Did you know that if you squint at a cat and it squints back, it’s the cat’s way of saying “What the f are you looking at?!”
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My birthday suit doesn’t fit me anymore.
I just saw a girl hang half her body out the window of her car to give someone the finger. She is my spirit animal.
Trying to explain to a patron that because of their behavior they’ve been asked to leave the library.
“I did leave the library,” they say.
“Yes, but then you turned around and came right back in. You can’t just respawn.”
waiter: what would you like?
me: maybe the steak
waiter: and what about the duck?
duck: I’ll have the steak too
Star Wars is just like regular wars except you fall in love with your sister and your dad chops your arm off.
Always 🥴
I’m being forced to attend a family dinner tonight at a priest’s house…
There’s no such thing as a surprise exorcism, right?
[Gets shot by mugger]
Girl walks by: omg are u ok?
I’m dying [sees she isn’t wearing a ring] I mean I’m fine but not as fine as you, sup?
They should make a moral fiber supplement
Welcome to your 40s. You now have one random eyebrow hair that grows faster than the rest
What do you get if you cross a monkey with an ape, and train it to always come back to you. A BABOOMERANGUTAN.
[1st night w/Russian bride]
“take yr panties off”
[smaller panties underneath]
“them too”
[even smaller panties underneath]
“damnit…”
BARBER: would you like a hot towel?
ME: buddy, I don’t objectify towels
the Craigslist guy who sold me a bookshelf today showed me all the staples in his stomach from the surgery he just had. But that’s on me for forgetting to ask him to specifically not do that.
HIM: the first rule of fight club is never talk about fight club
ME: but we’re talking about it now
HIM: I mean like to your friends
ME: were not friends?
HIM: I mean kinda but-
ME: *crying* this hurts worse than getting punched
Me: they’re called in-laws because the law still applies if you do something to them right
Guy on subway: what
Me: what
Ever read stuff here on social media and then think to yourself, “Why is NASA diverting asteroids? Just let them come.”
(6yo son sweetly tracing my face with his fingers at bedtime)
6: Just be still, Momma. I’m pretending to shave off your eyebrows.
Why is it wealthy people can refuse to pay their bills and suffer no consequences, but if I don’t pay my electr
Me: Somewhere out there my soulmate is watching this same murder documentary and eating a block of cheese in her sweatpants
My husband:
Is it wrong when your therapist invites other therapists to your session, wine is flowing, appetizers are served, and he says to you, begin?
Heard someone say their charcuterie house looks too good to eat and I don’t think they know how cheese works.
Person: *yelling at me*
Me: *calmly* Good idea. Saying the same words really loud helps me understand them better
Person: *abruptly shutting up*
Did you know that when you meet an Indian, you can choose not to mention “Slumdog Millionaire”?
If you wanna get on a diet replace the light in your fridge with an air horn .!!
I’m in a really bad place right now*
*in my neighbor’s driveway “stealing” my doordash that was delivered to the wrong house
My politics are simple: one day I will be eaten by a gigantic worm. And anyone who tries to stop that from happening is my enemy
6: Daddy, when did the first Thanksgiving happen?
Me: Great question! The first Thanksgiving dinner was 400 years ago–
6: –Oh, were you there?!
Me:
COWORKER: you got like 8 hickeys. Must’ve been a fun weekend haha
ME (remembering not to talk about octopus fight club): yea it got pretty wild