Did you know that if you squint at a cat and it squints back, it’s the cat’s way of saying “What the f are you looking at?!”
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All I’m saying is never trust a towel that’s not hanging in it’s normal place when you get out of the shower…
Like certain sexual acts I’ve engaged in, I don’t want to think about how blue cheese is made.
It tastes good and that’s all that matters.
Day 1: Buys $8.00
organic raspberries.Day 2: Moldy.
Repeat weekly.
The elephant is my spirit animal.
1. we never forget
2. we hate the circus
3. we’re scared of mice
4. we’re Disney characters
5. we’re awkward in rooms
The human body is incredible. Right now, if I so desired, I could do 15 percent of a backflip and wreck my shit right here on the sidewalk.
My 17yo son made me do 40 seconds of star jumps in the garden to help me ‘keep fit’.
In return I made him no dinner to help him ‘keep slim’.
On the phone with my therapist and she is clearly going through the McDonalds drive through 😓
Aging gracefully is like getting steamrolled gracefully, you should really be screaming
crazy
Bummed cuz parents wont send their kids to my resort that teaches how to pay attention.
I thought “Concentration Camp” would be a gold mine.
Instagram: look how pretty everything is
Facebook: look how easy everything is
Twitter: look how painfully funny everything can be if you just actually look at it and be honest
Tiktok: look at how dancing everything is
My phone has been on silent since 2015 but will still check to see if it’s my phone if I hear a phone ring in public
harry potter: i’m depressed
dumbledore: your parents died when you were a baby, cedric and your godfather were killed in front of you, a homicidal maniac is trying to kill you. i get it
harry: yeah
dumbledore: so i need you to go on a deadly quest to find some soul trinkets
Cleaned out my kid’s backpack and found everything I’ve been missing since 1990
Today a kindergartener asked me if he could ask me a question and I said “sure” and then he did a somersault.
him: damn girl you’re hot
me (menopausal): I know. it sucks
[wife checking on me and the kids]
Hello
“I called the house, you didn’t answer.”
I went out.
“Ok. Well how have they been?”
How’s who been?
When one happens upon a small spoon, the proper response is to become the big spoon. It is simply what one does at times like this. I am however sorry for having disturbed your crime scene, officer. I’ll see myself out.
Yea girl, he’s your soulmate. And her soulmate, and her soulmate, and….ya know.
Me: I wish I was the most beautiful person in the world.
Genie: done.
Me: *checking in mirror* But I still look the same?
Genie: yes, but just wait until you see everybody else.
Walking around naked is a great motivator to get back to the gym
judas: i would never betray jesus he’s the best
jesus: my favorite movie is the Minions Movie
judas: i am going to betray the son of God
Thoughts & prayers for my son who thought his phone was charging overnight only to find he must go to school on 6%.
Her: I want to have your babies.
Me: You’ll have to wait until they get off from school.
Is anyone gonna tell them?
Wife: WHY are the boys wearing fishnet stockings?
Me: You SAID they needed to learn how to Cher.
Filling a thermos:
weird that the doc wanted a stew sample
[presentation]
GUY WITH A COMBOVER NAMED IAN: So that’s our plan for the next year. Any questions?
ME: Why did you call your combover Ian?
I could tell by the way she was pouring gasoline on a pile of my clothes, that the relationship had hit some turbulence.
Absolutely travel with kids. It’s important they experience begging to watch their iPad in new environments