Did you know that if you drop and break a piece of folk art, it just turns into more folk art?
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Spice girls: tell me what you want, what you really, really want
Me: I want all conditioner bottles to say NOT SHAMPOO in big red letters
Why am I like this?
#Shipping #Ecommerce #SmallBusiness #USPS #ShipDude
Playdates were invented to force parents to clean their home
I’ve reached the point in my marriage that my husband fell asleep on the couch and OMG I AM SO EXCITED I GET THE BED ALL TO MYSELF
[Gets soccer schedule, 8am Saturday games]
*Tells junior he didn’t make the team*
When do you introduce yourself to your new neighbors? Is it after 5 years? Tell me it’s after you hit their mailbox with your car.
triscuits is short for scuit scuit scuit
HAHA! Answer your phone silly. I called you like 18 times.
-I say as I climb through your window
thinking about how the Starbucks mermaid is slowly, but surely, getting closer, and we cannot stop her
When your wife asks what’s on TV, dust is not the right answer.
There should be a “shame” setting on showerheads.
dividing 75 by 2 to get 37.5……. awful experience. wouldn’t wish it on anyone
*clicks open my pocket watch with a glance before snapping it shut* as suspected I still cannot tell time
Good news, people in 3rd world countries, suffering inexplicable hardships- Amy from fb says god won’t give you more than you can handle.
It’s not a hangover. It’s wine flu.
boss: WORKING HARD OR HARDLY WORKING?
me: HAHAHA[later]
cw: WORKING HARD OR HARDLY WORKING?
me: literally never talk to me gary
[god creating the beetle]
what if a bee and a turtle had sex
HIM: isn’t wintertime just so romantic
ME (smiles & my lips crack open & blood starts pouring down my chin): oh definitely
Wife: *on phone* our son is on the ceiling, I think he’s possessed
Me: by Spider-Man?
Wife: his head just spun around
Me: *eyes narrow* Owl-Man
Guys, I had to book a flight for my grandma, and according to her passport, she’s born in February, not July, as we have always celebrated. Asked, she said: “Well, you can’t celebrate garden parties in February.”
O_o
[a cat sitting in the sleigh impassively knocking presents out into the Pacific Ocean]
Rudolph: Santa Claws, NO
when you’re supposed to be in bed but the grown-ups’ dinner party is too loud
[About to have sex]
Girl: Do you have a condom?Me: Yeah
*bird screaching*
Girl: I said condom not condor
Me: *taking condom from bird’s beak* Good boy Rory.
Girl:
Me: Don’t you feel stupid now?
[Interview with a Vampire]
Interviewer: hah, your resume says ‘bleedership skills’, what a funny typo!
Vampire: *nervously tapping fingers, not making eye contact*
everyone freaking out thinking the robot apocalypse is coming bc the google AI is sentient and it’s like okay? just add it to the apocalypse pile who cares
I’m what you might call ‘internet pretty’, meaning I’m really your dad.
Son: the devil made me do it
Me: what did I say about that
Son: not to call my sister the devil
Why are they called ‘school gym clothes’ and not ‘class action suits’?
I thought the husband was finally taking photography seriously by telling me to move to the right and smile. Turned out to be a nice shot of me with the dog taking a crap in the background.
This fake stomach ache feels like I’ll be leaving work early today to go to a bar to watch the Steelers game.