Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I learned my first lesson at ninja school today: Do not wear corduroy pants.

I’m trying to beat the world record for most cat paintings done in one night. The current record holder is George W. Bush, who did 911.

I’m making all of the random open bags of things in our freezer for dinner. Everyone gets 4 chicken nuggets, 5 tater tots, 6 fries, and an onion ring.

People actually wake up one day and decide to add raisins to rice

Me: I’m pregnant

Him: oh no

Me: with emotion

Him: oh, whew

Me: because there’s a baby inside me

Me: My wife and I finish each others sentences

Judge: No

10: “What are we doing today?

Me: “We’re gonna make tacos.”

10: “Then what are we going to do?”

Me: “…I’ll be eating tacos.”

It’s a plant shaped like an egg.
EGGPLANT!
It’s a place where we make fire.
FIREPLACE!
Diving in the sky.
SKYDIVING!

Humans are creative.

The way I’m terrified to one day raise a teenager you’d think they have rabies

no no i’m not stressed i just constantly grind my teeth and clench my jaw for fun.

I may disagree with what you say, but I will defend to the death this little fort I made out of mashed potato with gravy as a moat and the carrots are cannons. Sorry, what were you saying?

I’ve been day drinking espresso martinis if anyone needs some trees chopped down

My girlfriend asked me to act like an animal in bed. So I peed on the pillow.

It appears my neighbor’s plastic flamingo was hit by a car. What’s the etiquette? Card? Fruit & nut basket?

Pulling up to another car at a stoplight in my 20’s: Turns up music.

Pulling up to another car at a stoplight in my 40’s: Turns down NPR.

I cried when my dentist told me I needed two implants and a crown because I can finally realize my dream of being a sexy princess.

I ate my exam paper. Which means that pretty soon I’ll pass the test.

My daughter in college texted me and asked where to go to get air in her tires. I told her the gas station and I swear on all that is holy her response was this, “I only have $88 in my bank account. Will it cost more than that?”

i was in the park, setting up my yoga mat, when skateboard punk yolo teens (tripping on fleek pot) stole my dinosaur sketches and fannypack full of cheese

That tattoo of wings on your back are good. But wings that small could hardly get you off the ground though. *reveals full body wing tattoo*

people who clap when the plane lands are insufferable i only clap when the plane takes off and whenever someone exits the restroom

My grandparents’ generation was so committed to vacation photos they’d flip their goddamn car and it would still be like “Marge, get in here.”

Learn from your failures. For example, I will never eat Cheetos immediately before a job interview again.

I don’t need two-day delivery. Whatever I order shows up the second I step outside the door in my underwear.

Hitlers gonna hitl

i hate when my iPhone corrects “omw” to “On my way!” bro i am not that excited

Turns out you don’t need to have a large gathering to still argue about religion and politics.

(Watching “Dateline” before kids)
“Why the hell would he fake his own death?”

(Watching “Dateline” after kids)
*Takes notes*

6: are snakes just neck?

Elephant: wow I’m huge, what do I eat?

God: peanuts

Elephant: what?

God: *remembering Mr. Peanut breaking up with him over text*

Elephant:

God: all of them