Did you know that if you drop and break a piece of folk art, it just turns into more folk art?
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*blows bubbles in your face to distract you as I take all of your tater tots*
Me: Wow, you’re glowing.
Her: Aaaaww, thank you!
Me: No, like radioactive…
Her: . . .
Me: Tone down the filters?
It’s so cold out today in Wisconsin I just saw a snowman kill another snowman and crawl inside his body cavity
I dinated blood today. I have typo blood.
I feel like I’d really make more progress on my goal of being more positive if everyone wasn’t such a huge piece of shit all the time
Mall security asked me to empty my pockets.
My response was “you won’t find a better job or respect in my pockets”
My existential crisis began when I realized there is no “I” in “me.”
HR says I’m not allowed to build an electric fence around my desk for days I have to go into the office .
“Jesus Christ, Roger… What the hell are you doing with your life?”
zeus: my son hercules has the biggest, muscles of all
poseidon, holding a bucket of shellfish: i seem to have misunderstood the assignment
Waitress: need anything else?
Me: yes, a cup of black coffee.
W: and how would u like your coffee?
M: uhhh..black and in a cup?
No one told me my life would become so much googling it
In our house the answer to 🎶who let the dogs out?🎶 is always the toddler at 4am when we’re all alseep because she thinks it’s funny
HILARIOUS DAD: who has two thumbs and can hitchhike going either north or south? This guy!
UNAMUSED MOM: renew the AAA I said. You never know when you’ll need it I said. But noOOooo
Day 1 of diet:
forgot I was on a diet and had a milkshake and fried chicken. Will try again tomorrow.
No coupon is really “expired” if you cry hard enough.
For english press ONE. Para espanol el primo numero DOS. If you like totes can’t even right now, obvs press THREE.
When the executioner asks me what my final words are I’m just going to start filibustering.
Did you know that if you listen to any Black Sabbath album backwards, you can hear them singing backwards?
*writing dating profile*
Me: I’m like a good coffee, rich and smooth…
Friend: Oh strong start
Me: …Mysterious and aromatic…
Friend: Ok maybe stop with the coffee thing
Me: …bitter and makes you poop…
Friend: *unplugging my wifi*
I love how you guys shit on Lohan, Hilton and Kardashian. If one of those bitches said a word to you fools, your balls would explode.
Me: *travels back to 1980*
Me: *watches my parents bring me home after birth, tears up*
Me: *watches mom trip and drop me on my head*
Me: That actually explains a lot.
Any time I see a dog in a baby stroller I assume the dog has somehow established dominance & the baby is back at home stuck in a kennel.
no one should have to work on Sundays till you pull up to the Taco Bell and it’s dark inside
Me: [giving eulogy] He was a good man. He was a kind man. He was born to the blade, and merciless. He had a secret robot arm that shot out the side of his head. He was nine inches tall and invisible on Tuesdays. He wanted you to know the truth let go of me they need to hear this
I can be a real tiger in bed. No, wait, wait… What’s that animal that plays dead?
[moon landing]
ME: the beagle has landed
HOUSTON: you mean eagle?
ME: (holding the puppy I snuck onboard) nope
Why do I have to use leaves as toilet paper when I go camping while we have bears out there using Charmin?