Did you know that if you say Bloody Mary three times into the bathroom mirror no one will bring you one? Ugh this monastery is weak af
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Grandma: sorry you guys were busy last night we had such a great—
Kids: we weren’t busy last—
Me: shoves grandma into car
HUSBAND: You’re going to work early? I’m impressed.
ME: All the jelly doughnuts are gone by 9:00am.
When I am calculating any risk, I think to myself: is this first cat life behavior? Or ninth cat life behavior?
if at first you don’t succeed that’s so embarrassing why are you so bad at this
I have a Chewbacca bathrobe and didn’t shave my legs so I’d have pants to match.
If your store’s bowl of water is just for pets you should really put up a sign.
Did you hear that John Travolta might have the coronavirus? He has chills that were multiplying.
I’ll see myself out.
Say it with flowers.
If that doesn’t work, say it with arson.
Adobe update is ready to install *gazes longingly into the distance*, but I don’t think I am.
Best “black friday” deals come when your neighbors leave their windows unlocked.
How to pick up a girl in a club:
1. Stare at her
2. Walk up to her
3. Shout stuff
BREAKING NEWS: Area Dad Wants You To Close The Damn Screen Door; He Isn’t Running A Hotel For Bees
Ichabod Crane in the streets the headless horseman in the sheets
The defense rests your honor.
*camera pans to defendant taking a nap*
A hug and slap are both powerful but not everyone deserves a hug.
Okay back to it and remember, you can’t say anger without saying grrrr
You were all Pluto’s not even a planet and now you’re watching it from your space car all slow and creepy like. Jerk.
I bought my dog a new bed because apparently a living room full of furniture and a king size bed isn’t comfy enough.
Date: you don’t look anything like your profile photo
Me: *now crying*
Date: there you are
[pizza delivery]
Girl: Is there an other way I can pay you? *bites lip*
uh HELL YEAH!
*pulls out phone*
see that RT button?
Honey I made you some hotdog water
Yes ma’am, I understand you’re taking “pitchures” so I’m sorry for accidentally walking in front of you in this very public place.
Just bit into a Pop Tart so hot that it caused me to involuntarily perform the falsetto “ah-ha-ha-ha-” intro to Stayin’ Alive
i keep accidentally clicking on ritz crackers ads and the internet thinks i am just crazy for ritz crackers and keeps serving me even more ritz crackers ads to accidentally click
optimus prime: did she just wink at me?
me: i think she’s turning left
Years after finishing high school I now know the true importance of punctuation signs
They are for making cute smiley faces
(^_^)/
ME: Tear this breadstick open, I think you’re gonna like what’s inside.
GIRLFRIEND: YOU DIDN’T! {breaks it open} It’s just filled with cheese.
ME: Happy 10th anniversary babe.
Medusa: so do you have any QUITE LARGE HATS in there
sales assistant: [suspicious] why are you outside the shop shouting
I can’t take anymore of this 50 Shades of Grey promo. It’s still your basic Cinderella story. Now she just has a ball gag.
