Did you know that if a unicorn and I were to race the unicorn would likely win cause unicorns are about as real as my desire to race anything?
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How do I tell Instagram I don’t want to see guys almost eaten by gators?
Dead animal names:
A dead fly is called a flew
A dead goose is a ghoost
A dead gnu is a gnold
A dead pig is a bacon
Make allergy season more exciting by snorting confetti so that every time you sneeze it’s like a little party on your face.
Plant care tips
interviewer: describe your hero
me: I needed to borrow space in a friend’s freezer but it was full so she ate enough food to make room
35% of all hospital deaths are caused by the attending physician failing to yell “Don’t you die on me!” at the right moment.
Me: I just feel really sad and helpless. It’s like nothing I do can make things better.
Brain: Have you tried eating an entire sheet of brownies about it?
Me: What?
Brain: Eat brownies about it.
Me: [Pre-heating the oven] makes sense.
*whistling*
Husband: There’s blood in the entry way. What happened?
Me: I’m decorating for Halloween.
Husband: But It’s real blood.
Me: *continues whistling*
therapy dog: tell me your problems, sugar
Browsing Prime this morning and clicked “Sort by Price: High to Low” like my life is some sort of rap video.
I lost 6 hours of sleep last night, lying in bed wondering if Muppets get haircuts.
[gets pulled over for speeding]
Where’s the fire ma’am?
*grips lighter*
“I’m not sure yet”
Nicknames are way more fun when the other person doesn’t know they have one.
think my Uber driver is flirting w/ me
I’ve got roughly 12 hours left of summer vacation, and I’m really starting to think that my friends & I aren’t going to stumble across an alien creature stranded in the woods, or discover a secret map providing clues to buried pirate treasure. And that’s just sad.
me: you’ve changed since you go the pfizer vaccine
Jepfpf: no I haven’t
Geopfpf: I think she was talking to me
it’s cute when your doc says to be on strict bed rest when you have a 10 mo old and your husband is gone. lol i’ll just call my magic fairies. they can handle it and probably even wash the car and then we can all dance around together and eat pizza without getting fat
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I jokingly took credit for the inside Christmas decorations.
When someone blows a kiss at me I karate chop it right in half.
“Spirits, are you there?”
[ouija board] ＩＦ ＹＯＵ ＬＩＫＥ ＩＴ ＴＨＥＮ ＹＯＵ ＳＨＯＵＬＤＡ ＰＵＴ Ａ ＲＩＮＧ ＯＮ ＩＴ
“Damn it, we’ve held a séaoncé again!”
Me: *successfully puts out fire* Did I pass?
Cooking instructor: No.
Kids: you burned the popcorn
Me: you gave me stretch marks
Being a mom is easy
My ex-wife could’ve pushed Gandhi to violence.
Don’t perform CPR because you never know when a giant alien spider is dressed in a human suit.
Pants? You mean Leg Prisons?
Felony is a beautiful name for a girl
(Me,after returning from exam)
Mom: (Greeting) How was your paper?
Me: I wrote what I knew, I copied what I didn’t knew.
8yo: …
6yo: …
8yo: …
6yo: …
8yo: …
6yo: …
8yo: ….Punches 6yo in the face.
Me: Woah,what the hell was that for?
8yo: He knows.
Me: “Seems bad that King Charles is ill, his wife is unpopular, and his heir is up to some problematic shit”
2020’s guy: “yeah”
1680’s guy: “yeah”
In case anyone was wondering if I’m this bad in real life too
