Did you know that if you drop and break a piece of folk art, it just turns into more folk art?
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I just found out my dad carries around my 4YO’s toy car with him. When he feels stressed or sad, he reaches into his pocket and holds it. I’m teary-eyed thinking about how my child’s object brings my father comfort, but damn, we’ve been looking for that.
Me: Why doesn’t he love me?
Nachos: Eat more of me and find out!
Me: *Chewing* So?
Nachos: We need outside counsel. Send pizza down here.
Developer: We have a problem.
Manager: Remember, there are no such things as problems, only opportunities.
Developer: Well then, we have a DDoS opportunity.
Sometimes you just need to burn everything down to start over.. take a deep breath. close your eyes and enjoy the heat..
aaaaaaaaaaaaannnnnnd apparently that’s also arson.
Really, every section of the greeting card aisle could be called “Societal Obligation.”
“Rethink this?” buddy I didn’t even think this the first time
I bet The Ring really made it hard for dead people that want to crawl out of your tv for friendly reasons.
“You gotta keep ‘em separated” – The Offspring doing their laundry
I’m not sure if I like my wife’s new boyfriend.
The Backseat Boys
Is it a good sign when your therapist keeps saying Ka-Ching?
[police car behind me]
Me: shit, was that a red light back there?
My dog: like a light grey
Me: …
My dog: if that helps
If my cats are going to insist upon me getting up early they’re gonna have to learn how to make coffee
I only eat people when they’re cooked properly. I’m not a savage.
I have a joke about trickle down economics.
99% of you won’t ever get it.
I accidentally had two energy drinks today and now my house is decorated for Christmas.
I try to always be the bigger person by hanging out with a lot of short people
if you write “keep it together, man” without the comma you end up creating a new superhero named “keep it together man” and frankly if there’s one guy we need right now it’s him.
HEY GRAPEFRUIT, know what else is a grape AND a fruit? GRAPES. yeah. so get your own name you citrus idiot
instructions: stir halfway through cooking then put back in microwave
me: oui chef
Wife: why are you smiling?
[realizing if Blue from Blue’s Clues and Clifford had puppies they’d be purple]
Me: I was thinking about you.
95% of pet ownership is just saying “hello” to them in various tones.
“How old are you?”
Things you say to your third child.
The twelve days of Christmas be like:
Days 1-4: Birds
Day 5: FINALLY, A DECENT GIFT
Days 6-7: oh… more birds
Days 8-12: Slavery(?)
God: I’ve always regretted not making you the dominant species
Man: But you did—
Dog: She was talking to me
Me: Thanks
Cashier: No, thank YOU
Me: …if this is a thank you-off, you better buckle the hell up
“I am ahead of lettuce”
[I am fleeing from a terrible monster; a vegetable no human can hope to overcome]“I am a head of lettuce”
[I have become the monster; that which I once strove to destroy]
To every YT creator out there
Never put text on the bottom..
Biggest mistake in my life.
I get all my cardio the old fashioned way; by running from my problems.