Did you know that if you drop and break a piece of folk art, it just turns into more folk art?
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Just learnt how a cat yowls on heat. So glad we as humans don’t do it the same way
triple bad room means you have to sleep with the owner’s grandma. who likes her feet rubbed. with butter.
My documentary ‘I Have Stolen All Your Chairs’ just received a 90 minute standing ovation at Cannes
thinking about eating a lot of candy. which i have obtained legaly, through the trick or treat system, for many years
Men, do you ever wonder what women have in their purses?
Simple really: Wallet, keys, lip balm, tiny hand grenades, sunglasses, tissues, a pet unicorn, souls of our enemies, Advil, tampons and sometimes brass knuckles.
You’re welcome
Won “Typo of the Moth” again at work.
Imagine having a subordinate at work who can’t perform basic job duties, requires constant oversight, and questions your every decision with another supervisor. Parenting. I just described parenting.
Woman on the tube: How old is your baby?
Mum: She’s two and a half weeks.
Woman: Wow. What’s her name?
Mum: Still deciding.
Little Girl nearby: My name’s Martha (pause) So you can have that for free.
I’d climb the deepest ocean for you.
WAITER: u can choose between 5 potato options and a salad
ME: the 5 potato options, please
I’m only up to Covid 15.
No Spoilers Please!
Happy anniversary to the almond at the bottom of my purse.
If you watch COPS backwards it’s just a bunch of people overcoming miraculous obstacles to win free drugs
I put in an order at a deli. The woman helping me had a name tag that said “Kate.” While she was getting my food, another employee bumped into her. I said “Be careful. She’s very Deli Kate.”
They stared at me like I’d grown a second head. Well I thought it was funny…
Why is it called In N Out when the line is 10 miles long
Your mum doesn’t think it’s safe for you to have a treehouse, but I’m gonna go out on a limb and build you one.
Bartender: “I see your glass is empty. Would you like another?”
Me: “What on earth would I do with 2 empty glasses?”
Gorilla glue is amazing. I haven’t seen a broken gorilla in years
[giving commencement address at graduation]
“My fellow graduates, the best life advice I have is: if you don’t already know how many calories are in a tortilla, never look it up”
ME: we’re leaving in 15 minutes
KID1: im ready
KID2: readyME: ok time to go
KID1: i don’t have any socks
KID2: i fell in the toilet
What if there were a liquid that tasted like acidic, sour dirt?
– inventor of cranberry juice
I’m always tonguing my cyanide tooth in case someone wants to tell me about their journey.
Midnight snack: battle between how much you crave food versus how much you don’t want to brush your teeth again
I unfollowed a guy in the Navy; too many sub tweets.
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
I walked up to my 9yo and said, “How goes it?” He looks up at me and says, “God is history’s greatest serial killer.”
“This movie is intended for 18+ viewers.” Bro, I don’t have 17 friends to watch this with.
This 1886 photograph of a young girl trying to cut a beam of sunlight with a pair of scissors is either a wonderful testament to the boundless imagination of childhood, or a clear example of the fact that kids were just as dumb 135 years ago.
👏WHY👏DO👏WE👏CALL👏TINY👏BAGS👏”BAGGIES”👏BUT👏TINY👏BOXES👏AREN’T👏CALLED👏”BOXIES”👏THAT’S👏SOME👏BULLSHIT👏CALL👏THEM👏”BOXIES”👏IMMEDIATELY👏NO👏JUSTICE👏NO👏PEACE👏AND👏WHATNOT!👏
But that’s my emotional support bin of clothes that are too small for me now.