to upgrade your Internet service to include cable?”
Me: “No thanks, the illegal downloading has that base covered.”
I’ll never understand people who go through self-checkout line and slowly and carefully scan their items. This line is for STEALING
The word Ohio looks like a tractor
My 9 year old ran away for an hour and by the time he came back my wife had already turned his bedroom into a yoga studio.
[In line at the store when my child has a meltdown]
A boomer in line behind me: that child could use some discipline-
Me: -but your generation has already used 𝘌𝘝𝘌𝘙𝘠𝘛𝘏𝘐𝘕𝘎 all up
Waiter you misunderstand me. I didn’t say “I need a Mountain Dew: Code Red.” I was letting you know how badly I need a regular Mountain Dew.
Me: I should tell him how I feel.
Beer: Nah.
Vodka: Just be sweet about it.
Whiskey: Or yell it.
Tequila: MAKE SURE YOU CRY GUYS LOVE THAT
4 thinks the lead singer of Queen was Freddie Macaroni and he won’t be taking any further questions on this
What to do when threatened by a bear:
1. Play dead.
2. No longer have to pretend.
me: i love sleepovers
doctor: this isn’t a sleepover, you’re in the hospital
me: then why do I have this nightgown
doctor: that’s a hospital gown
me: truth or dare
doctor:
me:
doctor: dare
My hobby is removing unnecessary apostrophes from business signs in the dead of night
Him: wanna go to your favorite place?
Me: Poundtown?!
H: I was thinking Target but—
M: no, no, your instincts were correct
I can never find my cars keys but I won’t forget that time you checked out another woman at the mall four years ago.
Flight attendant: You’re sitting in an exit row. Are you ready willing and able to assist in case of an emergency
Me, half an ambien and 2 bloody marys deep: Yeah
Husband “I thought you were dieting?”
Me “I am”
Husband “You just ate 6 Oreos”
Me “Yes but I want to eat 12. See – Dieting”
I take my ibuprofen wrapped in cheese cause why should my dog have all the fun?