Did you know that if you listen to any Black Sabbath album backwards, you can hear them singing backwards?
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It took three nurses to pull me off of that doctor after he told me I need to give up potatoes.
Name please
“Yo-Yo Ma”
Your full name
[quietly] “Yoghurt-Yoghurt Marmalade”
You can walk a mile in sweat pants and have no problem. As soon as you have bags of groceries in each hand they’re around your ankles.
I like how we say “vegan” now instead of “eating disorder”.
I almost walked out of the dentist’s office without putting my pants back on.
“Hang out with different people everyday so the only person who knows you’ve been wearing the same outfit all week is you” – my fashion blog
“I’m just playing devil’s advocate here.” Ok why are you helping the devil?
My wife is mocking me because I declared that going to the grocery store was a date night
I’m not saying I’m a hero, but I did just give a bottle of wine mouth to mouth.
It didn’t make it.
I could never give up my dog, he knows too much
you always think you have the “dateline” story figured out in the first 20 minutes. but then someone goes jogging.
Instead of saying you’re gluten intolerant, just say you go against the grain.
I spend 99% of my drunk time chasing my cat around trying to give him a hug.
[cop who just pulled me over] i know you’re not really asleep
People say nothing is impossible but you would be amazed at how often I do nothing.
My husband just bought us a cooking class for date night. Subtle.
Awwwwww he is confused! ❤️🤣🤣
I dunno, I guess it started when my parents got married in a gazebo
The walk of shame, but it’s just trying to walk after sitting crisscross applesauce for a few minutes.
i know someone who thought the chorus to gangnam style was “open condom style”
My dog just swallowed a bag of Scrabble tiles, so I took him to the vet.
No word yet.
I’m assuming someone paid that frog to croak outside my window all night
Sleeping Beauty has a pretty good situation going on until Prince Charming came and screwed it up.
90% of parenting, is saying different variations of “We don’t eat waffles with our feet”.
HER: *spitting out food* This is GROSS! What did you put in this?
ME: Old Spice. Just like you said to.
HER: I said ALL spice, you idiot!
Autocorrect changed “morning” too “mignon” and now, I want some steak.
Can someone please invent pantyhose that don’t rip?
I think everyone in this bank just saw my face.
I can never hear what my kids are up to while I’m in the shower so I just yell “HEY cut it out!” every 60 seconds and hope that keeps them in line
Some creepy guy with a mustache is running on the treadmill next to me at the gym…never mind, it’s a mirror.
No, I’m not dressing up as something sexy. I’m sexy 364 days of the year. I’m dressing up as the Predator.