Did you know that if a unicorn and I were to race the unicorn would likely win cause unicorns are about as real as my desire to race anything?
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My wife is hilarious
We’ve been trying to get ahold of our sons daycare corporate for 4 months and they literally do not answer phones or email
She applied for a job and when they contacted her for an interview she asked to be transferred to the person we needed to talk to
[hiding my girlfriends Christmas present behind my back] remember how you said we were out of milk
If God is a woman then how do you explain:
1) Spiders
2) Shoes you can’t afford
3) Periods
4) Men
IDEAL UBER DRIVER:
-Clean car
-Doesn’t talk to me during drive
-Plays good music
-When he drops me off tells me he’s my father who left when I was 4 & has secretly followed my life and has always been proud of me
I don’t know why these at-home workouts aren’t working yet, I watch like 6 of these videos a day
I don’t see why walking is healthy. Zombies walk constantly and they look awful.
Who decided that we should sit together in groups while we chew food?
supermarket employee [scanning 34 different types of cheese]: you sure do like cheese
me [nervously looking at my shirt pocket where a mouse pointing a gun at me is sitting]: cheese
Nah, you don’t give me anxiety. not like when someone hands me money and the bills are facing different directions
inventor of murder: I’m going to make a killing
Someone’s just thrown a bottle of Omega 3 tablets at me. I only received super fish oil injuries, but still.
Every time I have a salad for lunch my stomach feels the same way a dog does when someone fake throws a tennis ball.
In all seriousness I’ve had babies in my audience before and it is genuinely a nightmare. They don’t get any of your school material and they can’t give you a standing ovation. Pathetic.
i hate it when my daughter is suddenly nice to me because I know it’s just a first calculated step in impending negotiations
Needless to say, I don’t think it’s good news.
The best thing about going to see a film with your child is them insisting on going to the toilet 2 minutes before the end.
cats: you just cleaned this box, i must use it
dogs: I can’t use a clean area, I must go where everyone has gone before me
I don’t think I can manage sugar daddy but I could probably scrape together a carb uncle
A roomba that swears every time it hits something.
[spotify ai voice] ayo it’s ya dj, x. comin up, i’m gonna play you some music that sucks
Polite way of saying gfy in unwanted DM 😉
Fun: text friend Are you alone right now? They go Yes. Then u text back LOL
Just saw a grasshopper jump on cement.
THEY’RE EVOLVING.
SNAIL: I’m a turtle?
GOD: No, you’re a snail
SNAIL: I have a shell
GOD: Yup
SNAIL: and I move really slowly
GOD: Yeah, all the time
SNAIL: but I’m not a turtle?
GOD (made too many turtle shells and needed somewhere to put them): you’re a completely different thing
my 9yo: does your friend Scott know that he could just spell his name with one t and it would sound exactly the same?
12: My favorite band is Green Day
Grandpa: Who the hell is green dog?
Me: Clifford’s cousin
“Let’s make it very difficult to open while people are bleeding.”
– inventor of the Band-Aid
My kid fell off the bed and into the laundry basket head first. She’ll probably never forgive me for laughing so hard but I’m only human and that shits funny
Sex is like lasagna – there’s absolutely no reason for it to involve spinach in any form.
Me: I’m going to start the day early tomorrow.
WebMD: In the morgue.