Did you know that if you say Bloody Mary three times into the bathroom mirror no one will bring you one? Ugh this monastery is weak af
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My friend called me from a private number last night so I just returned the favor by knocking on his door with a ski mask on.
The kindergarten people are so short
-my kid, after one day of being a first grader
Why are there no bring your friend to work days so that they can see you have a serious job and do serious things for a living
replying “so true bestie” every time a man tells me i’m pretty
the hottest people have the worst stomach problems
This can never not be funny 😭😭
*sees a ghost*
omg dont haunt me please i dont wana b scared
“dude i literaly experienced the horors of death so maybe this isnt about you”
*tapes picture of my missing milk carton to the side of your child*
Lindsay Lohan said she’s voting for Mitt b/c “employment is really important right now”
Like it’s Obama’s fault no one wants to hire her.
Ugh, I drank all this tea to help me sleep, but I just keep going to the bathroom… *checks label* oh no! Celestial Seasonings Peepeetime Tea?!
The family you’ve pictured in your mind, is never the one that shows up at the BBQ.
One time I was so sad I wrote an entire Radiohead album.
a well-meaning but misguided stranger said my kids were so good they must go to church and my 6yo said, with the deadpan delivery of a trained actor, “what’s church”
*Buys something from Amazon
*Tracks package from Amazon
*Gets delivery from Amazon
Me)I wonder what this is
I’m a multitasker, for example I can be a couch potato and a baked potato at the same time
All animals are wild animals if you give them tequila and lift up their t-shirts.
Wife: [reaches for the fries on my plate]
Me: [slides grocery divider between plates]
Wife: you said you didn’t take that from the store.
Me: and you said you didn’t want any fries but here we are.
Friend: we’re going to Mexico this summer!
Me: I just bought a sensible lavender cardigan on clearance at Target, Jessica. I really don’t have time for your drama.
If someone says “With all due respect,” what follows is the verbal equivalent of a captive chimp hurling feces at you.
everyone telling you that you’re beautiful on the Internet is an escaped convict.
oh my god
Toddler law mandates that once they are able to perfectly recite the ABC’s for their parents they must act like rabid chimpanzees when asked to do it for anyone else.
If I were Australian I’d tweet “OMG Mayan zombies eating my brain.” Then sit back & cuddle a kangaroo & look super sexy while U.S. freaked.
Chef: I like it when the roast beef falls apart.
Roast beef: *starts talking about its ex-boyfriend*
[4 strangers are smearing their bodily fluids on each other]
[one turns to camera] “There has to be a better way.”
VOICEOVER: “Hot tubs.”
Back in the day my parents wanted me to marry only one of my own.
Now they’re like “That orangutan looks nice. That elephant looks smart.”
[at roller rink]
My fanny pack is filled with marbles in case I need to create a diversion.
Re: global warming and the cold weather
“Liberals keep telling me the Titanic is sinking but my side of the ship is 500 feet in the air.”