Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The guy I was hooking up with said that he’s moving next week because I made him realize how much this town sucks.
I’m not sure how to take that. Am I proud of myself or offended?

9: dad I don’t want to sleep in my room alone tonight. Can I sleep with you and mom?

me: aw bud, it’s okay. You won’t be alone in your room. There’s plenty of ghosts in there to keep you company.

9: MOM!

flash mobs for serving divorce papers

Me: I wish I never had to go outside

Me after listening to 10 minutes of NPR: I bet I could milk a goat, for I am so knowledgeable in such things

*looks out the window, sees bubonic plague is back*

Mondays, amirite?

Me working remotely from home:

“Sorry I’m late to the Zoom, I got caught up in another *meeting that ran over.”

*moving laundry from washer to dryer

midcentury futurists:
technology will one day eliminate human suffering and enable us to live life to its fullest, most joyous potential

technology:

I feel guilty about being Asian because I didn’t start playing the violin since I was born.

I received a lovely Valentine’s Card from a secret admirer. I suspect it’s the one I sent to myself with my handwriting disguised, but it’s a nice thought on my part, and I appreciate it, although unfortunately I’m not really my type, so the relationship won’t go anywhere.

Today I finally told my kids that St Patrick isn’t real, and it’s been me putting the snakes under their pillows all these years.

[taking out my Diva Cup]

Dracula: you gonna drink that?

The story of Narcissus falling in love with his reflection is a little far-fetched.

*takes 87 selfies*

Never let me in your house because I will do stuff like this

“I’m in love with the shape of ewe.”

-Ed, shearing

My friend went out with a guy who works at Trader Joe’s and when she mentioned she likes the new brookie caramel candy clusters he said he didn’t want to talk about work 😅

I’ll always remember what my dad told me right before he died: “of course you’re supposed to use that much lighter fluid idiot.”

Thanks to my wife, I now know a car can go 21,462 miles without an oil change before something horrible happens.

Sorry I can’t carpool to work. That’s the 20 minutes I use to angry scream.

Maybe your dog is barking at my luggage because he doesn’t enjoy his job, officer.

My daughter claimed that her knife skills are better than Chef Ramsay’s. So I tossed her a potato and asked her to peel it and she said, “With a knife?”

Don’t worry Chef Ramsay, your job is safe!

Having an older dog means ten seconds after you drop a piece of food, you have to drop an even bigger piece of food so they can find it.

Don’t check on your introverted friends this time of year. They’re probably turning their lights off and pretending they’re not home

Random girl: OMG I love your UGG boots

Me: No No… that’s just the way my feet look

ME: Is it true you can smell diseases?
MY DOG: Yes
ME: Well do I have any?
MY DOG: Yes, you’re insane
ME: Wow you can smell that?
MY DOG: No

Some people can never, ever admit they’re wrong. I’m not one of them though I was definitely wrong about you

Brain: that was a good cookie

Body: here’s 4 pounds

If you ever feel unattractive, just remember that you look like your ancestors, and Hey, All of them got laid.

They say that there’s no place for the state in the bedrooms of the nation, and you know what else has no place in the bedrooms of the nation? MALM furniture from IKEA or my cousin Steve.

The robot uprising is upon us. Humanity is decimated. Broken bodies rot in the streets while black smoke fills the sky. Terror and fear are all we know; hope is a forgotten dream.

On the bright side, the AI typos are hilarious.

Cleaning kitchen knives
Thought of you