Did you know that it takes 0 facial muscles to give you the finger
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10yo: You know that’s not what they mean by exercise, right?
Me: Pfft. [continues shaking Fitbit up and down]
ME: [throws rock into ocean] Take THAT, ecosystem!
ECOSYSTEM: [undergoes incremental biological changes over millions of years]
ME: Oh shiii
Red light : Stop
Yellow light : Proceed w/ caution
Green light : Wait till everyone hates you then go
*whispers to an avocado*
“I’m the good kind of fat, too.”
Who needs to watch the #SOTU when I can just read my TL? Here’s what I’ve learned so far: John Boehner is still orange.
product manager: what color should we make the bottle
guy who invented hydrogen peroxide: the brownest brown you can imagine
GF: every time we fight you start interpretive dancing
*i dance beautifully for 12 minutes*
GF: I DONT KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS!
Doctor [looking over my test results]: I don’t know how to say this…
Me: Don’t be embarrassed. Just sound it out using the letters and try your best
Maybe the refrigerator doesn’t see anything it wants in you either.
I don’t think my car can fly
Dad-confession: it took me two pulls to get the mower started today. No one saw it, but I feel I’ve gotta be honest and accountable to all of you when I fall short.
what if I told you big orthopedics is responsible for the crate challenge
My therapist doesn’t believe in werewolves so I left my last session with more problems than when I arrived.
Pretty sure my refrigerator is having sex with itself from all the noises its making.
[Space]
No one: I can hear screaming
Me: Do you want in or out?
My dog: Yes.
‘They’ll be searching for days!’ I giggle as I leave ‘sorry bout the damage notes’ on random cars at the Costco
me: i need answers
smashmouth guy: please i have a family
me: [tasing him again] who told you?
smashmouth guy: aaagh
me: who? [pulling his face close to mine] who told you the world was gonna roll me
smashmouth guy: it was *sobsob* SOMEBODY
About two weeks ago @funTweeters used one of my tweets on their website. My mom still has that tweet on the refrigerator.
Early morning work meeting, boss kept telling us to “lean in”
I leaned in so much, I fell asleep at my desk.
The part I don’t like about the show Unsolved Mysteries is when the mysteries don’t get solved.
I may not know much about a lot of things, but this fact I’m sure of:
A smoke detector battery will never go dead during the day.
Kids these days think Christmas is all about getting presents instead of celebrating the birth of Santa Claus.
Health food? Baby, my body is a ’93 Honda hatchback with a headlight out. I’m not about to start putting premium gas in it now.
When you wear a cardigan for the very first time it’s just called a card
Me: *at the children’s museum* they seem so life like
Wife: those are our children
Going to keep letting animals bite me until I get super powers.
all that yoga finally paid off
Ghost hunters use special cameras made specifically for taking soulfies.
*holds in gut when stepping on a scale*