Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Only my kid could make “when we get home I’m going to craft something” sound like a threat

I decided to jog in place at a stoplight and got some really strange looks.

I should’ve just stayed in the car.

People accuse me of never giving a damn about anyone but myself, but I distinctly remember saying ‘bless you’ when someone sneezed last year

Mugger: Hand over your wallet and… is that a real diamond ring on her finger?

Wife: *whispering to me* Lie to him.

Me: Yes it is.

people who live alone should get one practice conversation before they have to speak out loud for the first time that day

Trapped beneath the feet of a bearded giant…

Cut off from the world.

Stephen King & Pixar present:

“A BUG’S LIFE 3: UNDER THE GNOME”

I saw a guy and a girl doing high fives in a chemistry lab

and I thought, “wow they be bonding.”

if you become a ghost, don’t limit yourself to haunting houses. be the first to haunt a jellyfish exhibit! make a tulip your home and startle a bee. haunt a ball of yarn, get knit into a sweater. remember: it’s your soul that’s eternally damned, NOT your sense of style

[phone rings]
“You’re gonna die in 7 days”

[me, pantless in dark kitchen, lips to phone]
Can u make it 5

After my ex and I broke up, I was in a really bad place (Florida)

“I have toddler-like reflexes.”

“Don’t you mean cat-like–?”

*laughs, cries, falls on face, eats Cheerio off the floor*

“No.”

I’ll do a psychic reading for you free of charge on account of I have no idea what I’m doing

Every time you block report some porn bot for spam, I lose another follower.

Well played, super clean sliding glass door I thought I’d left open. Well played.

Grocery store bagger: need help out to your car?

me: *gets in the cart* yes.

Wife : The neighbours are banging on our front door again.

Me : Why can’t they do it in a bed, like normal people?

Never, EVER, check mail when you get home on a Saturday evening. Unless you’re sure it’s a check made out to you.

I am so glad everything is broken at work today so I could make this

The year is 2035.
The only movies are superhero reboots.
Anyone caught looking up from their phone is fined $100.

You have a smile that could light up a whole psych ward. <3

I noticed you’re eating that bag of popcorn one piece at a time.

So how many people have you murdered?

One of my favorite scientific discoveries in recent years is that among domesticated animals, dogs recognize the difference between themselves and people, but cats just think the people who live with them are terrible incompetent cats

[ english class ]

me: this is useless, i’m outta here

*20 years later*

judge: please rise for your sentence

me: my what

I wonder if husband spiders get annoyed when their spider wives use all the hot water in the shower shaving their 8 legs.

The ending of platonic relationships is way harder because it’s someone looking at your personality alone and being like no thanks

before meds: *hates everything*

after meds: *feels good about hating everything*

please stand back I’m about to make this worse

Wife: can you change the baby
Me: oh thank god. I’m so glad you said that. Yes, yes I will
Wife: I don’t mean swap it for a new one
Me: …

From what I can piece together, this Pitbull character enjoys “partying”