Did you know that it takes 0 facial muscles to give you the finger
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80’s rap was like being in 5th grade and trying to find words that rhymed with “hat.”
Accidentally cut an old cat-5 cable and now the basement is flooded with internet.
MEDICAL EXAMINER: According to the autopsy, the victim did not actually know karate
MY GHOST: noooooooo
the first rule of micromanager club is…here, i’ll just show u
Of course I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand crows.
Me- Tonight’s menu consists of savory wild fowl and a side of greens a la creme de mushrooms complete with a robust sprinkling of onions
14- So Turkey and green bean casserole again?
[standing at the bank teller’s window] one wealth please
My wife turned on the shower while I was holding our cat and now I have no arms and he’s halfway to Canada.
thinking about ignoring daily mess by creating new holiday decor mess
therapist: so what’s troubling you?
me: my parents taught me to be so polite that now i have trouble taking up any emotional real estate
therapist: and how does that make you feel?
me: fine
Husband: Just think how much money we’re saving by staying at home.
Me: *shopping online*
Mmm hmmm, sure seems that way.
This morning in my local coffee shop.
Customer: “A large mug with four shots of espresso and the rest filled with milk, please.”
Barista: “Are you sure? That’s a latte coffee!”
#EspressoDay #WednesdayThought #RubbishJokes
Communication during co-parenting is essential.
My kids are now getting a total of 22 phone chargers in their stockings.
Bruce Willis is relaxing by his pool. he’s got so much sunscreen on that he slowly slides off his lounger, out of the gate & down the road
5: How come we never do anything fun?
Me: We went to an amusement park..
5: Yeah but that was a really long time ago
Me: It was yesterday
Maybe hippos wouldn’t attack so many people if we stopped feeding them marbles.
me: what’s our criminology class on?
friend: cannibalism
me: [gasping] a hannibal lecture
ME: my son ran away
COP: we won’t rest until we find him
ME: [swiping LEGO aside with both feet] no rush
Oh, you carry a pack of cigarettes rolled up in your T-shirt sleeve..? That’s how I carry my mini babybel.
I just had the thought “pfft. Your father can’t die before you are born,” and I believed it for a full minute. Because I’m smert.
Him: so do you prefer top or bottom?
Me: either, as long as there’s butter
Him: are we still talking about se-
Me: muffins, yes
u know that video of lions hugging that man after seeing him for the first time in several years. that’s what the raccoons do whenever i visit the dumpster behind my college dorm
By age 35 you should have
– absolutely no idea why you came into the room
– no desire to be out past 8 pm
– an extensive collection of shopping bags and gift bags shoved into other shopping and gift bags
If Russia prepares for war the way it prepares for the Olympics then we have nothing to worry about.
Dear God, make me a bird. So I can fly real high and then shit on people.
An amish party in the desert called churning man.
dating again after you break up with a long term partner is like dying in a video game and ending up back at the start to do it all again except with less health
If they cancel the Simpsons we will no longer be able to see into the future
This Taco Bell rebranding sounds interesting
CNN: do u want notifications for breaking news
ME: for like important stuff i guess
CNN: an Ohio woman just ate 37 McRibs
ME: i said impor-
CNN: using chopsticks
ME: she did what