Did you know that if you squint at a cat and it squints back, it’s the cat’s way of saying “What the f are you looking at?!”
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Me: [buys six boxes of Girl Scout Cookies outside store]
[Later]
Me [walking into house]: Hey I bought a box of Girl Scout cookies.
I haven’t watered my plants in months and they’re thriving!
-my kid not realizing what moms do
A polite way to signal to your guests that it’s time to leave is to start the dishwasher, turn off all the lights, and go brush your teeth.
Suggested movie theater prices: Adults – $9.00, Under 12 – $ 6.00, Under 3 – $249.00
Her: (Sigh) How did you burn the Thanksgiving Turkey?
Me: I followed the directions. 20 minutes a pound at 325 degrees. I weigh 175 pounds!
Spreads legs… Nope
Spreads two other legs …. Nope
Spreads two others …. Dammit, no
Spreads last two…. BINGO!!
– spider sex
Dude turned from the ATM and tripped sending about eight 20s flying into my face.
I teared up a little.
I get strippers, I get it.
I’m only grabbing fast food to refill my napkin collection in the car.
Went Trick-or-Treating last night and all I got was yelled at.
[Confessional Booth]
Me: I can’t do anything right.
Priest: Please get off of my lap.
[museum]
Wheres the dinosaur bone exhibit?
“through that door”
Thank you very ruff!
“What’d you say?”
*2 dogs fall out of trench coat & run*
[pitch meeting]
Okay so it’s a ton of dogs. Dalmatians. 100 of ’em. I call it “100 Dalmatians.”
[idea man pipes in]
Let’s think bigger
Demon: This is Hell’s library
-Seems…nice? Just looks like a library.
OPEN ONE!
-Ok *opens* This is in Comic Sans!
*cackles* They all are!
I’m an adult, and I can eat whatever I want whenever I want, and I wish someone would take this power from me.
My daughter just told me she doesn’t like Cadbury eggs and oh thank god bc the 12 I bought her accidentally fell into my facehole
No thanks, babies. If I’m going to let something inside of my body that’s going to destroy my figure, it’ll be cheese, bread and booze.
Me: Can you think of anything else I should add to the cart?
Husband: Nope. You’ve got it all.
Me: <send>
Husband: Oh, you know what else we could use —
I swear if one more phone call interrupts my internet quiz I will harness whichever Disney villain I am.
Such bullshit that people stop saying “You ate it all! Good job!” once you reach a certain age
My yearbook quote is the only thing I am proud of
Wanna get rich?
Buy my book, ‘How to Get Stupid People on the Internet to Send You $39.95’ for only $39.95.
Heath: I’m Heath
Heather: I’m Heather
Me, competitive: I’m Heathest
[8 AM – calling doctor’s office]
Answering machine: Our office hours are Monday thru Thursday 9:15 AM to 4 PM. We are closed from 11 AM to 2 PM for lunch. We are closed Friday and weekends. Please leave a message. [beep]
Me: Are you…are you guys hiring?
I feel like I’ve been drinking water since the day I was born. When does it end? Like get over it blood I’ve given you plenty
“These fries are too crispy” – inventor of the microwave
Nature abhors a vacuum
My dog: frfr
No thanks, Mr. Easter Bunny.
I have plenty of dying eggs.
My husband at 3 AM: What’s that noise? What’s that noise? What’s THAT noise? I can’t sleep.
My husband when I’m talking to him, in his ear, with a megaphone: What? Sorry, I didn’t hear you.
I don’t understand why I cant lose weight. I thought dieting was a piece of cake.
Preacher: CAN I GET AN AMEN?!?
Me: [from back row] MAY you get an amen