Did you know that if you listen to any Black Sabbath album backwards, you can hear them singing backwards?
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[breakfast in hell]
STALIN: Toast is burnt
POL POT: Eggs are rotten
HITLER: I hate the juice
STALIN: Oh here we go
HITLER: I said JUICE
MY NECK. MY BACK. MY PJ’S AND MY SNACK.
It’s polite to hold a door open for a woman, but no one specified by how much
“Oooo, a window. Let’s see if I can fly through it.” – Dumbass birds
I am convinced Americans are required by law to watch football. Ain’t no way this many people watch it all day long by choice
The corner of this table hurt me and made me cry, so now we’re dating
look, men and women are BIOLOGICALLY different. ever since the cave man times boys have loved cars and girls have loved toy ovens
Interviewer: What are you passionate about? I want someone who’s full of passion. Passion is so motivational.
Me: I’m passionate about a paycheque, sir.
My signature move is asking a co-worker wearing a suit on dress down Fridays, “how did the job interview go?” in front of everyone.
Quarantine log, Day 8:
Cat: I need you to run to the store for me.
Me: What for? You have plenty of food.
Cat: I got into the treats last night. I’m almost out.
Me:
Me: You can talk!
If I get hurt playing Wii Sports, that’s still a sports injury, right?
Why do people say “Cannonball” when jumping into a pool, but no one says “I’m jumping into a pool” when firing a cannonball #Interesting
daughter: what if the easter bunny actually is a huge rabbit
me: heh what else could it be
daughter: [leaves]
me: [alone w my thoughts] what else could it be
I only compete with myself because I’m hella stupid and easy to outsmart.
I’m afraid to be cremated and have the whole place smelling like honey BBQ and bacon
My security system is just a bunch of my unpaid bills taped to my front door
My kids have been helping our neighbors in their garden and now I’m having Children of the Corn flashbacks.
🎶Well you can tell by the way I clumsy walk
I’m an awkward girl, don’t wanna talk
Mumble sounds, eyes look down
I’ve been trippin ’round since I was born
And it’s all right, it’s okay
Please just look the other way
🎶
The best part of running at 5am is the irrational, adult fear of zombies to keep you going.
doctors will be like go get this and pharmacists will be like here u go
i kicked the back of her seat ONE time
Just finished leg day with my new trainer and now I need to replace the stairs in my house with an elevator. Or shower in the kitchen sink?
“Suicide Squad” looks like a bunch of people Avril Lavigne hangs out with.
Idk why they make you wait on the plane for so long after you land. Like you already defied the laws of gravity and carried my physical vessel all the way to Toronto and placed me gently on the ground. That was the hard part. You just have to open the door now.
[speed dating, today]
him: hi I’m Steve, nice to meet you!
*her, sat like 12ft away*: what?
Steve: what?
brian had himself a morning…
[Crime Scene]
Detective: Looks like the killer used a wheelbarrow to dump the victim.
[in the shed a wheelbarrow grins, his seventh kill]
me: are you telling me how to raise my children?
necromancer: trying to, yeah
I’m my own worst enemy. And the enemy of my enemy is my friend. So I’m also my best friend