Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

scientist: don’t touch anything

me: [licked a petri dish already] got it

…20 minutes later

scientist: did you touch something

me: no

scientist: you’re changing colors just tell me what you touched and i’ll save you

me: [about to die] i didn’t touch anything i swear to god

I don’t think the lady who just shushed a baby in the library knows how babies work

I think I know the stress of a guy disarming a ticking time bomb after my wife watched me while I unloaded the dishwasher.

I tried to explain Pokémon to my 4-year-old.

After hearing myself say it out loud, I’m pretty sure I ruined both of our childhoods.

Imagine being in jail for 35 years and Kim K got you out.

Inmate: Who got me out?

Warden: A famous celebrity.

Inmate: Wow, what’s she famous for?

Warden: Uhhh… Well for starters she was Bruce Jenner’s step daughter.

Inmate: No way! What’s he up to??!

Warden: Just go man.

Kids love retelling stories about times they threw up

Me: I can never tell what girls want

Her: Flirt with me. Whisper sexy things in my ear.

Me: Like…in a friend kinda way?

Every time my parents buy my kids a loud toy, I submit their phone number to a mortgage refinancing company.

First person to use a pillow: this is way better than leaves

First person to lay on a pillow: ok I smell shit

Me: well that didn’t age well

My Mirror:

I set the automatic reply on my work email to “I don’t negotiate with terrorists.”

Now we wait.

Who called them potatoes & not the motherchip.

At least men & women can agree on one thing: it feels AMAZING to take a bra off

It’s funny how all those “best places in the world” lists always forget to include the Internet.

My OnlyFans would be me editing your papers before you submit them.

OnlyFANS = Only Flawless Apostrophes ‘N Spelling

One horribly inappropriate comment and you’ll never be shown another baby photo at work ever again. Totally worth it.

When I wear those trendy sports bras with a million straps I get stuck in them like a seagull in a six pack ring

been feeling trapped ever since i investigated that box propped up by a stick.

I’m opening a healthy alternative all egg-white omelet breakfast joint.

I really think my “Whites Only!” restaurant idea will be a hit!

Men in suits look really successful until you find out they work for the men in T-shirts and jeans

If you were 8 yrs old when “red red wine” was released UB40 now

do the spectators at golf tournaments know they don’t have to be there

[i wake up confused]
KIDNAPPER: youll never guess where we are!
ME: [observing floor tile pattern] this is a Dennys bathroom
KIDNAPPER: shit

my first day as a raccoon

Me: Excel, could you copy paste values pls

Excel: (smoking cigarette and eating Doritos) yeah I can do it but it’s gonna take like 10 minutes

Me: why

Excel: (eating three chips at once) because I don’t like you

No one shot Rick Ross – when you’re that big you’re BOUND to be hit by a random stray bullet now and then

ME: Can I taste your pancakes?

HUSBAND: Okay, but just one bite.

ME:

Butter my backside and call me a biscuit.